Almost all of us have experienced loneliness at some point in our lives. It’s a feeling we’ve felt after a breakup and the end of a relationship, after losing a loved one or moving away from home. Loneliness is a difficult condition because it does not necessarily refer to the number of people you talk to or the number of acquaintances, friends you have. You can have many people around you and still feel lonely. What is the feeling of loneliness? Is it always bad for us? How to deal with loneliness?
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a common feeling that affects many people around the world. The feeling of loneliness can be caused by various factors, such as physical, social or emotional isolation. It is important to remember that loneliness is not a sign of weakness and or inferiority. For some people, feelings of loneliness may be temporary and easily alleviated. For others ,loneliness cannot be easily resolved and can last for a long time so-called chronic loneliness.
Loneliness is a negative feeling that occurs when our social needs are not sufficiently met. People feel lonely when they do not feel adequate support and closeness to others in the relationships they form. The problem is not about the amount of time spent with other people, it is more related to the quality of the relationship. A lonely person often feels misunderstood by others, needs people, but does not feel that the contacts give him satisfaction. In schema therapy, this type of experience can be linked to a pattern of emotional deprivation.
Lonely people andavoidance of contact
Everyone has different experiences of loneliness. Sometimes the feeling of loneliness, relates to a plotted life situation, or is a certain choice. However, when we need contact, and we feel that there is no one around us, we suffer and feel the emptiness. Perhaps then we should reflect, on our own pattern of entering into relationships. Avoidance of relationships can be a common important area. Reasons we may avoid contact with others are:
- lack of knowledge of what one needs,
- a sense of shame or weakness, in which case relationships are often superficial in nature
- feeling that one will lose control,
- distrust of others, thoughts of being used or set up by others,
- reluctance to burden others with one’s affairs,
- doubts about whether others will understand your perspective,
- negative past experiences, feelings of loneliness, misunderstanding,
- a sense that other people will be disappointed in you because of what you say or how you present yourself,
- lack of relationship skills.
Loneliness and health
Although many of us think of our loneliness as a social problem, it also affects our health. People experiencing feelings of loneliness cannot rely on the security of being in a group or share the burden of life’s challenges and responsibilities with a partner or friends. In view of this, feelings of loneliness can have a psychosomatic dimension.
If you feel lonely, you tend to feel more stressed in situations where others can do better. You may get enough sleep, play sports, have a healthy lifestyle and yet feel a kind of fatigue.
Emotional loneliness negatively affects thought processes, the ability to cope with cognitive tasks, control inflammation in the body, and lowers the ability to regulate stress. Loneliness can also increase the risk of premature death as much as smoking or obesity.
Emotional contagion
When you feel chronic loneliness, you may begin to look at the world differently. You begin to notice threats more quickly in your surroundings, you expect to be rejected more often, and you may be more alert to negativity. People you interact with may sense your distrust, and as a result begin to distance themselves from you, perpetuating your cycle of loneliness. Affective contagion can help you build bonds with others, but it can also compound isolation and loneliness.
Loneliness vs. age
We are susceptible to feelings of loneliness, at any period of our lives. However, the problem of loneliness most painfully affects children, adolescents and the elderly over the age of 65. The way to deal with loneliness should vary according to specific age groups. For example, the elderly may need counseling for the loss and experience of mourning a partner, while younger people may need help overcoming social phobia.
Stigma
The problem of stigmatization of lonely people can shape a misconception of loneliness as a sign of vulnerability, frailty or weakness. Each of us can experience loneliness; it is a normal life experience. Stigmatization of people living alone, often makes it difficult to break certain daily patterns of functioning. In order to break the stigma, it is useful to be visible in family systems, but also in public places such as the cinema or a coffee shop. Breaking certain top-down norms will help you target the area of your needs and goals.
Depression and loneliness
Loneliness can often be confused with a symptom of depression. Loneliness is a feeling and depression is a set of symptoms, associated with lowered mood, low motivation. Of course, loneliness can contribute to depressive symptoms, but this is not always the case, also bereavement is not the same as depression. While one area of treatment for depression is to improve the quality of relationships with others, to increase the experience of experiencing positive emotions, it cannot be assumed that loneliness will disappear once depressive symptoms are resolved. There are individuals who function well despite the loneliness they experience. These are people who consciously choose to live alone, the so-called loneliness of choice.
How to deal with loneliness – step by step
There are many reasons for loneliness, in the case of a desire for contact with another person, it is worth considering how to deal with loneliness. Loneliness can be a signal to us that we need someone close to us. The goal should be to reduce the disturbing level of loneliness, not to get rid of loneliness, per se. Try to give yourself as much time as you need, gradually get out of your comfort zone. Remember that minimizing the level of loneliness also often means freeing yourself from cynicism and distrust of others.
Try
- Don’t stay silent because you don’t want to worry others. Stop fearing that you will be a burden to someone.
- Don’t assume that others don’t want to hear you or your opinions.
- Don’t wait until you are so stressed or exhausted that you can’t fully benefit from the support of others.
Ways to break old patterns of loneliness, how to cope?
Another promising way to deal with loneliness is to improve the quality of our relationships, particularly by building intimacy with the people around us. It focuses on increasing positive emotions and experiences with people. Increasing good social behavior can encourage you to make deeper and more meaningful connections with others.
- call friends or family on the phone,
- renew contact with existing acquaintances and friends,
- create opportunities to interact with other new people
- try to appreciate in a long-term way the good relationships you want to nurture
- engage in activities you enjoy,
- practice self-compassion,
- spend time with animals,
- start participating in various local communities or groups, find people with similar interests related to your hobby,
- try new things, such as hiking or volunteering, which will help you meet new people and make new friends.
Making contact – step by step
- Try to carefully plan and decide more often who you want to talk to.
- Inform others of your need to talk or desire to meet.
- Choose an appropriate time and place.
- Start by talking about practical things.
- Try to be authentic.
- Listen, ask about important issues.
- Be active, express your opinions. Don’t avoid sharing painful thoughts and feelings.
If you want to reduce the level of your loneliness, try to liberate yourself from your protective shield, show that you care, that you want to make contact and really let someone in for a while. Even if you don’t know what the outcome of the meeting will be, take risks, don’t be afraid of setbacks, they are included in new actions that will gradually break old patterns.
If you experience painful loneliness in private life make an appointment – online psychotherapy
If you experience loneliness in your workplace make an appointment – online coaching