Have you ever felt lonely despite sharing your life with someone close to you? Experiencing loneliness in a relationship is much more common than you might think, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is falling apart. Find out how the feeling of loneliness manifests itself and how to deal with it?
Loneliness in a relationship: more than being alone
Loneliness in a relationship is a unique form of emotional suffering that often goes unrecognized in our society. Unlike general loneliness, which stems from social isolation, loneliness in a relationship stems from the painful contrast between physical closeness and emotional distance. It’s the experience of lying next to someone in bed while feeling emotionally miles away. This discord creates a particularly difficult psychological state because it goes against our natural expectation that close relationships should provide emotional fulfillment.
Causes of loneliness in a relationship
Loneliness rarely has a single source. It usually results from a complex interaction of personal, interpersonal and environmental factors that gradually weaken the emotional bond.
Factors of modern lifestyle
Our modern lifestyle often contributes significantly to feelings of loneliness in a relationship. The constant presence of technology, demanding work schedules and the fast pace of modern society can create an environment in which a deep bond becomes increasingly difficult to achieve. Partners can spend hours in the same room, each engrossed in their own digital world, creating what researchers call the “loneliness for two” syndrome.
Communication patterns and emotional barriers
Many couples develop communication patterns that, while on the surface appear functional, actually prevent a deeper emotional connection:
“The superficiality trap,” where conversations never go beyond daily logistics and practical matters. Partners may discuss bills, schedules and household chores, avoiding more meaningful topics that could foster emotional intimacy.
The phenomenon of “emotional mismatch” occurs when partners have different abilities or comfort levels in expressing emotions. One partner may long for deep, meaningful conversations, while the other feels overwhelmed by the emotional intensity, creating a painful gap in expectations and needs.
Single in a relationship – early life experiences
From a schema therapy perspective, loneliness in a relationship often has deeper roots in our early life experiences. Childhood experiences shape our expectations and patterns in adult relationships in significant ways:
Emotional neglect in childhood can lead to an adult pattern of not recognizing or expressing emotional needs, making it difficult to form deep bonds even in long-term relationships.
Attachment injuries from previous relationships can create protective behaviors that, while intended to prevent injury, actually contribute to emotional isolation.
Consequences of loneliness in a relationship
The impact of loneliness in a relationship goes far beyond temporary discomfort, affecting many aspects of both individual well-being and relationship health.
Impact on physical health
Studies have shown that emotional distance in relationships can have a tangible impact on physical health. Research indicates that loneliness in a relationship is associated with:
- Elevated levels of stress hormones, which can affect immune system function.
- Disturbed sleep patterns and reduced sleep quality.
- Increased markers of inflammation in the body.
- Higher risk of cardiovascular problems.
Psychological effects
The psychological consequences of being in a relationship can create a cascading effect, affecting various aspects of mental health:
- Depression, anxiety, and frustration often arise or worsen when partiers feel emotionally isolated in a relationship.
- Feelings of isolation and a sense of emptiness.
- Self-esteem and self-worth can gradually decline when partners in a relationship feel a lack of connection.
- Confidence problems can develop or worsen, affecting not only the current relationship, but also future relationships.
The quiet breakdown of a relationship
Without intervention and help, loneliness in a relationship can initiate a destructive cycle. Partners may begin to seek emotional connection outside the relationship, whether through platonic friendships or, in some cases, emotional or physical relationships. A mutual sense of misunderstanding can cause communication patterns to become increasingly defensive or withdrawn. The emotional bond that once bound a couple together may weaken to the point where partners become roommates rather than intimate.
CBT perspective: Breaking the cycle of loneliness
Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy offers valuable insights into how our thoughts affect feelings of loneliness. Understanding this cycle is key to breaking patterns of remoteness:
Pattern of Thoughts → Feelings → Behavior
When we feel lonely in a relationship, our thoughts often become distorted toward negative interpretations. A partner’s busy day at work can be interpreted as emotional unavailability, leading to feelings of rejection and subsequent withdrawal. This withdrawal then reinforces the loneliness, creating a self-sustaining cycle.
Feelings of rejection can lead to characteristic behaviors in a relationship:
- Emotional withdrawal as a protective mechanism.
- Avoidance of intimate conversations.
- Excessive focus on work or other activities.
- Building emotional walls.
Cognitive distortions
In the context of loneliness in a relationship, cognitive-behavioral therapy identifies several characteristic cognitive distortions:
- Mind-reading: The belief that we know what a partner is thinking without actually talking (“He/she definitely doesn’t want to spend time with me”).
- Selective attention: Focusing exclusively on moments of distance, ignoring moments of closeness in the relationship.
- Overgeneralization: Transferring isolated incidents to the relationship as a whole (“I’m always alone/alone”).
- Personalization: Interpreting a partner’s behavior as deliberately targeting the relationship.
Insights into deeper patterns – schema therapy
Schema therapy provides a deeper understanding of why some people may be more likely to experience loneliness in a relationship. Early maladaptive patterns can create recurring patterns that make emotional connection particularly difficult:
Basic patterns affecting loneliness in a relationship
A pattern of emotional deprivation often leads to an expectation that emotional needs will never be adequately met, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy in relationships. The pattern of abandonment can cause over-vigilance for signs of emotional distance, while the pattern of defectiveness can make individuals feel fundamentally unworthy of deep connection.
Practical steps to overcome loneliness in a relationship-how to deal with loneliness
How to deal with loneliness in a relationship?
- Challenge cognitive distortions
Start by examining your thoughts about your relationship with curiosity instead of judgment. Consider whether:
- You are making assumptions about your partner’s intentions without evidence.
- You catastrophize minor instances of separation.
- You engage in mind-reading instead of open communication.
- Develop emotional awareness
Building emotional awareness is key to overcoming loneliness in a relationship:
- Practice identifying and naming your emotions with precision.
- Share your feelings using “I” messages that promote connection.
- Learn to recognize and respect your partner’s emotional style.
- Strengthen the bond
Take active steps in building and maintaining emotional intimacy:
- Create dedicated quality time without digital distractions.
- Develop new shared experiences and adventures.
- Establish daily rituals of connection, even if they are brief.
When to seek professional help?
Professional support can be invaluable when loneliness in a relationship becomes stubborn or overwhelming. Consider therapy when:
- Loneliness persists despite your best efforts to connect.
- Your attempts to communicate consistently lead to conflict.
- You notice recurring patterns from previous relationships.
- Emotional distance begins to affect other areas of your life.
The way forward: Building lasting emotional intimacy
Remember that feeling lonely in a relationship is not a permanent state. With understanding, commitment and the right tools, couples can rebuild their emotional connection. The key is to recognize that creating and maintaining emotional intimacy is an ongoing process, not an end in itself.
When can loneliness be a signal to end a relationship?
While loneliness in a relationship is often a temporary condition that can be worked through, in some cases it can be a signal that a relationship or marriage has exhausted its potential. When, despite sincere communication, therapy and consistent attempts at rapprochement, the feeling of emotional distance persists for a long time, it is worth considering whether remaining in the relationship serves the good of both parties. Particularly worrisome are situations when a partner regularly belittles the feelings we express, shows no willingness to work on the relationship, or when the fundamental values and emotional needs of both people differ significantly. In such cases, a prolonged sense of loneliness may be a sign that the partners’ paths are naturally diverging, and the end of the relationship, while painful, may open up space to find a more satisfying relationship in the future.
Summary
Loneliness in a relationship is a common phenomenon that can be effectively overcome. The most important steps are:
- Talking frankly with your partner about your feelings.
- Planning regular time together just the two of you.
- Gradually building a deeper bond through daily small gestures.
- Getting help from a therapist, if necessary.
Remember that feeling lonely doesn’t mean your relationship is a failure. It’s a signal that it’s time for change and relationship development. The first steps may be difficult, but every little progress brings you closer to building a stronger, more satisfying bond with your partner.
Bibliography
- Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
- Beck, A. T., & Haigh, E. A. P. (2014). Advances in cognitive theory and therapy: The generic cognitive model. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 10, 1-24.
- Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.
- Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. W.W. Norton & Company.
- https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4391342/