Empathy is one of the most important social skills that allows us to understand and feel other people’s emotions. Most of us consider it a positive trait that builds bonds and helps relationships. However, is it always used in good faith? Can the ability to understand other people’s feelings be used to achieve one’s own goals?
Today we will look at the phenomenon of instrumental emp athy – a form of empathy that primarily serves the person who uses it. We’ll also discuss what this issue looks like in the context of borderline personality, where the relationship with empathy can be particularly complicated.
What is instrumental empathy?
Instrumental empathy is the ability to understand and anticipate other people’s emotions, used primarily for one’s own benefit. Unlike genuine empathy, which is born out of a natural concern for the other person, instrumental empathy is a consciously applied tool.
Imagine the situation: a colleague comes to us upset after a difficult conversation with his boss. A person with genuine empathy will naturally feel sympathy and offer support. In contrast, someone using instrumental empathy may recognize the difficult situation and exploit it – for example, to gain information about the boss’s plans or to present themselves in a favorable light.
The key difference lies in intention. Authentic empathy focuses on the other person’s well-being, while instrumental empathy – considers one’s own benefit.
How to recognize instrumental empathy in everyday life?
Identifying instrumental empathy can be difficult, because at first glance it looks like ordinary concern. However, there are several characteristic signals:
Empathy “for show” – a person shows understanding and support mainly in the presence of other people or in situations where it can be noticed and appreciated.
Variable commitment – the level of empathy changes drastically depending on what a person can gain from a particular situation.
Emotion manipulation – using knowledge of others’ feelings to influence, change decisions or gain favor.
To see if someone is using empathy instrumentally, it’s useful to ask yourself three questions:
- Does this person show empathy as often when no one sees it?
- Is her support selfless, or does it always lead to some kind of request or expectation?
- Does her level of involvement change depending on my usefulness to her?
Key warning signs of instrumental empathy
In behavior:
- Empathy mainly occurs in the presence of others.
- Emotional support always precedes requests for favors.
- Lack of interest in your problems when the person gains nothing.
- Dramatic changes in the level of involvement depending on the situation.
In communication:
- Using phrases like “after all, I helped you” as an argument in disputes.
- Recalling your empathy when the other person needs something.
- Superficial, templated responses to your emotions.
- Quickly changing the subject when your problems become “uncomfortable.”
In a relationship:
- You feel obligated to reciprocate every gesture.
- You feel that your emotions are “noted” and later used.
- The person knows your weaknesses and uses them in conflicts.
- Support only comes when you are in a good position to help.
Instrumental empathy vs. borderline personality
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterized by intense, unstable interpersonal relationships, disturbed identity and a strong fear of abandonment. People with borderline often experience the so-called “empathy paradox.”
This paradox is that people with BPD are able to feel the emotions of others very intensely – sometimes even more strongly than the person who originally experiences those emotions. But at the same time, they may have difficulty interpreting these feelings properly and responding appropriately.
Are people with borderline more likely to use instrumental empathy? The answer is not clear-cut. It is important to distinguish between unconscious, reactive behavior and intentional manipulation. A person with BPD may use his or her ability to read emotions in a way that helps him or her avoid abandonment or receive needed support, but this often happens unconsciously, as a survival mechanism.
For example, a person with borderline may intensely comfort a friend after a breakup, but mainly because she fears that if she is not helpful enough, the friend may distance herself from her. This is not a cold calculation, but rather a desperate attempt to maintain the relationship.
Instrumental empathy vs. other personality types
Instrumental empathy appears especially often in people with traits of the so-called Dark Triad: psychopathy, narcissism and Machiavellianism. In these cases, the use of empathy is more conscious and purposeful.
Psychopathy is characterized by a lack of emotional empathy while retaining cognitive empathy. People with psychopathic traits can perfectly read the emotions of others and anticipate their reactions, but they lack an emotional response to others’ suffering. This allows them to coldly exploit their knowledge of others’ feelings.
Narcissism involves using empathy primarily to maintain one’s self-image and gain admiration. Narcissists can be very sensitive to the needs of others when it serves their interests, but they are just as quick to lose that interest when they no longer need it.
Machiavellianism is the tendency to manipulate others to achieve one’s own goals. People with high levels of Machiavellianism treat empathy as a strategic tool, often without regard to the emotional cost to others.
The difference between borderline and these personality types is significant. While those with BPD often act out of desperation and fear of abandonment, those in the Dark Triad tend to be driven by cold calculation and a lack of genuine concern for others. Remember that every personality type is on a continuum, even narcissistic people are capable of learning empathy, self-awareness and building healthier interpersonal relationships.
Trauma vs. instrumental empathy
Trauma can lead to increased instrumental empathy as a survival mechanism. Individuals who have experienced trauma often develop a sharpened ability to “read” the emotions of others to anticipate potential threats or manipulate situations to their advantage. This hyper-sensitivity to emotional signals can serve as an early warning system. Pain and traumatic experiences can make it difficult to build authentic, deep relationships, leading to superficial or manipulative patterns of interaction.
After trauma, people can learn to use instrumental empathy to:
- Avoid conflict by anticipating the reactions of others.
- Controlling social situations.
- Protecting themselves from further harm.
- Gaining acceptance and safety.
How to protect yourself from instrumental empathy?
Protecting yourself from instrumental empathy requires developing certain skills and habits:
Setting boundaries is the foundation of healthy relationships. It’s important to clearly communicate your needs and expectations, and to not be afraid to say “no” when someone tries to take advantage of you.
Recognizing your own emotions helps you notice when someone is trying to manipulate you. It is a good idea to regularly reflect on your feelings and reactions in different situations.
Talking and being assertive allows you to directly solve problems instead of allowing them to escalate through manipulation.
Observing other people’s behavior patterns can also be helpful. If someone consistently shows empathy only when they can benefit from it, it’s worth being cautious in your relationship with that person.
When is it a good idea to get help from a specialist? If you feel you are often abused in relationships, have difficulty recognizing manipulation, or have trouble expressing empathy authentically yourself, it is worth considering therapy – online psychotherapy. The therapeutic process can help you develop healthy relational patterns and better understand your own needs.
Emotional development and authentic empathy
While instrumental empathy focuses on using an understanding of others’ emotions for one’s own purposes, developing authentic empathy benefits all parties in a relationship. Authentic empathy is based on three main components.
Cognitive empathy is the ability to intellectually understand the other person’s perspective. We can develop it by actively listening, asking questions about others’ feelings and trying to look at situations from different points of view.
Emotional empathy involves actually feeling similar emotions to those experienced by the other person. This type of empathy develops naturally when we allow ourselves to be more emotionally open and not block our own feelings.
Compassionate empathy is the highest form of empathy, which combines understanding with the motivation to help. It is characterized by a spontaneous desire to relieve the suffering of others, without expecting benefits for oneself.
The difference between authentic and instrumental empathy can be seen especially in motivation. Authentic empathy is born out of a natural need to connect with another person, while instrumental empathy is used to achieve one’s own goals.
Useful exercise
Try observing your interpersonal relationships for a week. Ask yourself questions:
- When do I show empathy to others? Do I do it spontaneously or in certain situations?
- How do I react when someone needs support and I am tired or stressed?
- Am I able to distinguish between my needs and other people’s needs?
This exercise can help you better understand your own empathetic patterns and develop more authentic relationships.
Instrumental empathy in different life contexts
Instrumental empathy is not limited to personal relationships – it also appears in professional, family and social settings, taking different forms depending on the context.
In the workplace, instrumental empathy can manifest itself in strategically showing support for colleagues before important personnel decisions, manipulating the emotions of a team to achieve business goals, or taking advantage of colleagues’ difficult life situations to gain a competitive advantage.
In family relationships, it can take the form of conditional displays of love and support – for example, a parent who shows tenderness to a child only when it brings him or her social recognition, or an adult child who suddenly becomes very caring toward elderly parents the moment he or she starts thinking about an inheritance.
In partner relationships, instrumental empathy often manifests itself as a “love bomb” at the beginning of the relationship – an intense display of understanding and support to win over a partner, followed by a gradual withdrawal of this behavior. It can also occur as selective emotional support in exchange for concessions or favors.
In the social context, we see it in the behavior of politicians who show empathy mainly during election campaigns, or in the actions of organizations that show concern for certain social groups only for image purposes.
Recognizing these patterns in different contexts helps build more conscious and healthy relationships in all spheres of life. Paying attention to the constancy and selflessness of the emotional support shown is key.
Key findings
Empathy, while generally positive, is not always used in good faith. It is worth learning to recognize situations in which it becomes a tool of manipulation rather than a genuine expression of concern.
People with borderline personality disorder may have difficulty with empathy, but this is not always due to a desire to manipulate others. More often, it is the result of deep anxiety and difficulty regulating emotions.
The key to healthy relationships is developing genuine empathy, setting boundaries and learning to recognize one’s own emotional needs. Remember that everyone is entitled to respect and should not be treated as a tool to achieve someone else’s goals.
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- https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13651501.2024.2420662