Parental burnout affects as many as 8-12% of parents, although most of them never admit to these feelings publicly. The constant pressure to be the perfect caregiver, chronic sleep deprivation, and constantly sacrificing one’s own needs can lead to a state where parenting ceases to bring any joy.
Although raising children is portrayed as the happiest time of life, the reality can be quite different. Parental burnout is a serious psychological problem, not just temporary fatigue or a momentary crisis. Above all, it is important to understand that experiencing these difficulties does not make anyone a bad parent.
In this article, we will look at what parental burnout really is, what its symptoms are, and most importantly, how to deal with it before it leads to more serious consequences for the whole family.
What is parental burnout really?
The phenomenon of parental burnout has been defined relatively recently, although the first studies appeared as early as the 1980s. According to Belgian researcher Moïra Mikolajczak, parental burnout is “a state characterized by overwhelming exhaustion related to the role of parent, emotional distancing from children, and a sense of parental ineffectiveness.” It is not temporary fatigue or stress, but a long-term process resulting from chronic exposure to overwhelming parental stress.
Definition and differences from burnout
Parental burnout, like occupational burnout, occurs when demands exceed the resources we have at our disposal. The fundamental difference is that the consequences of parental burnout are much deeper—they affect family and marital relationships, i.e., interactions with a high degree of sensitivity.
Parental burnout involves emotional distance from one’s own children. In addition, research shows that parental burnout, more often than professional burnout and even more often than depression, can lead to suicidal and escapist thoughts.
It is worth emphasizing that parental burnout does not mean a lack of love for the child. On the contrary, it often affects parents who were initially overly involved and would do anything for their children.
Four main dimensions of burnout
Researchers have identified four key dimensions of parental burnout:
- Exhaustion with the parental role – a state of chronic fatigue when sleep and rest do not restore energy.
- Emotional distancing from children – limiting care to basic needs, without emotional involvement.
- Loss of pleasure in parenting – loss of joy in interacting with the child.
- Contrast with the previous parental self – the feeling that one is no longer the parent one used to be or planned to be.
These dimensions became the basis for the creation of the Parental Burnout Questionnaire, which contains 23 questions assessing the severity of symptoms. Psychologists estimate that parental burnout affects 3-4% of parents in Poland, although other studies indicate as many as 8%.
The problem of parental burnout… after the pandemic
The COVID-19 pandemic has created ideal conditions for the development of parental burnout. Many parents, deprived of the help of grandparents, forced to stay at home with their children due to closed schools and kindergartens, while working remotely, have experienced unprecedented overload.
Research from Ohio State University has shown that as many as 66% of American mothers and fathers experienced parental burnout during the pandemic. In Poland, studies have shown that as many as 20% of people had symptoms of acute pandemic stress.
Social isolation, a lack of financial and health security, and the loss of opportunities for personal development all contributed significantly to the severity of the problem. Importantly, the pandemic also made it clear that “the time for waiting it out is over” — parental burnout is not a temporary problem, but a condition that requires concrete solutions.
Symptoms of parental burnout
The symptoms of parental burnout appear gradually and are often confused with ordinary fatigue, which means that many people do not recognize the problem until it develops into a full-blown crisis. This is why early identification of symptoms is crucial.
Constant fatigue and lack of energy
Chronic fatigue in parental burnout is not just ordinary tiredness after a sleepless night. It is a state of exhaustion that does not go away even after rest. Read also: chronic fatigue syndrome. Parents experiencing burnout feel a chronic lack of energy that persists regardless of how much sleep they get. Low motivation and concentration problems are also common.
Other symptoms that should be cause for concern include sleep problems, short-term memory difficulties, and psychosomatic pains – headaches, stomachaches, muscle or joint pain. Frequent infections that are difficult to cure are also characteristic.
Emotional distance from the child
Emotional distance from the child is one of the most worrying symptoms of parental burnout. It does not appear overnight, but builds up slowly – from disappointments, unresolved conflicts, and frustrations. Over time, the parent becomes emotionally unavailable, even though they are still physically present.
Importantly, emotionally burned-out parents often take care of their child’s basic needs, such as food, clothing, and education, but remain cold, distant, or emotionally absent. Research shows that emotional distancing is a psychological defense mechanism that protects against further overload.
Loss of joy in being a parent
Another symptom is the gradual loss of pleasure in being a parent. Activities that once brought satisfaction begin to be seen mainly as a burden or a chore. The parent begins to feel that caring for the child is pointless and that parental responsibilities are losing their value.
There is also a characteristic discrepancy between the earlier idea of being a parent and everyday reality. For example, a mother of three who dreamed of a peaceful, warm home experiences frustration because her daily responsibilities prove too overwhelming.
Automation of care and lack of involvement
Instead of a warm, engaged presence, there is a mechanical performance of duties towards the child. Parents begin to limit their contact with the child to a minimum – they focus mainly on satisfying physical needs (food, hygiene) and devote less and less time to play, conversation, and affection.
This can also manifest itself in withdrawal into one’s own world – escaping into one’s phone, TV series, work, or other activities in order to have less contact with the child’s emotional needs. In extreme cases, technology begins to replace parental attention – children are given electronic devices to “keep themselves busy.”
Decline in self-esteem as a parent
As burnout progresses, parents experience an increasing sense of failure. Thoughts such as “other mothers/fathers are doing better” arise, accompanied by shame and guilt. This inner critic causes parents to lose faith in their own abilities.
Low parental self-esteem often manifests itself in difficulties setting boundaries, excessive perfectionism, and fears of negative evaluation by others. Parents begin to notice that things used to be different, that they used to be better, but over time they are finding it increasingly difficult to fulfill their role as parents.
A feeling of permanent fatigue and lack of joy should be cause for concern, even if, in theory, there is nothing to indicate this. If you recognize the above symptoms in yourself, remember that you are not alone, and early recognition of the problem is the first step towards change.
Why do parents burn out?
Modern parents are under enormous pressure, which, combined with other factors, creates fertile ground for parental burnout. Studies show that as many as 8% of parents in Poland experience this condition, and 11-14% regret their decision to become parents*. What causes so many caregivers to lose the joy of raising children?
Social pressure and perfectionism
One of the main causes of burnout is parental perfectionism – the tendency to set unrealistically high expectations for both oneself and one’s children. Perfectionist parents expect a lot from themselves and their children, and deviations from these standards are difficult and stressful for them.
Particularly harmful is the so-called discrepancy – the belief that the child does not meet the high standards set by the parent. Studies have shown that the higher the expectations of children, the higher the level of discrepancy, because ordinary children are rarely able to fulfill their parents’ dream of “perfect offspring.”
In addition, the modern model of parenting promotes intense involvement and constant presence, which often leads to exhaustion. The media creates an image of the “perfect mother and perfect father,” which makes parents feel extremely guilty when they cannot meet these unattainable standards.
Lack of support and isolation
In the past, “the whole village” participated in raising a child – today, parents are often left alone with all the responsibilities. In Poland, the problem of loneliness among young mothers is particularly acute, even among those whose partners work all day.
The lack of support from family, friends, or the community makes parents feel alone with their problems. Migration to large cities, the disappearance of multigenerational families, and the anonymization of social life mean that grandparents, who used to be heavily involved in raising their grandchildren, often lead very active lives today.
The problem is also exacerbated by difficult access to institutional support – high childcare costs, a lack of places in nurseries and kindergartens, and inequality in the division of household responsibilities. In Poland, only 9% of men declare that childcare is their responsibility, 32% believe that it is their partner’s responsibility, and 59% believe that they share these responsibilities**.
Personality traits: neuroticism, low stress resistance
Research has shown that people with certain personality traits are particularly vulnerable to parental burnout. These include:
- High levels of neuroticism – emotional instability and reacting negatively to many situations.
- Difficulty coping with stress.
- Low self-esteem – especially in mothers.
- Perfectionism and excessive ambition.
Neurotic parents experience their child’s life events more intensely, while focusing on negative events. Due to their emotional instability, they find it difficult to communicate adequately with their child, which leads to frustration and a lack of confidence in their own abilities.
Cultural conflict: collectivism vs. individualism
It is interesting to note that parental burnout is more common in individualistic cultures that promote independence and self-reliance than in collectivist societies where interdependence and subordination to the group are important.
Research shows that lower levels of severe burnout were observed among Japanese and Vietnamese parents, and higher levels among European and North American parents, i.e., those from cultures traditionally considered more individualistic. This is associated with less social support in these cultures.
Poland is on the list of countries with an increased risk of parental burnout, which may be due to the ongoing social transformation—a departure from the collectivist model with a simultaneous lack of the full support mechanisms characteristic of developed individualistic societies.
The impact of social media
Social media significantly contributes to the problem of parental burnout. The “festival of comparisons and showing only the public side of our lives, not the behind-the-scenes” multiplies the impact of social pressure.
Platforms such as Instagram and Facebook present an idealized image of the family, which leads to constant comparisons. Parents confront their everyday lives with retouched images of other people’s lives, which deepens their sense of inadequacy.
The aesthetics of “perfect” parenting prevail in these images – a retouched everyday life in which children are the source of meaning, which lowers some parents’ sense of competence and increases their fear of judgment. In this context, it is particularly important to build one’s own self-esteem and the ability to set boundaries.
Paternal burnout – an underestimated problem
When we talk about parental burnout, we usually imagine an exhausted mother struggling with helplessness and guilt. Meanwhile, one-third of burned-out parents are men, and the phenomenon known as “exhausted father syndrome” affects as many as 42% of fathers. The problem remains in the shadows because men are less likely to admit to emotional difficulties, and their symptoms of burnout manifest differently than in women.
How does burnout manifest itself in fathers?
While women most often express burnout through emotional exhaustion, guilt, and crying, men primarily express it through anger, frustration, and withdrawal.
Emotional and behavioral symptoms:
- Increasing irritability and outbursts of anger.
- Feeling emotionally disconnected from children and partner.
- Loss of interest in activities that were previously enjoyable.
- Withdrawal from family events and rituals.
Escape strategies:
- Excessive involvement in work as a way of avoiding parental responsibilities.
- Increased screen time (social media, games, TV series).
- Escaping into substances—alcohol, cigarettes.
- Avoiding difficult interactions with children.
Relationship tensions:
- Increased conflicts with partner.
- Feeling misunderstood and unappreciated.
- Reduced patience in difficult parenting moments.
The specificity of male burnout also lies in the fact that fathers often do not recognize the problem in themselves, treating their symptoms as “normal fatigue” or “a reaction to stress at work.” The social expectation that men should “cope” and “be strong” makes it even more difficult to admit to difficulties.
Contemporary fatherhood is radically different from the models that most of today’s fathers knew from their own childhoods. They did not have models of active, involved parenting from their own fathers, which means that they have to work out new roles on their own – often through trial and error.
What helps fathers?
Recognizing the problem
The first step is to recognize that anger, withdrawal, and avoidance are not signs of weakness, but symptoms of burnout that require action. Fathers need to know that their experience is normal and common.
Specialized support:
- Individual or group therapy
- Couples therapy – often the burnout of one partner affects the dynamics of the whole family
- Programs and training to develop emotional regulation and communication skills.
Practical steps:
- Learning to name emotions.
- Building a support network: fathers’ groups, online forums, friends in similar situations.
- Negotiating the division of responsibilities: clear agreements with your partner instead of unspoken assumptions.
- Accepting “good enough fatherhood”: giving up unrealistic standards.
What are the effects of burnout on the family?
The effects of parental burnout go far beyond the individual suffering of the parent, affecting the entire family system. Long-term burnout has serious consequences for all household members, and their severity increases as the problem deepens.
Emotional neglect of children
Children whose parents experience burnout often feel guilty about the situation. They do not understand what is happening, but they see that their parent is depressed, nervous, or distant. In response, they may adopt different strategies—some try to comfort their parent and take on the role of “family hero,” others manifest difficult behaviors, and still others isolate themselves emotionally. The emotional distance between the parent and the child increases in proportion to the severity of burnout, which creates a serious risk of emotional neglect. The child experiences a lack of security, and the relationship with the parent becomes cold, which hinders the development of bonds and trust.
Problems in the relationship with the partner
In couples where one parent is severely burned out, there is an increase in conflicts and fewer interactions devoted to the well-being of the child. This leads to an increased risk of relationship breakdown. The partner’s lack of understanding of the problem further exacerbates conflicts and reinforces feelings of shame. Cycles of mutual accusations and guilt intensify, leading to a deterioration in the overall atmosphere at home.
Thoughts of escape and depression
Parents who are severely burned out have thoughts of escape (“it would be great to pack everything up and run away”) and suicidal thoughts. Researchers have shown a link between parental burnout and an increase in suicidal thoughts and even suicidal events among parents. Regretting the decision to have children is also characteristic.
Increased risk of addiction
Burnt-out parents are more likely to use addictive substances, mainly alcohol and cigarettes, and less often psychoactive drugs. Alcohol abuse becomes a mechanism for reducing tension. Long-term burnout also leads to chronic stress, which perpetuates mental disorders and can contribute to the development of addictions.
What can be done to avoid burnout?
Preventing parental burnout is much more effective than dealing with its consequences. A conscious approach to parenting can protect us from developing this difficult condition. Let’s look at specific actions that will help maintain balance.
Recognizing the symptoms in yourself
The first step in preventing burnout is to realize that the problem may also affect us. Early recognition of symptoms such as chronic fatigue, emotional detachment, or loss of pleasure in parenting allows us to react before the crisis deepens. It is worth remembering that feeling difficult emotions is natural – every parent has the right to feel tired and temporarily impatient. Accepting your feelings without guilt is the foundation of mental health.
Talk to your partner and lovedones
Sharing your emotions and difficulties with loved ones is one of the most effective strategies for preventing burnout. Open communication with your partner allows for a better understanding of each other’s needs and expectations. Research shows that parents who talk openly about their difficulties are less likely to experience burnout. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – social support acts as a buffer against the negative effects of stress.
Delegating responsibilities and setting boundaries
Learning to say “no” and set boundaries is key to preventing burnout. Parents do not have to (and should not) take on all responsibilities. Delegating tasks to your partner, older children, or other people helps reduce overload. It is also important to clearly communicate your needs and expectations, both within the family and in professional relationships.
Psychological support and therapy
If symptoms of burnout persist for more than three months and significantly interfere with functioning, it is worth considering consulting a specialist. A psychologist or psychotherapist will help you understand the causes of your difficulties and develop strategies for coping with them. Cognitive-behavioral therapy has proven particularly effective in cases of parental burnout, helping to cope with stress and difficult emotions.
Make your expectations of yourself more realistic
Perfectionism is one of the main factors leading to burnout. That is why it is so important to replace unrealistic standards with a more moderate approach. Being a “good enough” parent is an achievable goal that allows both your child to develop and you to maintain your own mental balance. Remember – a good parent is, above all, a parent who also takes care of themselves.
Regular relaxation techniques (meditation, yoga, deep breathing), physical activity, and ensuring healthy sleep and a balanced diet are also important elements of burnout prevention. Daily moments of regeneration, even if short, build resilience to stress and protect against long-term exhaustion.
Summary
Parental burnout is undoubtedly a serious problem that affects a significant proportion of parents in Poland and around the world. Although this topic has long been overlooked, research clearly shows that it is not just temporary fatigue, but a deep psychological condition that requires specific action. It is worth remembering that experiencing difficulties in the role of a parent does not make anyone a bad caregiver. On the contrary, it is often those who were initially the most involved and devoted to their children who burn out. Social pressure, lack of support, and individual personality traits create a mix of factors that can lead to a gradual loss of satisfaction with parenthood.
Nevertheless, there are many effective strategies for preventing and coping with burnout. First and foremost, it is crucial to be able to recognize your own limits and needs. Next, being open to help from loved ones, delegating responsibilities, and taking a realistic approach to the role of a parent can significantly reduce the risk of burnout. In addition, professional support in the form of therapy often proves invaluable in regaining balance.
MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT PARENTAL BURNOUT
Many myths have arisen around parental burnout, which make it difficult to recognize the problem and seek help. Here are the most common misconceptions and the actual facts based on scientific research.
Myth 1: “Only mothers get burned out.”
FACT: One-third of burned-out parents are men. The phenomenon known as “exhausted father syndrome” affects as many as 42% of fathers.
The difference lies in how men and women express burnout: fathers are more likely to manifest it through anger and frustration, while mothers express it through emotional exhaustion and guilt. This makes “male” burnout more difficult to recognize, both by those affected and those around them.
Myth 2: “Only parents of young children burn out.”
FACT: Parental burnout can occur at any stage of parenthood. Although parents of infants and young children are at increased risk due to sleep deprivation and the intensity of care, parents of teenagers also experience burnout—especially in the context of their child’s anxieties, school problems, or family conflicts.
Myth 3: “It’s only a problem for parents of children with disabilities.”
FACT: Although caring for a child with a disability increases the risk of burnout, no single factor causes burnout.
Research indicates that the most influential factors are parental personality traits (perfectionism, difficulty regulating emotions, low self-esteem) and systemic factors (lack of social support, isolation, unequal division of responsibilities). This means that any parent can experience burnout if they find themselves in a situation of chronic stress.
Myth 4: “It’s a figment of the imagination of snowflake millennials.”
FACT: The first scientific books on parental burnout date back to 1983, when the oldest millennials were still infants.
Why are we talking about it more now? First, parental pressure has increased significantly over the past 40 years. Second, the stigma surrounding mental health issues has decreased – we are talking more openly about what was previously a taboo subject. The COVID-19 pandemic has further revealed the scale of the problem, accelerating research and public discussion.
Myth 5: “Just take a vacation.”
FACT: Parental burnout is a chronic condition resulting from a long-term imbalance, not a one-time fatigue that can be “slept off.”
What’s more, taking time away from children (e.g., going on vacation without them) often increases feelings of guilt rather than providing regeneration. Parents experiencing burnout feel that they “should” enjoy their free time, but instead they worry about their children and feel even worse.
Research shows that family vacations can INCREASE stress for burned-out parents: traveling with young children, disrupting routines, the pressure to create “perfect memories,” and often the lack of real rest mean that parents return more exhausted than before they left.
What really works: Systematic intervention (CBT therapy, parenting skills training, support groups).
Myth 6: “It means you’re a bad parent.”
FACT: Parental burnout often affects the most involved parents[article file:1] — those who were “overly devoted” at the beginning and “would do anything for their children.”
Burnout does not mean a lack of love for your child, but rather an imbalance between demands and resources. It is the result of chronic stress, lack of support, and social pressure – not individual incompetence or ill will.
The good news: feeling burned out does NOT make you a bad parent. On the contrary, acknowledging the problem and seeking help is a sign of responsibility and concern for your child’s well-being.
Myth 7: “Only single parents burn out.”
FACT: Studies have shown that single mothers may have LOWER levels of burnout than mothers in relationships with emotionally unavailable or moderately involved partners.
This means that the quality of support is more important than the mere presence of a partner. A partner who is critical, uninvolved, or creates an additional burden (“third child”) may increase burnout rather than reduce it.
The key question is not “Do you have a partner?” but “Do you feel emotionally and practically supported?”
Myth 8: “Full-time work = greater burnout”
FACT: Surprisingly, parents who work part-time or stay at home burn out MORE OFTEN than parents who work full-time.
Why? Non-working or part-time working parents are more exposed to the stressors of childcare and less exposed to the rewards of work (sense of accomplishment, adult companionship, financial independence, validation of competence). Their “risk vs. resources” balance is more unfavorable.
This does not mean that parents should work more, but it does point to the need for additional support for stay-at-home parents (support groups, opportunities for social contact, recognition of the value of their work).
Myth 9: “You just have to try harder.”
FACT: Parental burnout stems from structural systemic problems, not individual weakness:
- Lack of sufficient institutional support (daycare, preschool, flexible work)
- Social pressure to be a “perfect parent”
- Unequal division of responsibilities in couples
- Social isolation and the disappearance of multigenerational families
“Trying harder” in the face of these problems leads to even deeper burnout. The solution lies in systemic change, not individual effort.
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- https://www.tygodnikpowszechny.pl/milosc-ponad-sily-polskich-rodzicow-wypalenie-rodzicielskie-dotyka-najczesciej-na-swiecie-191201
- https://www.recparenting.com/parents-zone/7-myths-about-parental-burnout/