Shame, at times, is uncomfortable. Usually one does not want to feel it or think about it. Each of us experiences it most often in solitude. In this article we will look at what is shame and why does it occur? We will consider its effects. We will also examine whether it is possible to be too ashamed and whether there are ways to cope with overpowering shame?
What is shame?
To be able to answer this basic question, an example will come in handy. Imagine that..your date is going exemplary. A cozy restaurant, excellent Italian cuisine, atmospheric music pouring from the speakers. You sit at a table and for more than an hour now, every now and then you bump into an interesting topic. The conversation is going like clockwork. You are enchanted.
Suddenly your fondness begins to dissipate about … architecture. For a long moment she cheerfully lists the latest trends in building design, and then… asks your opinion on houses with bay windows and vertical gardens. A dead silence falls. You know it’s about to come out that you lied. You entered interests in your dating profile that are nowhere near reality.
And then he shows up. Shame. It floods you all over and paralyzes you in a split second. You don’t know what to do. You lower your gaze and stare stubbornly at the plate. You are struck by the heat, your cheeks are burning. You would give anything to disappear and move somewhere far away from here.
Shame is an emotion that is not one of the most pleasant ones – we are unlikely to anticipate its appearance with bated breath. It acts like a warning that a boundary has been crossed. It’s a message that screams “Stop immediately – you’re too far gone!”. It says that we are not presenting ourselves as we should. And how we should look and behave is determined by social norms, the expectations of others and our inner beliefs.
And while shame is a reaction to a specific event (for example, the exposure of a lie, as in the case of our story), it translates into an overall assessment.
That is, we don’t think, “This ONE behavior was wrong.” No! Instead, we attribute to ourselves a whole list of negative epithets , e.g. stupid, naive, awful, weak, hopeless, despicable.
Faced with this, you can very often withdraw from relationships with others and your inner critic, can intensify feelings of shame, sadness and loneliness.
Shame and guilt
Shame and guilt are two different emotions, although they can sometimes be related. Guilt can lead to different emotional reactions, such as just shame or sadness.
Shame is an emotion associated with feelings of inadequacy, inadequacy or incompetence toward oneself or others in a social context. It can be triggered by, for example, making a mistake, being ridiculed, or behaving inappropriately. Feelings of guilt, on the other hand, are associated with a sense of responsibility for breaking moral norms, values or standards, either to oneself or to others. Shame can be triggered by external judgments of other people or society, as well as by internal beliefs and norms that a person holds about himself. Guilt, on the other hand, usually has an internal source, stemming from the belief that a person has committed something that is wrong or bad.
When do we start to feel shame?
In the first moments of life, no one is ashamed of anything yet. This blissful state lasts for several months and usually ends around the age of two. It is then that the child becomes self-conscious enough to discover what shame is.
It is all related to evaluating one’s own actions through the prism of prevailing standards. The child compares his behavior to the expectations set by the caregiver. When he notices that he has done something wrong (contrary to expectations), he feels shame. However, when he finds that he has behaved correctly, the opposite of shame – pride– emerges.
Embarrassment vs. shame – or how can childhood traumas weigh us down?
At first, it is the parent who indicates what to be ashamed of. And you may find that he or she uses this method overly eagerly. Especially since it is extremely effective. The shamed child quickly stops behaving in an undesirable way, and the parent feels in control of the situation. A sense of security is important in the process of developing healthy self-esteem. Criticism from loved ones can have a destructive effect on a child’s self-esteem and sense of worth.
Shaming can take many forms, such as:
– comparison (“This girl plays politely and doesn’t make a mess. Now look at you and see how messy it is everywhere!“),
– moralizing (“Good children don’t do that! Good girls always sit upright in the chair!“),
– humiliating (“You’re a horrible snot. How are you not ashamed to be such a crybaby! Everyone will laugh at you.“).
These words hurt the child, painfully imprinting themselves on his psyche. They cause anger, fear and shame. These, in turn, can transform over time into aggression, which becomes a strategy for relieving accumulated tension.
Whether shaming finds an outlet in aggression or fear and inhibition, it stays with the child forever. It reduces self-esteem and creates anxiety. It teaches inadequate responses of shame in social situations. And this over time becomes a problem of skyrocketing proportions.
What are the symptoms of shame?
We usually associate shame with feelings of embarrassment and the appearance of unpleasant physiological reactions. The most common symptoms include:
- accelerated heartbeat,
- reddened skin of the face, neck and décolleté,
- a feeling of heat coming to the head,
- accelerated breathing,
- sweating of the hands,
- hiding the face,
- feeling uncomfortable,
- avoiding other people’s gazes,
- lowering one’s voice,
- a sense of powerlessness and rejection,
- a sense of our inadequacy
- failure and lack of satisfaction
- an overall negative evaluation of ourselves
- desire to isolate and hide
- a sense of loneliness
- sadness, which in the long term can even lead to depressive disorders.
What are we ashamed of?
As humans, we can experience a wide variety of shame experiences, which can be related to our actions, appearance, abilities or decisions. It is worth noting that feelings of shame are subjective and vary depending on the culture we live in, our individual experiences and upbringing.
- Mistakes and failures. We often feel shame for making a mistake or suffering a setback at work, at school, in relationships or in other areas of our lives. This can be related to feelings of guilt, incompetence or fear of other people’s judgment.
- Physical appearance. Physical appearance is often a source of shame for many people. This can include feelings of unattractiveness, related to weight, skin appearance, body shape, clothing or other external features that we find shameful.
- Sexuality and intimacy. Many of us feel shame in relation to sexuality, whether it is sexual orientation or sexual preference. This can include insecurity or shame related to expressing one’s feelings, sexual needs.
- Weaknesses and limitations. Sometimes we feel shame when we reveal our weaknesses, limitations or inability to perform certain tasks or achieve certain goals. This can be related to a sense of loss of control, inability to meet expectations, or fear of being perceived as incompetent.
- Life choices. The decisions we make in life, such as career, relationships, parenting or finances, can also be a source of shame. This can include concerns about other people’s judgment, uncertainty about the qualities of our choices, or a sense that we are not meeting social expectations.
Poles and shame – what is our nation ashamed of?
Learning the ins and outs of shame is done by psychologists, sociologists, cultural scientists. All in order to understand what shame is and how we experience it. Poland was also included in the research . Shame in our country was analyzed on the basis of a survey conducted in 2015. “The Polish pyramid of shame” is a concept that refers to the hierarchy or structure of social expectations that can cause shame in Polish society. It is a metaphorical concept that describes the different levels of shame in the Polish social context. According to research, shame is associated with:
- political issues. In Poland, due to controversy and political tensions, some people may feel shame related to their political beliefs or related actions, especially if they disagree with the dominant political trend or do not meet the expectations of their community,
- traditionalist social norms: There are certain traditionalist norms in Polish society that can cause shame, especially with regard to issues related to family, marriage, gender or social roles. People who do not meet these norms or who do not fit into socially accepted patterns, e.g. minority stress, may feel shame or be judged by society,
- poverty or lack of professional success: In Polish culture, having a stable career and achieving financial success can be important to many people. People who are not so successful may feel shame or be judged negatively by society, especially compared to others who have achieved higher social status,
- with mores (for example, negative attitudes, such as widespread complaining and pretentiousness and stereotypes, including drunkenness and a tendency to steal on),
- with physical appearance. As in other cultures, physical appearance can also be a source of shame in Polish society. Beauty standards, such as a slim figure, attractive skin or appropriate clothing, can affect low self-esteem and can cause shame in those who do not meet these standards,
Consequences of shame. How do we experience shame?
But what happens after we have been shamed?
– we try not to think about the “offense committed” and cut ourselves off emotionally,
– we react nervously and focus on the unpleasant sensations coming from the body,
– we try to divert our attention and become absorbed in other activities,
– we start blaming others (we attack to defend ourselves),
– we feel misunderstood and unaccepted, and thus want to move away, isolate ourselves and stay in the shadows.
What good is this shame to us? The sense of shame, isn’t it better for it to disappear?
Shame is a signal to us that we are not presenting ourselves properly. It warns us that we have made a controversial move, said something inappropriate, broken established rules and do not fit in with those around us. And we want to fit in, after all. We don’t like to feel rejected, left out, disregarded.
Shame keeps us within certain boundaries and protects us from exclusion. By feeling it, we realize that we have been put at a disadvantage. We want to avoid it, and thus guard against such situations. And while we need shame, it can become very painful for us.
Types of shame
Gilbert’s work suggests that while shame can be a painful and difficult emotion to experience, it is also a normal and adaptive part of being human. By understanding the different types of shame and their causes, individuals may be better able to recognize and deal with shame when it arises, and cultivate a greater sense of compassion and self-acceptance.
Paul Gilbert, a leading researcher in the field of shame, has distinguished three types of shame:
Self-disgust. T he sense of shame, is related to the belief that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy as a person. We may feel disgusted with ourselves for who we are, not just for our actions or behaviors.
Externalized shame. This type of shame occurs when we feel exposed to judgment or vulnerable, such as when we are caught in a lie or make a mistake in front of others. We may feel embarrassed or humiliated and fear that we will be judged or rejected by others.
Shame, related to identity. This type of shame occurs when we feel ashamed of aspects of ourselves that we cannot change, such as our: race, sexual orientation or physical appearance. We may feel that we don’t fit into society, or are not accepted by it, because of these aspects of our identity.
Shame is not equal to shame. Functions of shame, or about two different types of shame
There are two types of shame: healthy and toxic.
A healthy one informs us of our own limitations and reminds us that it doesn’t always pay to do everything our soul desires. It keeps us from losing touch with reality. It makes us realize that we are not infallible. That we make mistakes that can harm us. That sometimes we need to slow down.
Its positive effect can be summed up in the words of sociologist Helen Merrell Lynd:
Experiences of shame, if we courageously confront them, can unexpectedly shed light on who we are and point the way to who we can become.
But then there’s the other one – the toxic, internalized one. The one that doesn’t let go. The unrelenting persecutor glued like a shadow. It is no longer a natural reaction occurring in legitimate situations. It becomes an integral part of everyday life. A part of identity from which it is impossible to escape.
Toxic shame knows no mercy. It constantly points out imperfections and does not allow one to enjoy successes. It highlights weaknesses and exaggerates flaws. It makes you feel embarrassment and hides your true face.
How to deal with shame and increase self-esteem?
Although shame affects each of us, not everyone reacts to it in the same way. Experiencing shame deeply is a painful experience that is difficult to deal with. So what to do when shame begins to overwhelm us?
Stand eye to eye with shame
When we don’t know what our problem is, the steps we take are really a battle with windmills. Let’s think about what we are really ashamed of. It is this answer that is crucial, but the road to it can be a winding one. Sometimes it takes us a lot of time (and thought) to discover what we find most difficult.
Let’s take a trip inside ourselves and answer the question?
When did shame appear in your life and what was it like at the beginning?
Is its presence now justified (is it not an echo of past events)?
What is it associated with (is it due to the standards and pressures imposed on us by our surroundings, or does it come from within us because we are not as we would like to be)?
Let’s start thinking about our shame and getting used to it. Look at your own reactions, trying not to judge them. Be understanding to yourself and try to notice what this shame says about your needs.
Dare to talk about shame
Instead of suppressing shame within yourself, try to express it. You can talk to trusted people, such as a friend, partner or therapist. Sharing your feelings can reduce their intensity and allow you to get support.
Talk about how you feel. Let someone close to us, to whom we are not afraid to open up, hear about it. Let’s get the burden off our shoulders and describe how the whole event went.
- When did the shame get to us?
- What was the feeling?
- What happened afterwards?
Acceptance
Accepting yourself as you are can help reduce shame. Work on accepting your flaws, imperfections and mistakes. We are all human and we all make mistakes. It is important to forgive yourself and not be too hard on yourself. Lack of empathy towards your emotions can lead to difficulties in dealing with them.Emotions are important, so we should show empathy towards our own and others’ feelings. Accepting ourselves and our experiences can help increase our sense of self-worth.
Psychotherapy. Therapy for chronic shame. What to do when shame makes our lives difficult?
Paralyzing shame appearing in the least expected situations is a problem that is hard to deal with alone. Have you noticed that you lack strength and shame is taking over your entire life? Chronic shame is a deep-rooted feeling of shame that persists over a long period of time and can affect various areas of a person’s life. Therapy can be an effective way to address chronic shame and develop strategies to cope with these feelings.
Therapeutic approaches that can be helpful in dealing with chronic shame:
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT can help identify and challenge negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself that contribute to feelings of shame. This may include developing coping strategies and practicing self-compassion.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT can help people learn to accept and manage difficult emotions, including shame, while working to live a fulfilling life in line with their values.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR is a type of therapy that can help individuals process traumatic experiences that may contribute to feelings of shame.
Schema therapy. The therapy focuses on identifying and changing deeply ingrained patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that contribute to chronic shame, particularly the schema of defectiveness. The therapist, working with the patient, helps to understand the genesis of shame, discover the patterns associated with it, and then make changes in thinking, emotions and behavior.
Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT). CFT is a type of therapy that focuses on developing self-compassion (self-compassion) and compassion towards others. By cultivating feelings of warmth, kindness and understanding toward themselves, individuals can reduce feelings of shame and improve their overall well-being.
While working with a psychotherapist, you will get to the source of your shame and understand why you react so strongly to it. You will learn to recognize your own needs and meet them more effectively. Remember, with the right therapy and support, it is possible to manage and reduce chronic shame and improve your overall mental health and well-being. Struggling with chronic shame? Schedule an appointment – online psychotherapy.
Bibliography:
Chajbos, K. (2019). Shame in the lives of Poles: ways of understanding and experiencing, roles and forms of presence. Adam Mickiewicz University in Poznań.