Shame, incompleteness. How to overcome the pattern of defectiveness?

Shame, incompleteness. How to overcome the pattern of defectiveness?

Table of contents

young’s 18 schemes. What are schemas?

Schemas are integral to the process of understanding the world, and often persist throughout our adult lives. Each of us has adaptive and non-adaptive schemas. Schemas are permanent, resistant to change , fighting for survival. Since their inception, they play a key role in our functioning. A schema is often an unwritten, universal law. We distinguish 18 negative schemas according to Young.

Clients who come to therapy for various symptoms: anxiety, depression, or other problems (such as perfectionism or isolation) often report the consequences of their negative schemas. If you think and feel that no one really understands you, that no one cares about you, this is a sign that your pattern of emotional deprivation is active. Because of the pattern, you may complain of depressive states (including lowered mood, lower motivation to act and meet other people). Treating only the symptoms, may not be enough to live according to your own needs and desires.

How do you define a pattern of defectiveness? What is shame?

How do you define a pattern of defectiveness? What is shame?Aschema of defectiveness involves a core belief that makes you feel that you are somehow a defective, incomplete person or with some defect. The schema creates the impression that if someone approaches you or learns of your perceived flaws, they will reject you or push you away. The feeling of defectiveness can be associated with defects you perceive within yourself, for example, selfishness, impulsiveness; or with defects perceived in public, for example, in the form of undesirable physical appearance or inadequacy in social interactions. An inseparable emotion associated with the defect pattern is the feeling of shame.

Because of the defectiveness pattern, you may manifest excessive sensitivity to any criticism, failure, comparison or lack of acceptance from others. Your sense of worth depends on external events over which you have limited influence. You feel that if anyone saw your true face, they would confirm the truth about you – your pattern of defectiveness. Consequently, the pattern prevents you from forming stable bonds, building satisfying relationships and often leads to loneliness.

The source of the defectiveness pattern – guilt

The source of the defectiveness pattern - guiltThe formation of a defectiveness schema, like other schemas, is usually related to childhood exposure to a traumatic event. Often a strong motive is rejection and criticism. Whether such an event occurred only once or was repeated over a long period of time. The source may have been coldness and rejection from the parent(s), the family system may have depreciated needs, made comparisons, and expected with low levels of care and support. People with this pattern may have experienced rejection striking at the foundations of being human. Another source may have been school and peer experiences of criticism, labeling, violence. Such experiences build in the child the conviction of being somehow bad, insufficient to be loved and supported. Young children feel guilty, hold themselves responsible for the mistreatment of the family or school environment. Adults with this schema believe that love must be earned so-called conditional love, often elements of self-sacrifice are seen in areas of relationships. Sometimes people with the defectiveness pattern try to hide from intimacy and commitment, because they believe that they will not deserve it anyway and the finale of the relationship will always be the same – they will be left alone, unloved. In adulthood, the belief in your own worthlessness, can get in the way of living the life you want. You find it hard to feel good about yourself, you have a hard time creating relationships that are good, you find it hard to see your successes and feel happiness.

How the scheme works – the metaphor of the enemy

Imagine a person you don’t like. Imagine that every day she knocks on your door, you try to keep her away from you and don’t open the door for her. There are even times when you forget about her for a while. However, when you feel weaker, experience a setback, your enemy, without knocking, will quickly enter the house. He will ruthlessly communicate to you that it is your fault, that you deserve to fail, that you are insufficient, that you are trying but will still fail. Every time your snide critic shows up at your house, you experience that familiar unpleasant feeling, causing a tightening in your stomach. This is exactly how the scheme works, it appears in situations that are difficult and sensitive for you, activating the scheme and setting off a spiral of old thoughts and feelings.

Strategies for dealing with the schema of defectiveness and one’s own worthlessness – the consequences of shame

Strategies for dealing with the schema of defectiveness and one's own worthlessness - the consequences of shameHow do you deal with the pattern of defectiveness? You can have many strategies: compensation, subordination or avoidance. For example, you may use overcompensation and seek recognition or status in a professional or school environment. You constantly try to impress others or succeed in order to silence your fear that they will perceive you as a fraud.

You may subjugate yourself in your relationships with people, adopt an attitude of passive dependence, constantly trying to please those who do not show you reciprocity, are often cold and demanding of you. Finally, you may use avoidance as part of various daily activities, such as abusing alcohol, making compulsive purchases, or overworking yourself so that you don’t have time to stop for a moment.

Unfortunately, your coping strategies lead to new forms of suffering. Sadness, toxic shame affects the emergence of new problems in your life, you may complain of behavioral addictions, workaholism, or depressive disorders.

How to deal with shame? How to increase self-esteem ?

How to deal with shame? How to increase self-esteem ?There comes a moment of choice between two viable options, between the old way leading to existing coping strategies and the way leading to creative new responses that will begin to undermine your pattern. When you are able to give yourself permission to hurt and encounter difficult emotions, you begin to actively work us to change old patterns. Work on breaking the pattern rather than trying to avoid it.

The first very important step, is to understand your own strategies their function and impact on your own life. As you begin to recognize your own strategies for dealing with feelings of defectiveness, you begin to become increasingly aware of the situations in which these behaviors occur, the impact they have on different areas of your life. You begin to realize the consequences that don’t bring you closer to your basic own needs. Your self-esteem can grow.

Psychotherapy of schemas – a chance to overcome shame

Schema, related to shame, is one of the biggest and most difficult patterns to heal but schema therapy offers a chance to weaken maladaptive patterns. In the beginning, the most important thing is to have a secure base and increase one’s awareness, including on an emotional level. Then begins active work with negative thoughts, maladaptive patterns and difficult emotions, such as shame.

Remember we learn to feel shame from a very early age, as a result of traumas, as a result of mental and physical abuse. Children lack the ability to understand what is going on around them and assign blame to themselves, for the bad behavior of others. Schema therapy will help release the shame and guilt you have carried for years. Your self-esteem can grow, then there will be freedom and plenty of space to experience life in the good way you deserve.

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I am a certified psychotherapist and CBT supervisor. I use the latest methods of cognitive-behavioral therapy and schema therapy. My specialty? Turning complex theories into practical advice and solutions! As an expert in the field, I not only run a clinical practice, but also train and supervise other psychotherapists. I invite you to read my articles and contact me if you need professional support.

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