Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation designed to cause the victim to doubt their own memory, perception or their own mental health. The technique is used by individuals who wish to gain power or control over others.
Psychological violence can camouflage itself and take many forms. Its effective form, which is painful in its consequences and difficult to detect, is gaslighting. Find out what is gaslighting? How to recognize it? How to defend against gaslighting?
Gaslighting – violence, manipulation that takes away confidence in oneself
The term “gaslighting” means psychological manipulation aimed at making the victim doubt his or her assessment of reality. A person subjected to this manipulation begins to doubt his memory, perception and even his sanity. He stops believing his senses, distrusts his memories, and questions the most trivial subjects.
Experiencing gaslighting on a regular basis significantly impairs daily functioning. Imagine putting everything you see, hear and feel into question. What then? You lose control. You are no longer sure if your experiences are real. Do you understand the world around you? Are you drawing the right conclusions? Is your memory failing you? You are afraid to make any move because of this, because how can you decide when you don’t trust yourself?
A victim of gaslighting – psychological violence, not only on the big screen
Where did the mysterious name “gaslighting” come from? It’s worth stopping at it for a moment and looking at what the manipulation described in the article and… cinema have in common.
After all, it was the screen adaptation of the pre-war play “Gaslight” that drew public attention to the phenomenon, which soon came to be known by the term referring to the film. The story shown on the big screen depicted a husband-manipulator using a series of perfidious ploys on his wife. He would deny, lie and deceive, and – especially memorable for viewers – would turn off the gas lamps of the title to then plant or take various objects. And all this so that his wife doubted her own senses, feigned insanity and never reached the brutal truth that her beloved had committed the murder. The woman, led by the nose, who lost her grip on reality, is perfectly described in the Polish translation – “The Fading Flame.” The heroine, once full of life, gradually lost her luster and dimmed. She was weakened by brute force. A force carried by emotional violence.
The quoted plot gives the impression that gaslighting does not happen often in real life. And while shocking stories taken straight from a movie are unlikely to happen, this type of psychological manipulation is observed more often than one might assume. Every year, thousands of people – mostly women – come forward for help precisely because of gaslighting.
Forms of gaslighting – a form of violence that has an emotional dimension
Gaslighting can take many forms. Among the most commonly used are:
– belittling the victim’s experiences and disregarding his feelings, as well as ridiculing his desires, needs, decisions and opinions,
– pointing out mistakes and recalling past failures by citing them in conversations and jokes,
– suggesting mental disorders, emotional instability, memory problems,
– showing alternately compassion and understanding and aggression and hostility,
– isolating from people and convincing them that relationships are worthless,
– telling the victim’s reactions are excessive and mismatched to the situation,
– denying what happened,
– accusing them of lying and cheating,
– inducing feelings of guilt,
– withholding information.
Are we sure this is gaslighting? A sophisticated form of violence
We can divide the categories of gaslighting into several basic categories.
Denial of reality. The perpetrator may deny facts or reality, claiming that something did not happen, even if the victim has evidence that it did.
Disinformation. The manipulator may give false information or spin facts to confuse the victim.
Minimizing feelings. The abuser may belittle the victim’s feelings, saying they are “exaggerated” and “irrational.”
Distorting events. The perpetrator may portray events in a distorted way, trying to convince the victim that she misunderstood them.
Who is the gaslighter? Who uses gaslighting?
The next sentence will surprise you. Well, every person sometimes manipulates. However, he does it unconsciously, and uses gaslighting automatically – in a defensive reaction. When you are arguing with your partner and get carried away by your emotions, it probably happens to you to fire out: “You’re exaggerating!” or: “As usual, you don’t understand anything!”. Does this make you an unscrupulous manipulator? Of course not.
Only 1% of people reach for gaslighting fully consciously1. There is no shortage of narcissists and psychopaths among them, as well as… unfaithful husbands. This is because the cheating partner sees gaslighting as an opportunity to shift suspicion away from himself. If he manages to sow his wife’s insecurities about his own perceptions, the chance of detecting the infidelity decreases dramatically. The threat then seems removed, right?
By now you’re probably wondering where the perpetrators of gaslighting are lurking. You can come across them virtually anywhere. In romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships and even in the workplace. However, no matter where you experience gaslighting, it will always come with a number of negative consequences.
Victim of gaslighting- consequences of violence
– reduced confidence in one’s own self-efficacy,
– lowered self-esteem,
– uncertainty about the validity of one’s own memories and thoughts,
– constant fear that opinions spoken aloud will be questioned,
– inhibition against expressing one’s own opinion,
– constant guilt and apologizing to the abuser,
– shyness,
– withdrawal from contacts with relatives, loneliness,
– development of anxiety or depression,
– difficulties with decision-making,
– feelings of confusion and helplessness,
– deterioration of self-esteem,
– decline in mood.
Gaslighting changes daily functioning. It shatters the self-confidence you’ve built up over the years and takes away the driving force to act. It makes you doubt what you are thinking, and this makes you more vulnerable to further manipulation. It’s easy to sow panic in you, convince you to strictly follow orders and subjugate you completely.
How do you recognize gaslighting?
Below you will find four warning signs that indicate the presence of gaslighting in a relationship:
Lies piling up
You hear lies, and even when you know the truth perfectly well. You are showered with them on a daily basis; both the small and relatively trivial ones; and those related to the most important issues. You feel that these lies are multiplying every day and are beginning to settle in, and the other person wants you to believe them.
Attack on sensitive points
You notice that your complexes and weaknesses become a topic for jokes and hurtful nudges. It’s not just one or two references, you notice them every step of the way. The other person knows that it makes you uncomfortable, but keeps referring to the difficulties you have encountered and the mistakes you have made. You pay attention and say that you do not tolerate this behavior. But even the most delicate request is dismissed with a wave of the hand and the words: “You don’t know from jokes. You’re being dramatic!”
Guilt-inducing
You feel obligated to apologize. For what you do and for what you don’t do. All the time you feel you have to explain yourself, even though you are not at fault for anything. The other party lets you know that you are creating problems. And you are more and more confused, because you don’t understand what it all means.
Challenging your mental capacity
You increasingly wonder if you are okay. The other person regularly informs you that your emotional reactions are out of the norm and your memory is failing. You become anxious because you receive messages that make you question your memories and stop trusting your judgments. All this triggers a cascade of doubts and perceptions of reality. You no longer want to express your opinions or share your insights. You’d rather leave them to yourself so you don’t hear more comments like “It wasn’t like that at all,” “How can you not remember that?”.
Examples of gaslighting. A form of psychological violence
It’s time to illustrate how gaslighting is smuggled into sentences. Here are examples of the messages a manipulator might direct at you:
– You’re thinking something. You seem to have made this all up. You are paranoid. You are impossible to deal with.
– You’re always being dramatic. All it takes is a joke, and you’re immediately hysterical.
– You have misheard. I never said anything like that.
– Don’t exaggerate. If you’re sad, just get some sleep and stop complaining. Nobody has problems like you. You tell yourself you are depressed and try to convince others that you are so poor.
Examples of gaslighting can include various situations in which the perpetrator tries to manipulate the victim in such a way that the victim begins to doubt his or her feelings, thoughts, memory or perception of reality. Here are some examples:
Example 1: Denial
Victim: “Why were you so angry with me last night?”
Perpetrator: “I wasn’t angry, you seem to be twisting everything. Maybe you have memory problems?”
Example 2: Minimizing feelings
Victim: “I feel hurt when you say those cruel things to me.”
Perpetrator: “You’re exaggerating, you’re too sensitive. They were just jokes!”
Example 3: Twisting the facts
Victim: “I heard you telling your friends that I was stupid.”
Perpetrator: “I would never say that. Maybe you’re hallucinating?”
Example 4: Disinformation
Victim: “I saw the messages you sent to that other woman. This is treason!”
Perpetrator: “It’s nothing like that, just friendship. You are making a fork out of a needle. Maybe you are jealous and paranoid?”
Example 5: Withdrawal
Victim: “You promised to help me with this project.”
Perpetrator: “I never made such a promise. You must be mistaken.”
Example 6: Exaggeration
Victim: “Every time we argue, you say everything is my fault.”
Perpetrator: “That’s not true, you always twist everything. You are too dramatic.”
Remember, in each of these cases, the perpetrator’s goal is to destabilize the victim and make her doubt her feelings and perception of reality.
Victim abuse. How to protect yourself from gaslighting?
Strengthen the bond with your own self
Your own “self” is all your beliefs about yourself – your body image, your assessment of your abilities, information about your temperamental traits and broader knowledge about yourself. Take care not to let it swarm with negative and anti-you judgments. Get to know yourself, observe behaviors, notice needs. Reflect on how you react – both in everyday, simple situations and in exceptional ones that don’t happen often.
You are not perfect, but rest assured – no one is like that. Instead, you are sufficient. You have many qualities and skills. You are able to direct your life accordingly and know what is good for you. You don’t need to doubt the validity of your own thoughts, even when someone tries to persuade you to do so. Don’t deny what you experience and don’t ignore the feelings that arise – you need them, even if they don’t all make you happy.
Realize that how you feel and think is important. No one has the right to undermine it. It is your way of perceiving reality and it accompanies you in life. The more you trust it, the more resistant you will become to attempts at manipulation. You will then attach the greatest importance to what you see, hear, feel and think – and no amount of gamesmanship will change that.
Educate yourself about gaslighting
Learn about gaslighting techniques and strategies to recognize this form of manipulation as early as possible.
Set boundaries
Don’t ignore, emerging discomfort. Tension is often a warning sent by the body to get your attention. It suggests that someone is doing something against you. You don’t have to accept it!
Find time just for yourself, sit in a quiet place and think about what you need. Determine what your boundaries are and name them precisely. Talk about them out loud and make sure they are respected. Don’t give in – once you allow your comfort zone to be exceeded once, the situation is bound to happen again. Assertiveness is a skill you can learn.
Be vigilant
Gaslighting is difficult to detect. All because it often creeps into relationships virtually unnoticed. And when the first signs appear, you don’t necessarily want to notice them. Spotting manipulation, especially from those closest to you, hurts unimaginably. Because of this, you may try to explain such attitudes at all costs, insisting that they are accompanied by good intentions.
Remember, however, that manipulation excuses nothing. If you do not react right away, the problem will not go away. On the contrary, it will grow and grow, making it difficult for you to function on a daily basis. So when you notice something disturbing, don’t ignore the situation and make excuses for hurtful behavior.
Maintain healthy relationships
Limit contact with the gaslighting person, and if possible, break off all relations with him or her. A cheating person rarely changes his or her behavior.
Have you experienced gaslighting? Seek outside support!
Have you experienced firsthand the devastating impact of gaslighting? Did someone try to tell you that white is black and black is white? Don’t know what to think anymore? Do you feel helpless and wish you could regain a sense of control again? Talking to your abuser will be of little use. He will try to further muddle your mind and add more elements to this maze of chaos. After all, he is the undisputed master at this. Look outside for support! Help for victims of emotional abuse is at hand – online psychotherapy.
Even if you have experienced manipulation for years, you have a chance to rebuild your self-confidence and regain control of your life. Psychotherapy will help you do this. Through it, you will get to negative beliefs and recognize the harmful experiences that have accumulated inside you. You will open up and externalize your emotions, thoughts and fears. You will deepen your knowledge of gaslighting and learn methods to resist it. And above all: you will regain your self-confidence and build a more positive self-image.
Remember – you are not alone. Tens of thousands of women around the world are victims of gaslighting, and being one of them is nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t let your self-confidence completely die out. Release the spark of change within you and start moving toward a better you. Get the help you deserve. Don’t let yourself be manipulated! If you realize that someone is trying to manipulate you by gaslighting, don’t be fooled. Remember your truths and what you know to be true.
1 Research by American psychology doctor Jay Carter indicates that only 1% of people use gaslighting intentionally and with full awareness. 20% of the population uses it as a defense mechanism without being fully aware of it, while the rest use it sporadically and unconsciously