One of the problems many of us face is a lack of ability to say no to others. As a result, there are often situations in which we do something against ourselves because we don’t know how to say no. Behind such behavior may be fear of the other person’s reaction, criticism and other consequences that a firm refusal or taking a different stand can cause. Lack of assertiveness is sometimes referred to as a negative trait because it hinders us from realizing our needs and dreams. We often hear statements in life that we need to be assertive and not allow others to violate our boundaries. However, what is assertiveness really and how do we understand it? Is it innate, or can it be learned? What are the consequences of its absence in everyday life?
Definition of assertiveness – what is assertiveness
Assertiveness does not belong to a particular character trait, it is rather a set of specific skills. These include precisely defending one’s social rights and responding in personal situations, as well as setting clear boundaries that other people should not violate. The definition of an assertive person is characterized by dexterity and realization of one’s needs while respecting others. Thus, it is someone who is not afraid to present his opinion to others, show his emotions and take a specific position in the situation at hand. An assertive person is also not afraid of socializing and expressing and accepting criticism or compliments. He is also capable of asking for and accepting help in difficult situations, expressing his feelings or communicating his own needs directly.
Assertive behavior – an assertive attitude
What does assertive behavior consist of? In a nutshell, assertive behavior can be defined as having one’s own opinion and expressing it directly, as well as showing emotions or adopting specific attitudes in a way that does not violate existing rules. It is also understood as defending one’s rights in various types of social or private situations. Assertive behavior is interpersonal behavior, expressing a person’s feelings, attitudes, needs, opinions and rights in a firm, direct manner and respecting the feelings, attitudes, opinions of the other person.
Attitude, associated with crossing boundaries
Other people often tend to violate our territory, they often know better what we need, how we should think, do, eat, wear and live with. When it comes to trespassing, we can distinguish three main attitudes, characterized by different traits. Thus, the following types of behavior are distinguished:
- assertive – this is an assertive attitude in which a person is able to define his boundaries, say no to others, express his needs, emotions and opinions. An assertive person is able to refuse while showing full respect for the other person, his needs and opinions.
- submissive – people who adopt a submissive, passive attitude often face many problems in their lives because of this. This is because they are unable to set boundaries for others, to say no, or to be honest with themselves. Submissiveness often goes hand in hand with a tendency to run away, to withdraw when the situation begins to require some kind of confrontation.
- aggressive – is, on the other hand, an attitude that means that a person tends to fight and aggressively, aggressively define their boundaries. Such an attitude is characterized by a lot of anger towards other people, such people may also threaten others to get what they want. Such people may impose their beliefs or opinions on others, disregarding the fact that they have their own opinions, which do not necessarily coincide with the one the aggressive person is trying to convince them of.
Thus, each of these attitudes is distinguished by different characteristics and has its consequences in everyday life. Submissive and passive people can often be taken advantage of by their environment. Their boundaries are sometimes violated and their needs are not respected. People quickly notice that such actions are not resisted by the passive person and thus begin to abuse his forbearance or patience. Aggressive people, on the other hand, can lead their environment to avoid them or even fear their behavior. It is too forward for others to feel comfortable in their company, and being assertive is not, after all, about violating others’ boundaries.
Lack of assertiveness – what does it result in?
Lack of assertiveness is most often associated with a submissive attitude, when a person withdraws and is unable to defend his own boundaries. It has very acute consequences in the daily life of the person who suffers from this problem. This is because it can happen that her environment begins to take advantage of the fact that she does not express her needs, cannot say no and does not present her opinions to others. Thus, she may often be asked for all sorts of favors. For example, she will be used at work to perform other people’s duties, or drowned out when she tries to express her opinion or request for help. This, in turn, results in difficulty finding one’s purpose in life or feeling that one has lost control. Thus, a lack of assertiveness often leads to feelings of helplessness or powerlessness, and even to frustration, lowered well-being and an unfavorable self-image.
The aforementioned problems resulting from a lack of assertive behavior are often sources of other mental health ailments. They can lead to disorders such as neurosis or depression, and sometimes even to more serious illnesses. When symptoms arise, it is best to go to a specialist for help, who will recognize what the person is struggling with and plan further actions related to it, including possible treatment or therapy. It is then worth seeking help – online psychotherapy. Such symptoms should not be taken lightly, as any of them can very quickly develop into a much more serious problem.
It is also mentioned that a greater problem with lack of assertiveness occurs among women. This is because they present more often a submissive, passive attitude, which has its source in how they are raised. This is because, as little girls, they hear that they should be nice, polite and submissive, as these are traits that belong stereotypically to the female gender. As a result, many women understand expressing their own opinion as aggressive behavior, and putting up boundaries and saying no to others as something that is inadvisable. This is because it causes resentment, and the woman herself begins to be perceived by her environment as a conflicted, aggressive and unpleasant person. So women, out of fear of rejection and disapproval, choose a submissive posture and believe in stereotypes that tell them to forgo healthy boundaries with others. As a result, many of them quickly burn out, develop a sense of helplessness, and their overall level of well-being declines. This is because they sacrifice them for the satisfaction of their loved ones.
Assertive messages, assertiveness exercises – how to develop them?
There are many examples of assertiveness and the phrases associated with it. It includes refusing when a person’s request violates one’s boundaries or resources, because one does not have the time to carry it out or it is not in line with one’s personal beliefs. Some people are able to force others to carry out their request or manipulate them into saying they should do it. Another aspect of assertiveness is directly expressing one’s opinion, such as on social, political or worldview issues, while those around us do not share our opinion. Assertiveness then means that we do not succumb to pressure and do not pretend that our beliefs coincide with those expressed by the general public.
When it comes to assertive behavior, it is important to choose the right phrases. It is important that they emphasize that the assertive person is not explaining his fault or mistake, such as refusing to attend a family dinner. One should rely on statements such as: “in my opinion”, “we have decided”, “I prefer”, “I already have other plans”, “this is unpleasant for me”, “I think” and the like. Such formulations put a person in the position of an equal partner with the interlocutor. They do not force one to explain or apologize for having different views or having planned one’s time in advance. At the same time, they are full of respect for the other person. It is also important to explain the reason for one’s decision, but be sure not to do so in an apologetic way or in a way that suggests that if it were not for unfavorable circumstances, one would have appeared to agree to the proposal in question. If one wants to go to the beach instead of spending time at lunch at mom’s house, it is enough to communicate this, rather than explaining that the absence is only due to the urging of friends.
In assertiveness, an essential element is an I-message – it accentuates our emotions, defines the situation or specific behavior. For example, “it feels fantastic when you unexpectedly take me to the movies,” or “it feels uncomfortable when you speak to me in a raised tone. The IAM message consists of two elements: a description of events, facts, and a description of the sender’s reaction to them.
Equally important is the ability to construct other important messages, such as an assertive request, which can be even more difficult than refusing others. This is because such a request is often combined with the fear of the refusal that may be heard. Some people very often procrastinate, hesitate, for fear of breaking up a friendship or love relationship. When asking, therefore, one should remember that a possible refusal does not mean an expression of dislike, but is simply a response to a specific request. One should also avoid attempts at manipulation, appealing to remorse or putting oneself in the role of a victim when formulating it. One should also understand that asking someone for help is not a sign of failure, lack of competence or that one has let others down. Everyone has the right to ask, because we all sometimes need support or advice in a difficult or new situation.
How to formulate assertive requests?
The ability to freely express your requests is a lot of value in communication. Assertiveness in a relationship, assertiveness at work, is not just putting up boundaries but skillful communication, regarding our needs. The ability to express what we need strengthens us and our self-confidence. Remember, each one of us can acquire these skills and get assertiveness training. Here are the most important tips when formulating our needs.
- Be direct. Get straight to the point and explain what you mean.
- Be brief. If you speak in too much detail, your interlocutor may not understand you. When you stop your request, pause and stop talking for a while so as to give an opportunity to respond.
- Justify your request. If an explanation is necessary it should be simple and concise.
- Avoid flattery.
- Avoid emotional blackmail and any other kind of blackmail.
- Don’t make excuses.
- Don’t treat a refusal as a personal failure.
- Accept the other person’s right to refuse.
- Don’t take advantage of the other person’s feelings or sensitivities.
Assertive man – how to learn assertiveness?
Assertive behavior is something that can be acquired by acquiring a number of skills and competencies. We can develop such assertive training almost every day, our daily life requires us to manifest assertive behavior. Assertive messages will make it easier for us to directly express our emotions, opinions, and to say no in situations where carrying out a certain request would cross certain boundaries and cause discomfort. In order to learn and implement them in our own lives, it is worth first recognizing the spheres in which the level of assertiveness is insufficient. Once you know where the problem arises – for example, in conversations with parents or in professional situations – you can then start working on specific situations.
When it comes to acquiring assertiveness, exercises are important, thanks to which a person becomes accustomed to expressing his own opinion and sometimes the ability to say “no” . They should be carried out in the company of a competent person who can assess their correctness or the progress being made. So if you have problems with assertiveness, it is worthwhile to apply for help to a therapist, who, according to his expertise, will first help identify where the problem lies, and then begin a series of exercises with the person If you want to work and increase your assertiveness, make an appointment – cognitive behavioral therapy. Remember that a psychologist or psychotherapist will help you develop this type of skill.
This will give you a chance to try out your ability to say no or set boundaries and express your needs in real life. Assertive communication style can be worked out on your own, as there are many courses and trainings on assertiveness available on the market. The most important thing, as in any skill, is to practice and gradually get out of old patterns that do us no good. Assertiveness, however, is a set of traits that can be practiced and thus one can learn to set boundaries, say no, express one’s beliefs, opinions or needs without fear of the reaction of those around one.
Thus, assertiveness is a very important aspect of human life that everyone can work on. The most important thing to always remember is that each of us has the right to say no to others and does not have to feel guilty about it. It does not lower a person’s value and does not make us bad, ungrateful women who do not respect others and their needs. Assertiveness is really about taking care of yourself, your resources and your well-being. A personal human right is first and foremost the right to be yourself. It is the right to devote one’s time, energy, material goods and make personal decisions according to one’s own will and benefit. Give yourself the right to be and live the way you want.