Do you sometimes have difficulty expressing your needs in intimate situations? Do you sometimes agree to something you don’t want in order not to offend your partner? Or do you find it difficult to communicate your desires clearly? Let’s take a closer look at sexual assertiveness – a skill that is crucial for your healthy intimate relationships.
What is sexual assertiveness?
Sexual assertiveness, a term used in psychology and sexology, is the ability to recognize, communicate and defend one’s boundaries and needs in the sexual sphere. It is more than just the ability to say “no” – it is a fundamental competency that affects the quality of intimate life and sexual safety.
Sexual assertiveness encompasses a range of skills: clearly expressing one’s needs, being able to say no to unwanted behavior, communicating boundaries without guilt, initiating desired experiences, negotiating safer practices, recognizing one’s partner’s boundaries, and taking care of one’s own safety in intimate situations.
Difficulties with developing sexual assertiveness
Many people face obstacles in expressing their sexual assertiveness. These difficulties often stem from social patterns and personal experiences.
In the social context, beliefs that it is inappropriate to talk about sex, stereotypes about gender roles in sexuality, taboos related to expressing sexual needs, and social pressure regarding so-called sexual normality have an impact.
From a personal perspective, barriers may include previous negative reactions to expressing needs, traumatic sexual experiences, lack of positive communication patterns about sexuality, or fear of rejection or criticism.
Consequences of lack of sexual assertiveness
Lack of sexual assertiveness negatively affects both mental health and relationships. On the psychological level, it leads to increasing frustration and tension, lowered self-esteem, a sense of loss of control over one’s sexuality, and anxiety in intimate situations.
In the relational context, it results in sexual misunderstandings, tensions and conflicts with the partner, emotional distance and the risk of crossing boundaries. When one person is unable to clearly communicate his or her needs and boundaries, the other may unknowingly violate them, leading to a deterioration in the quality of the relationship.
Assertiveness and sexual safety
Sexual assertiveness directly affects sexual safety. Assertive people are more likely to use protection, have more regular preventive examinations and communicate better about their sexual history.
Research in the field of sexology shows that sexually assertive people experience greater sexual satisfaction and have more stable intimate relationships. Building this confidence requires a systematic approach.
In the context of emotional security, assertiveness reduces the risk of sexual pressure, provides a higher sense of control over the situation and promotes better emotional regulation in intimate situations. Assertive people are less likely to agree to unwanted activities just to please their partner.
Barriers to developing sexual assertiveness
Clinical experience shows that the biggest barriers to sexual assertiveness are fear of rejection and lack of appropriate communication patterns. Overcoming these barriers requires work in several areas.
Overcoming the fear of rejection starts with understanding that your needs are important. Accepting the possibility of differences in sexual desires between partners and building a sense of self-worth regardless of your partner’s reaction are key components of this process.
Developing sexual language is another important element. Many people lack the proper vocabulary to express sexual needs. Learning the correct anatomical nomenclature, learning to express one’s preferences in a clear and respectful manner, and practicing communicating boundaries in neutral situations can greatly facilitate conversations about sexuality.
Dealing with sexual pressure is the ability to recognize various forms of pressure, such as emotional blackmail (“if you loved me…“), shaming (“everyone does it“) or manipulation (“I’ll never ask again“). Effective techniques for assertive refusal include a firm “no” without explaining yourself, repeating your position (the “stripped record” technique), and offering alternatives if you want to
Developing sexual assertiveness
Building sexual assertiveness is a process that requires patience and practice. It is a skill that can be effectively developed through conscious action and appropriate support.
The first step is to know your own boundaries. This is understanding what we really want and need in the sexual sphere. Often people automatically agree to their partner’s suggestions without thinking about their own desires. It’s a good idea to start by reflecting on your preferences and boundaries, writing them down in terms of “yes,” “maybe” and “no.”
Another element is communication without shame. Effective sexual communication is based on the ability to express your needs without guilt. It’s about clearly expressing your desires, communicating your discomfort, offering alternatives and sharing your concerns openly and directly.
Itis also important to recognize warning signs in intimate relationships. People with higher sexual assertiveness are more aware of their own bodily reactions, are better able to recognize signs of manipulation and are quicker to react to boundary crossings.
Effective communication in practice
It’s a good idea to start with small steps, not trying to take on the most difficult conversations right away. Start by expressing simpler preferences, such as the pace of approach, preferred time of day, type of touch or intensity of contact. These seemingly small communications build the foundation for more difficult conversations in the future.
Use “IAM” messages instead of accusing or criticizing. Focus on expressing your own needs:“I feel better when…”, “I need more time to…”, “I would prefer/need to…”. This way of communication reduces the risk that your partner will feel attacked, and increases the chances of a constructive conversation.
Effective sexual communication is based on clarity of message, concreteness and respect. Clarity means directly expressing your needs, e.g., “I’d like to slow down” instead of “Maybe a little too fast.” Concreteness means stating your preferences precisely: “I prefer a gentle touch here” instead of a general “Be more gentle.” Respect manifests itself in appreciating your partner’s perspective while expressing your own boundaries: “I appreciate your proposal, but it’s not something I feel like doing” instead of a harsh “Never in my life!”.
Setting boundaries before intimate situations also significantly increases the likelihood of compliance. Talking about preferences and boundaries at a neutral moment, when you are not engaged in sexual activity, allows for a calmer and more rational exchange of ideas.
Practical aspects of setting sexual boundaries
In practice, putting up sexual boundaries often faces real challenges. Even people who are aware of their rights can experience difficulties in enforcing them.
When a partner exerts pressure, using emotional arguments like“Since you love me, you should want…“, it’s worth respondingwith “I love you, but I’m not comfortable with this behavior,” or offering to talk about what intimacy means to each of you.
In a situation of overstepping pre-established boundaries, when a partner “forgets” previous arrangements, the key is to immediately stop the activity, remind people of the boundaries, and talk about the consequences of not respecting them.
Special attention should be paid to situations under the influence of alcohol, when the risk of crossing boundaries increases significantly. Setting rules before consuming alcohol, clearly communicating the “I do not consent to sex under the influence” rule, and planning in advance for a safe return home are all reasonable precautions.
When a partner introduces new elements without prior discussion, it is a good idea to use “stop” as a universal safety word, exercise the right to stop the activity at any time, and have a subsequent conversation about the need to agree on changes in advance.
Practical response techniques can be helpful. The “STOP-THINK-THINK” technique involves noticing discomfort, determining your limit and communicating it clearly. A comfort scale of 1-10 is to establish a communication system with your partner, regularly check your comfort level and be able to easily signal discomfort. A safety plan includes a predetermined plan of action, a trusted contact person and prepared exit strategies.
Examples of situations and assertive responses
When your partner is pushing for more physical intimacy, even though you don’t feel ready, you can say,“I appreciate your interest, but I need more time,” or“I care about our relationship and therefore want it to develop at a pace that is comfortable for both of us.”
When something that was previously pleasurable stops being so during sexual activity, you communicate:“Let’s stop for a while” or“This has stopped being pleasurable for me, let’s try something else.”
When a partner introduces new elements without talking first, you clearly set the limit:“Stop, let’s talk about it first” or “I need toagree on such changes beforehand.”
In the situation of refusing sexual activity when a partner is under the influence of alcohol, you firmly communicate:“I don’t have sex when someone is under the influence” or“This is my rule, which I won’t change.”
When your partner ignores the previously established boundaries, you respond firmly,“Stop. We’ve already established that this crosses my boundaries” or“I don’t agree to it. Our arrangements are important to me.”
When faced with pressure to give up protection, you set a clear boundary:“Without protection, I don’t have sex. It’s non-negotiable” or“My safety is a priority.”
In the case of unwanted sexual behavior in public places, you communicate your discomfort:“I do not wish such behavior in a public place” or“This is not the right time or place.”
When a partner exerts emotional pressure using blackmail like “if you loved me…”, you respond:“Love is also respect for the other person’s boundaries” or“My feelings for you do not depend on agreeing to certain sexual behaviors.”
Support in developing assertiveness
Sexual assertiveness develops best in a safe environment. Choosing the right partner who respects boundaries, is open to communication and supports your development is key. Equally important is creating a safe space that is free of judgment, allows room for mistakes and is open to dialogue.
It’s worth remembering your right to change your mind. Consent expressed earlier can be withdrawn, boundaries can change over time, and each situation can be handled individually. Consistency in maintaining established boundaries, responding to boundary violations and valuing one’s own development is also important.
Summary
Sexual assertiveness is a skill that anyone can develop. You don’t have to be perfect/perfect at expressing it right away. Every small step toward better communication of your own needs has value and brings you closer to healthier, more satisfying intimate relationships.
You can also talk to a specialist – a sexologist or psychologist – online psychotherapy. You have the right to take care of your own sex life and intimate relationships.
Bibliography:
- Morokoff, P. J., Quina, K., Harlow, L. L., Whitmire, L., Grimley, D. M., Gibson, P. R., & Burkholder, G. J. (1997). “Sexual Assertiveness Scale (SAS) for women: Development and validation.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(4), 790-804.
- Santos-Iglesias, P., & Sierra, J. C. (2010). “El papel de la asertividad sexual en la sexualidad humana: una revisión sistemática”. International Journal of Clinical and Health Psychology, 10(3), 553-577.
- Loshek, E., & Terrell, H. K. (2015). “The Development of the Sexual Assertiveness Questionnaire (SAQ): A Comprehensive Measure of Sexual Assertiveness for Women.” The Journal of Sex Research, 52(9), 1017-1027.
- Zerubavel, N., & Messman-Moore, T. L. (2013). “Sexual victimization, fear of sexual powerlessness, and cognitive emotion dysregulation as barriers to sexual assertiveness in college women.” Violence Against Women, 19(12), 1518-1537.