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Does self-compassion help in life?

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The harshest critic for us is ourselves. This is the conclusion we often come to when we listen to what our inner voice says in moments of reflection on failures(It’s my fault. I’m not up to it at all), but also successes(I was lucky. They helped me.) or when faced with a new opportunity(I’m not qualified for this). It is relatively easy for us to adopt an attitude of empathy and cordiality toward our loved ones, but for ourselves we are more often harsh than supportive. In our thoughts about ourselves, we define ourselves as inadequate. Insufficiently competent, assertive, thin, curious, creative…. The list goes on. Even the smallest informative signal from the environment that we don’t fit in or have made a mistake falls on fertile soil and grows far beyond one situation, distorting the overall picture of ourselves.

In addition to the fact that such a view of ourselves is damaging in itself, it also leads to further consequences: anxiety, sadness, depressive states, shame, guilt. Nevertheless, we consistently invoke this critical voice, believing that it will keep us motivated to act and work on self-improvement.

The method to crack down on such a destructive attitude can only be a different approach to ourselves. Let’s try to start treating ourselves as someone we care about. With love, tenderness and self-compassion.

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is usually translated into Polish as self-compassion. This translation, although the best one to date, does not fully capture the essence of the matter. This is because we often associate compassion with feeling sorry for another person, worrying about them when they experience something difficult, such as when they lose their job or are cheated. In contrast, self-compassion is an attitude that gives a much broader emotional response: warmth and understanding.

Self-compassion, then, is not self-pity in a superficial sense, such as fretting or worrying about oneself. Self-compassion is a change in life attitude to one in which we see ourselves in a broader spectrum. We notice our own needs, recognizing them as important. We treat ourselves with kindness and benevolence.

Self-compassion is especially important when we experience difficulties and setbacks in our lives, but also simply tiredness. Then we often automatically interpret unpleasant events as our failure or weakness, blame ourselves, attack ourselves for being insufficient, hopeless, unimportant, weak, stupid, unattractive… This cruel, unfair voice can stop the thought: would you say this to a person you love and whom you are trying to understand? Whom you want to support?

Paul Gilbert, one of the leading specialists in self-compassion, defines compassion as follows:

“basic benevolence, with a deep sense of understanding of one’s own suffering and that of other living beings, combined with a desire and effort to relieve them.”[1]

According to Gilbert, we can distinguish three major elements of self-compassion:

  1. Awareness. Being attentive or sensitive to the fact that some kind of difficulty is taking place. Difficulty can mean struggling with emotional, mental or physical pain.
  2. Recognizing that experiencing this kind of pain is universal, we all experience it at some point, to varying degrees, difficult moments will always appear in our lives. It is worth trying to accept our own experiences. The most important thing is that experiencing pain is not our fault or a manifestation of failure of failure, failure. We are not to blame for our pain and we are not alone in it.
  3. Mitigation. Focusing our energy on ways to alleviate the pain, for example, by providing comfort and caring activities related to kindness, care and concern providing comfort and caring activities related to kindness, care and concern.

Self-compassion according to Kristin Neff

Kristin Neff is an American psychologist and researcher who has been studying the concept of self-compassion for more than two decades. She believes that self-compassion is the key to leading a happier and more fulfilling life. Self-compassion includes being kind to yourself, understanding your own suffering and treating yourself with care and respect. In her research, Kristin Neff found that self-compassion leads to better psychological well-being, better relationships with others and greater resilience in the face of difficult circumstances. Her work has helped many people learn how to cultivate self-compassion in their own lives.

Self-compassion is the ability to express care and understanding to oneself. It is a process that helps people better understand themselves and their needs. Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as “giving yourself pleasure, showing yourself support, acceptance and respect.” This means that self-compassion is important for our well-being and for our mental and physical health.

Why is self-compassion for oneself so important?

Evolutionary significance

Being cared for from birth is essential for human survival. The success of societies depends on receiving care and being motivated to provide it to others. When care and kindness are present in a community, people cooperate with each other, support each other and build mutual solidarity.

Benefits to mental health and well-being.

Self-serving the need for care and concern can be extremely valuable. Research has shown that self-compassion, understood as tenderness, understanding, is strongly associated with our mental health and well-being. People who offer more warmth to themselves are less likely to experience depressive states, anxiety and stress. Quality of life, feelings of well-being and satisfaction in relationships improve.

Self-compassion vs. balancing our emotional states.

According to Paul Gilbert, our emotions are governed by three systems, each of which plays an important role in regulating our emotions: the threat, mobilization and reassurance systems. In times of war, which fortunately is now foreign to us, the presence of the enemy stimulates our threat system. Today, other stimuli play this role. The world is saturated with an atmosphere of competition, from everywhere we hear the message that we must do more, be better, otherwise we will prove to be unworthy, inadequate. Small mistakes, imperfections or shortcomings in our skills or appearance are seen as threats to our reputation, social status, relationships, careers, happiness or simply our future.

Faced with such a threat, we motivate ourselves to change, to fight, to act. We focus on our aspirations. The mobilization system developed by dopamine increases our persistence in making our goals a reality. Unfortunately, both of these systems (threat and mobilization) when highly overactive lead to a host of mental health problems: perfectionism, compulsions, chronic stress and even addictions. The risk of these is increased by simultaneous low levels of sedation.

The sedation system has an extinguishing effect on the other two systems. After all, you can’t be in threat and sedation mode at the same time. The good news is that we can generate this salutary tranquility on our own, if only by applying mindfulness techniques or through meditation training, mind fulness helps us stay on top of good things. The most important thing is to simply allow ourselves to relax and be calm, to give ourselves a safe space.

The calming system is stimulated when we experience kindness, care and warmth. This is related to oxytocin, often called the “love hormone,” whose levels increase in situations of bonding and closeness. Directing compassion inward, that is, to oneself, has similar effects: the oxytocin produced stimulates the calming system, acting favorably on our mental condition.

Why is self-compassion for oneself so important?

Why is self-compassion practice sometimes difficult?

Early life experiences

It’s not easy to come by behaviors that we never observed or were not addressed. If criticism and demands were prevalent at home while growing up, and we didn’t receive much warmth and understanding from loved ones, it will be much more difficult for us to develop an attitude of tenderness toward ourselves later in life. It will thus be more challenging to alleviate our own emotional states.

Threat System

When the head is dominated by negative thoughts related to regret, reproach, recurrent criticism (“if only I had started working on it earlier…”; “why did I even say that…”, “after all, I could have predicted it…”), a mobilizing physiological reaction related to the atavistic “fight or flight” is triggered in the body. The brain, reading the negative thoughts, switches into threat mode to protect itself. The whole process, occurs as if the threat comes from outside, although its source is actually within ourselves. In this chain of stimuli and reactions, the key mistake is to focus attention on negative thoughts and not balance them by alternative thoughts: tender, understanding, supportive ones. Probably the kind of thoughts we would bestow on a loved one, while minimizing their sense of threat.

Negative beliefs about self-compassiom

Yes, we know. Some of us may be outraged at the very thought of self-compassion, associating it with self-flagellation, laziness, or self-pity, and consequently, with underselling our ambitions. And such associations are hardly surprising. After all, we are not taught about self-compassion at school, and not necessarily at home either. On the contrary, rather, we were brought up – and, unfortunately, we continue this message – that one should demand more from oneself than from others, one’s own needs should give way to the needs of those around one. Self-sacrifice for learning, work or the welfare of others is even rewarded. But let’s ask ourselves, who does it really serve and to what extent?

Do you need more compassion from yourself?

Each of us can only benefit from a little compassion towards ourselves. In truth, it’s not something to overdo. The ability to cultivate self-compassion can prove to be a skill that can dramatically change our hierarchy of values. It can also become very helpful in setting an action plan or achieving goals. Especially if we have approached ourselves in a demanding and critical manner for most of our lives.

Where to start?

To build self-compassion we must first slow down and activate the parasympathetic nervous system, turning on the calming mode to quiet our body and mind. In developing the skill of self-compassion, it is very important to notice the moment when our inner critic comes to the fore and try to redirect our attention to tenderness and cordiality for ourselves. It is worthwhile to choose the direction of compassion and kindness to ourselves in order to heal our negative beliefs and patterns about ourselves.

A meeting with a psychotherapist or coach can be a good start to developing self-compassion. Feel free to schedule an appointment – online psychotherapy and online coaching

Literature:

[1] Gilbert, Paul (2009), The Compassionate Mind, Constable & Robinson Publishers, London, UK

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I am a certified psychotherapist and CBT supervisor. I use the latest methods of cognitive-behavioral therapy and schema therapy. My specialty? Turning complex theories into practical advice and solutions! As an expert in the field, I not only run a clinical practice, but also train and supervise other psychotherapists. I invite you to read my articles and contact me if you need professional support.

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