Love is a feeling that can wing and give meaning to life. In an ideal world, every relationship would be a source of endless joy. Unfortunately, reality can be more complicated. Sometimes, despite our sincerest efforts, the relationship ceases to give happiness, and frustration and suffering appear instead. When does a toxic relationship make no sense? What are the indications for its termination? In today’s article, we’ll look at the signals that may indicate that it’s time to make the decision to break up. We’ll also consider how to recognize that it’s time to consider letting down your love.
How does a relationship change over time?
The beginning of a relationship is a period when we look at the world through rose-colored glasses. Over time, however, every relationship undergoes a natural transformation, and the dynamics of these changes are perfectly captured by Robert Sternberg’s three-factor concept of love. It distinguishes three components of love:
- Intimacy – emotional closeness, mutual understanding and trust, and concern for the welfare of the partner,
- Passion – romantic elation, desire and fascination, as well as the search for physical intimacy,
- Commitment – a conscious decision to build a future together and overcome obstacles.
In the initial phase of the relationship, passion dominates. It blossoms quickly and intensely, involving us completely, but just as quickly subsides. At the same time, slowly and gradually, intimacy develops, which allows us to build a deep emotional bond. When the storm of hormones of infatuation subsides completely, instead, commitment comes to the fore. It is it that binds mature relationships together, giving strength to survive crises and build a lasting relationship.
The evolution of love – from passion to emptiness?
If intimacy and commitment develop harmoniously, the decline in passion need not be a cause for concern. The relationship can evolve into a complete relationship, where all three components are present (although passion is not as intense as at the beginning). Later, on the other hand, it evolves into a friendship relationship, where intimacy and commitment dominate, and passion dies out. The problem arises when we fail to sustain intimacy. We then enter the phase of an empty relationship, in which we persist out of habit and a sense of obligation. The lack of emotional intimacy makes the relationship a formality, which often leads to its breakdown.
A toxic arrangement. When to end a relationship?
It’s natural that after years the relationship doesn’t look like the first dates. However, even a long-standing relationship can be a source of happiness and satisfaction. But what to do when joy and fulfillment give way to chronic dissatisfaction? There are signals that should make us think seriously about the future of the relationship. Signs that a relationship is not making sense are:
- Lack of respect – the partner disregards our needs and feelings, refers to us with contempt.
- Unhealthy communication patterns – every conversation ends in an argument, there is a lack of constructive dialogue and a desire to get along.
- Control and manipulation – the partner always imposes his opinion, sets rigid rules, uses blackmail, manipulation or psychological violence.
- Emotional detachment and indifference – when the lack of physical closeness is joined by a lack of emotional closeness. They begin to live side by side rather than with each other.
- Stunted personal growth – the relationship forces us away from our passions and stops us from becoming a better version of ourselves.
- Repeated betrayals – a breach of trust can be a wound that cannot be healed (and then any attempts to rebuild the relationship have no chance of succeeding).
- Constant criticism – the partner constantly criticizes our behavior, appearance or decisions made, undermines competence and creates a sense of inferiority.
- Lack of desire to build a future together – lack of common goals and dreams, divergence of our life paths in key areas (such as finances, social life, spirituality, starting a family).
- Chronic sense of exhaustion – the relationship becomes a source of sadness and frustration, leading to overwhelm.
- Imbalance between giving and taking – when one party invests all their energy, time and feelings all the time, and the other is just a “taker,” giving nothing in return.
The aforementioned signs may indicate that the relationship has exhausted its potential, and that continuing in it will do more harm than good. If we notice the presence of these elements in our relationship, it is worth seriously considering its future. The final decision to break up is always individual and does not come easily. However, sometimes it is the only way to regain inner peace.
When to repair a relationship?
The line between a relationship worth saving and one that should be ended is sometimes thin and difficult to grasp. Where is there still room for repair?
A relationship is worth fighting for when:
- The crisis is temporary and related to a specific situation – the problems arose as a result of stress, life change, financial troubles, illness, loss of a loved one or other major crisis. Difficulties then are not deep and enduring patterns of behavior, but a reaction to unfavorable conditions. A crisis here can prove to be an opportunity to strengthen the relationship, as long as the partners are able to go through this time together, showing mutual support and understanding.
- Both parties want change and are willing to work on the relationship – each partner recognizes the growing problems and wants to solve them. This makes it possible to reach compromises and make meaningful changes.
- The problems are in specific areas, not the entire relationship – the troubles focus on one or two aspects of the relationship (e.g., communication, intimacy, child rearing), while the relationship functions well in other areas.
- The relationship is still based on mutual respect and kindness – despite problems, we still relate to each other with respect, kindness and empathy. Even during arguments, we try not to hurt each other and are able to see each other’s good points. This foundation is a solid base for rebuilding positive dynamics in the relationship.
- Shared values and life goals are still valid – despite the crisis, we still share similar values with our partner and have a similar vision of the future. Shared values allow us to see the sense of continuing to fight for the relationship, reminding us that we are connected by something deeper and more lasting than current problems. It is the realization that despite our differences, we are still looking in the same direction.
Why is it so hard for us to part ways? The trap of sunk costs
Why do so many people persist in unhappy relationships? This is explained by the concept of sunk costs, which says that we often cling to something in which we have already invested a lot – time, energy, emotions or money. This happens even when the ongoing “costs” far outweigh the gains. Thus, we may be stuck in a relationship because of beautiful memories, shared plans, hopes for the future, financial obligations or children. These elements create a mental block against a breakup, even when reason tells us it is the best option. However, we must remember thatpersisting in an unhealthy relationship means continuing to pay the cost – this time the cost in terms of our happiness and mental health.
How do you end a relationship when you love each other?
Breaking up in spite of love is one of the most difficult yet mature decisions you can make. This is because sometimes, despite strong feelings, the relationship cannot provide further growth and fulfillment. The maturity of this decision lies in the ability to separate the romantic vision of love from the real dynamics of the relationship.
It is very important to realize that love is not the only component of a successful relationship. Despite strong emotions towards a partner, differences in values, life goals, or the way we communicate can prove to be insurmountable obstacles. It then comes to a situation where you love very much, but at the same time understand that your paths must diverge. It is worth asking yourself then: does this love support me or hurt me?
Deciding to separate in such a difficult case requires time, reflection and courage. Necessary here are:
- Understanding your own emotions – don’t downplay your emotions, but don’t let them deceive you either. Although love can be strong, it can sometimes be the glue of an unhappy relationship, taking all the energy and joy out of life. Ask yourself: is it really a sincere feeling, or is it a habit, a fear of loneliness, memories of good days or a hope that “someday it will be better.” Emotions are important, but in this case the decision should be based on a rational analysis of the situation, needs and long-term goals.
- Reflection – including answering difficult questions about the meaning of the relationship and its future. Do you feel loved and supported? Does your partner relate to you with respect? Are your needs being met? Analyze all the alarm signals and recall the attempts you made to save the relationship, trying to remain as objective as possible. Write down your feelings, thoughts, fears and conclusions to which these reflections lead.
- Imagining the future – think about what your life would be like a year from now and five years from now if you remain in your current relationship. Would you be happy, fulfilled and at peace then? Then imagine the future after the breakup. It may be difficult and painful at first, but is there potential for new opportunities and building a life on your own terms? Which vision seems more promising and in line with your desires? Which raises more hope?
- Talk to your partner – if possible, talk to your partner about your doubts. Express your concerns and give space to express his perspective. Perhaps he also recognizes the problems, but so far has been afraid to speak out about them. See if he is willing to work on the relationship together and make significant changes in your daily life. Be realistic, though: if the problems are deep, and previous conversations and efforts have not yielded results, it may be the same this time.
- Meet with a trusted person – share your doubts with a friend, family member or psychologist. Such conversations will allow you to see the situation from a different perspective, make a comprehensive analysis of it and make a more informed decision. A therapist can additionally offer professional support and methods to help you cope with strong emotions.
The decision to end a relationship – how to break up after a long relationship?
The decision to end a long-term relationship is a courageous step that brings with it huge life changes. It is often combined with a move, the division of joint property, and often a change in the existing circle of friends. It is also a time filled with intense emotions – sadness, grief, a sense of loss and uncertainty before a new, independent future. However, it is worth remembering that these difficulties open the door to a whole new chapter. When you overcome them, you will regain control of your life, rediscover your potential and build a future in accordance with your own needs.
There is no one-size-fits-all recipe for how to break up. However, there are some tips to help you get through this difficult time with greater awareness and concern for your own well-being:
- Think carefully about the decision – the desire to break up must come from a deep conviction, not a momentary impulse.
- Schedule a conversation with your partner – choose a quiet place and time when both of you can explain all issues to each other in peace.
- Honestly justify ending the relationship – speak openly and honestly about your feelings and the reasons for the decision, avoiding accusations and blame. Focus on giving specific reasons and explaining why continuing in the relationship is not good for you.
- Set boundaries and rules for contact – once you have talked about the breakup, set clear rules together for further contact. Do you need time without contact? What will your communication look like? Setting boundaries will help both you and your partner to get through the breakup process better.
How to cope after a breakup? 5 practical tips that can help
What can you do to help yourself during this difficult time?
- Give yourself the right to experience emotions – don’t suppress your feelings. Allow yourself to feel sadness, anger, grief and disappointment. This is part of the grieving process you go through after the loss of an important relationship and related plans.
- Take care of yourself – focus on your needs. Take care of your physical and mental health: get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise, meditate, discover new passions and ways to relax.
- Give yourself time – don’t expect everything to return to normal a few days after a breakup. The process of healing wounds, recovering and getting used to a new reality takes time. Also, don’t rush into dating and entering into a new, healthy relationship. Be forgiving to yourself and give yourself space to recover and get to know yourself.
- Seek support from loved ones – try not to isolate yourself. Talking to friends, family and supportive people will help you to get rid of accumulated emotions, clear your thoughts and stop thinking about your former partner.
- Get help from a psychologist or psychotherapist – consultation with a specialist helps you to go through the mourning of a lost relationship, understand the emotions that arise, analyze the reasons for the breakup and move on.
Remember that a breakup can be the beginning of a new and better chapter of life. Although it involves difficult emotions at the beginning, over time it allows you to find yourself again. If you are experiencing difficulties, constant hesitation about ending a relationship make an appointment with a specialist – online psychotherapy. Find space for yourself and your doubts.
Bibliography
Evatt, C., Feld, B. (2001). Givers and takers. Secrets of mutual fascination. Gdańsk: Gdańsk Psychological Publishing House.
Wojciszke, B. (2016). Psychology of love. Gdańsk: Gdańsk Psychological Publishing House.