An Ambiguous Loss -When a Loved One Is Both Here and Gone

You put your phone down after talking to your mom. You talked for a while, but once again, that connection—which used to be so natural between you—was missing. Ambiguous loss is a situation in which a loved one is, in one sense, present, and in another, absent. They may be physically absent—like a missing person whose fate remains unknown. They may also be right there, but due to illness, for example, contact with them becomes limited, and you lose important elements of your previous bond. A theory describing this experience was developed by researcher and family therapist Pauline Boss ( Boss, 2007; Dahl and Boss, 2020).

Ambiguous loss can also apply to a relationship with a parent who is still in your life but remains emotionally unavailable. You may also mourn the hope that your parent will one day start listening to you, acknowledge your experiences, apologize, or show interest without judgment. What becomes painful is not only “I didn’t get that,” but also “perhaps I won’t get that in this relationship.” The parent is still in your life. You can talk and gather around the holiday table, and yet you may still long for the closeness that’s missing between you. This experience can feel like an ambiguous loss: the person is present, but an important part of the relationship you need remains out of reach.

This text will help you name the kind of loss that those around you may not recognize. Here, you’ll also find ways to separate uncertainty from what you still have control over—without forcing yourself to forget, forgive, or bounce back quickly.

What is ambiguous loss?

Ambiguous loss, also known as unclear or ambiguous loss, refers to a situation in which it is difficult to determine the presence of a loved one and the nature of the bond between you. According to Pauline Boss’s theory, uncertainty isn’t just a feeling you have: it stems from the situation itself, which remains unresolved or alters the existing relationship (Boss, 2016; Dahl and Boss, 2020).

So it’s not just that you can’t accept the facts. Sometimes there isn’t enough information to resolve anything. Sometimes the facts are known—for example, a diagnosis of an illness—but it’s difficult to navigate a relationship that continues while simultaneously changing:

Boss distinguishes two basic types of this experience:

• Physical absence, psychological presence. The absent person still occupies an important place in the family, in decisions, and in expectations. An example is the disappearance of a loved one whose fate remains unknown.
• Physical presence, altered psychological availability. The person is there, but contact, reciprocity, or previous roles have changed significantly. An example is dementia, which alters the ability to converse and share memories.

This distinction does not mean that the person with the illness ceases to be themselves or that it is no longer possible to experience closeness with them. It helps to name the loss of specific ways of connecting—it does not negate the entire relationship or the person’s worth. You can still enjoy a walk together, and then cry when you get back because you can no longer talk the way you used to. One does not negate the other.

Why is it so hard to let go?

With ambiguous loss, it’s hard to let go because the uncertainty persists: there’s no single answer on which to base the rest of your life. You may be experiencing loss and holding onto hope at the same time, and even ordinary decisions begin to trigger a sense of disloyalty. In the case of a missing person, planning a trip may feel risky to you: “What if news comes in right then?” With a mother’s progressive illness, taking a break might trigger another thought: “Since she’s suffering, I shouldn’t have a good day.” These are examples of situations, not descriptions of specific patients. However, they illustrate an important tension: concern for a loved one begins to merge with a sense that you’re not allowed to focus on your own life.

Added to this is the reaction of those around you. “But Mom is still alive.” “Maybe you should just stop thinking about it.” Statements like these don’t resolve the uncertainty. Instead, they can make it harder to talk about a loss that doesn’t fit the socially recognized framework of saying goodbye.

When your parent hasn’t changed, but you’re starting to see more

Loss in a relationship with a parent doesn’t always begin with their passing or illness. Sometimes it only becomes clear when, as an adult daughter, you realize what’s missing between you. Your parent still calls, remembers your birthday, and helps with practical matters. And yet, you can’t tell them about something difficult without them judging you, changing the subject, or you having to comfort them.

In clinical studies, this experience is sometimes described as mourning the parent-child relationship you needed but never had. It can take the form of an ambiguous loss, where the parent remains present yet remains inaccessible in the emotional realm that matters to you. However, not every disappointment with a parent should be understood in this way.

Therapy can help you name this past lack

You tell your mom that you’re overwhelmed. You hear that others have it worse. In the past, you might have thought, “I’m overreacting. I shouldn’t burden her.” Now you notice something else: you came to be heard, and once again you have to justify why you’re having a hard time at all. Your perspective is shifting. Instead of automatically looking for the fault in yourself, you’re starting to look at what’s happening between the two of you.

Therapy can help you recognize and name a loss that was previously downplayed. This doesn’t automatically mean that she created the problem or “ruined” the relationship. It may simply make her limitations more apparent. This is a clinical way of understanding such an experience—not a rule that applies to every therapy.

A similar shift in perspective can accompany other experiences of adult life. There’s no need to determine who is “more mature.” What’s more important is whether you’re able to recognize your needs more clearly and see what’s actually happening in the relationship. A parent may help you with practical matters while still being unable to accept your sadness. You can appreciate the former and suffer because of the latter.

You may also mourn the loss of hope

Loss may not only concern what was missing in childhood. It may also concern the expectation that you will still receive it from a parent: interest, recognition, an apology, a safe conversation. This kind of mourning for a needed but inaccessible relationship appears in clinical descriptions of work with adult children of emotionally unavailable parents.

Perhaps you’ve been thinking for a long time:

• “When I explain this to her better, she’ll finally understand.”

• “When she sees how much I’ve accomplished, she’ll be proud of me.”

• “If I stop getting angry, we’ll be able to get closer.”

• “Maybe this time she’ll ask how I’m really feeling.”

These are examples of expectations, not a list of symptoms. A painful moment may come when you allow yourself to consider that not everything depends on how well you choose your words or how hard you try. Your need for closeness wasn’t a mistake. However, you can’t ensure reciprocity in the relationship on your own. Acknowledging this doesn’t mean you have to be certain that your parent will never change. You may not know what the future holds, yet you can still make decisions today based on what this relationship looks like right now. Regaining the ability to act despite uncertainty is one of the focuses of the Boss model.

Understanding your parent does not erase your experience

Perhaps you know that your mother never received affection herself. You see that your father never learned how to talk about his feelings. You can take this into account without giving up on acknowledging your own needs. The phrase “they did the best they could” doesn’t have to end the conversation. You can add: “And I still missed out on some important things.” You don’t have to portray your parent as entirely bad to take what hurt you seriously. Good memories and experiences of deprivation can be part of the same story. Acknowledging conflicting feelings—without being forced to choose one version of the relationship—is an important part of the Boss approach

How to Deal with Uncertainty?

Coping with ambiguous loss doesn’t have to mean gaining certainty or severing ties. The Boss approach is about regaining the ability to live despite questions that still have no answers: by acknowledging the loss, adjusting your sense of agency, making sense of the relationship, and seeking new sources of hope (Dahl and Boss, 2020).

The suggestions below are inspired by this approach. They are not a diagnostic test or a ready-made therapy program. Choose what fits your situation—you don’t have to do all the exercises.

Name the specific loss

Instead of starting with a general “I’m not coping,” try finishing this sentence:

“What I miss most is…”

Perhaps you miss a conversation in which your mom remembered the things that mattered to you. Maybe you miss the certainty of having someone to plan your future with. Or the feeling that someone else takes over when you’re tired.

Naming a specific loss helps separate it from your self-assessment. In theory, according to Boss, acknowledging what has been lost and remains unclear is an important starting point for further work (Boss, 2016).

You don’t have to know right away what to do about it. For starters, it’s enough to stop dismissing the actual loss as “exaggeration.”

Separate impact from expectation

Take a piece of paper and write down two sentences: “I can’t decide…” and “Today I can…”.

• I can’t decide whether a loved one will regain their former mobility. I can ask the medical team about current options and arrange for a substitute caregiver.
• I can’t tell whether someone will want to rebuild our relationship. I can decide which behaviors I won’t tolerate.
• I can’t decide when the fate of a missing person will be clarified. I can agree on a way to share information with those leading the search.
• I cannot determine whether I will return to my home country. I can nurture one relationship and maintain one consistent routine each week where I live.

These are examples of bringing order to a situation, not a way to take control of its outcome.

Boss talks about adjusting your sense of influence, not about letting go of it entirely. Sometimes you need to acknowledge the limits of your abilities. Other times—you need to regain real agency, ask for help, or exercise your rights. If someone is missing, it’s a good idea to coordinate with those leading the search before limiting your own urge to constantly check for updates. A psychological exercise shouldn’t hinder the actions necessary for safety.

Make room for “and”

In the face of an ambiguous loss, feelings that seem mutually exclusive may coexist. Acknowledge this ambivalence—that is, conflicting feelings toward the same person or situation.

Try replacing the sentence “I love my mom, but I’m tired of taking care of her” with:

“I love my mom, and I’m tired of taking care of her.”

Or:

“I miss this person, and I don’t want to accept the way they treated me.”

This isn’t meant to make you feel better right away. It’s meant to help you realize that one part of the experience doesn’t invalidate the other. You also don’t have to find love, gratitude, or a willingness to reconnect within yourself. If the relationship was harmful, acknowledging the loss does not require reconciliation.

Separate the decision from the explanation

You may never get a satisfactory answer to the question of why someone left or cut off contact. However, you can still decide how you want to be treated.

The following statement may be helpful:

“I don’t know why you did that. I do know that I don’t want to continue this kind of contact.”

This is a suggestion for setting boundaries, not a recommendation to end the relationship immediately. The point is to distinguish between two things: understanding others’ motives and protecting your own needs. If you’re worried about the other person’s reaction, don’t treat a direct conversation as a mandatory exercise. First, make sure you’re safe and have access to support.

Adapt the relationship to reality

Changing the way you maintain a relationship doesn’t have to mean forgetting. In the Boss model, you can seek a form of relationship that takes into account both the importance of your loved one and the current limitations on contact (Dahl and Boss, 2020).

When a parent is ill, this might mean asking fewer memory-testing questions and instead spending more time listening to familiar music together or simply being there quietly—as long as this meets the loved one’s needs. Research describes adapting shared activities as one way to maintain closeness despite changes related to illness. When living abroad, you may need to stop expecting that long-distance contact will recreate your entire former daily routine. Instead, try to establish something feasible: a conversation at a set time, sharing everyday events, or planning visits together. The importance of maintaining bonds and clarifying roles also emerges in studies of transnational families.

Not everything can be restored. That doesn’t mean nothing can be preserved.

Ask for help without explaining everything

Those around you don’t always understand a loss that has no clear beginning or end. However, you can ask for something specific instead of trying to convince someone of your entire story.

For example:

• “I don’t need comfort right now. I want you to listen to me.”
• “I need someone to take over for Mom—not another piece of advice telling me to rest.”
• “Don’t ask me every time we meet if there’s any news yet. I’ll let you know myself.”
• “I want to see you, even if I’m going to be sad for part of our time together.”

These are suggested phrases that you can adapt to your own situation. Support should address your situation, not add another obligation: making others feel comfortable around your sadness.

Talk about your needs and boundaries without promising to change the other person

You can use phrases like these:

• “I don’t need advice right now. I just want to talk about what I’m going through.”

• “I see that we remember this differently. I don’t want to have to convince you of my feelings all over again.”

• “If you start insulting me, I’ll end the conversation.”

• “I need someone to take over for Mom—not another piece of advice telling me to get some rest.”

• “Don’t ask me every time we meet if there’s any news yet. I’ll let you know myself.”

These are suggested phrasings, not formulas guaranteed to elicit a positive response. Their purpose is to articulate your position.

If you’re afraid of violence or retaliation, having a direct conversation isn’t a mandatory step. First, make sure you have a safe way to get help.

Hope doesn’t have to mean a return

In the Boss approach, seeking new hope does not mean you have to believe that a loved one will return or regain their former ability. Hope can also relate to other aspects of life: getting help, maintaining a connection in a different form, or regaining the ability to make your own decisions. You can continue to wait for answers while also planning for next week. You can have a good evening without seeing it as proof that the loss is no longer important. It’s not about finding a silver lining in suffering. It’s about ensuring that an unresolved situation doesn’t have to dictate every aspect of your life.

When Self-Help Isn’t Enough

Not every loss requires psychotherapy. However, support becomes particularly important when suffering limits daily functioning and available coping strategies are no longer enough; research on the loved ones of missing persons and caregivers of people with dementia shows that other psychological difficulties may arise alongside grief (Kennedy et al., 2019; Rodriguez Colmenares et al., 2026).

Consider seeking counseling, especially if:

• Sleeping, eating, working, or basic self-care have become very difficult.
• You spend most of your day checking, analyzing, or imagining different scenarios.
• You’re turning to alcohol or other substances more and more often to cope with the stress.
• Violence, intimidation, or controlling behavior are present in your relationship.
• You feel that you can no longer cope with the burden of caregiving or the uncertainty on your own.

These are signs that you should talk to a professional—not a checklist for self-diagnosis. If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or can’t ensure your own safety, you need urgent help—don’t wait for a scheduled online consultation.

Therapeutic work shouldn’t boil down to convincing you that “it’s time to let go.” It may involve acknowledging losses, working through guilt and conflicting emotions, establishing boundaries, and rebuilding your daily life; there is research supporting such targeted interventions, though their results depend on the situation and the method used.You don’t need to know how this story ends to start taking care of your life.

At Nowe Widoki, you can schedule your first consultation and talk about what’s weighing on you the most right now—with no obligation to start long-term therapy.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Is it possible to grieve for someone who is still alive?

Yes. You may mourn the loss of the closeness, reciprocity, or shared future you once had, even though your loved one is still alive. Research on caregivers of people with dementia describes such experiences as “pre-death grief”; this concept of ambiguous loss helps explain some of the relational changes associated with it.

Can therapy trigger a sense of loss in a relationship with a parent?

During therapy, you may become more clearly aware of a void that you previously downplayed or attributed to your own guilt. You may experience sadness over unmet needs and hopes for a change in the relationship. This is one possible way to understand such an experience; it is not a mandatory stage of therapy nor proof that you must limit contact with your parent.

Is ambiguous loss a disease?

It isnot, in and of itself, a diagnosis of a disease. Boss’s theory describes a situation marked by distressing uncertainty and ways of understanding it—not a set of symptoms that allows for a diagnosis. In such a situation, however, difficulties requiring separate assessment may co-occur, such as depressive or post-traumatic symptoms (Dahl and Boss, 2020; Kennedy et al., 2019).

How long does ambiguous loss last?

There is no single duration: the ambiguity itself may persist for a long time if the situation remains unexplained or the relationship continues to change. This does not mean that the intensity of suffering must remain the same. The goal of support may be to regain the ability to live despite incomplete answers, rather than to achieve definitive closure (Dahl and Boss, 2020).

Do you have to sever the bond to feel better?

There is no such obligation. Boss’s approach considers changing the way you maintain the relationship, not a single mandatory scenario. You can stay in touch and set different boundaries; in some situations, you may need more distance. Simply acknowledging the loss does not determine which decision will be right for you.

References:

• Boss, P. (2007). Ambiguous Loss Theory: Challenges for Scholars and Practitioners. Family Relations, 56(2), 105–111. DOI: 10.1111/j.1741-3729.2007.00444.x.

• Boss, P. (2016). The Context and Process of Theory Development: The Story of Ambiguous Loss. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 8(3), 269–286. DOI: 10.1111/jftr.12152.

• Dahl, C. M., & Boss, P. (2020). Ambiguous Loss: Theory-Based Guidelines for Therapy with Individuals, Families, and Communities. In The Handbook of Systemic Family Therapy. DOI: 10.1002/9781119438519.ch88.

• Kennedy, C., Deane, F. P., & Chan, A. Y. C. (2019). In limbo: A systematic review of psychological responses and coping among people with a missing loved one. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 75(9), 1544–1571. DOI: 10.1002/jclp.22799.

• Rodriguez Colmenares, N. A., Alvarez, L., Gilbreath, J., Markaki, A., Schexnayder, J., & Puga, F. (2026). Anticipatory grief among caregivers of people living with dementia: A scoping review. Palliative & Supportive Care, 24, e130. DOI: 10.1017/S1478951526102478.

• Solheim, C., Zaid, S., & Ballard, J. (2016). Ambiguous Loss Experienced by Transnational Mexican Immigrant Families. Family Process, 55(2), 338–353. DOI: 10.1111/famp.12130.