Spouses-to-be often complain that the thought of the upcoming ceremony makes them cranky. Trepidation and stress exacerbated by the chaos of wedding preparations are mixed with isolated worries about how they will cope in their new role and whether they are ready for such a serious step. What if this fear is so strong that it leads to a broken engagement? What if one is afraid of long-term relationships, and stepping onto the wedding woman’s bridal womanhood inspires paralyzing fear? Who is affected by gamophobia? Is it somehow possible to overcome the panicky fear of marriage?
Gamophobia – fear of marriage
Wedding is an important life event. Young people are aware of this and are increasingly delaying marriage. They want to make sure they have chosen the right partner, finish their education, stabilize their economic situation and plan everything carefully. Comparing today’s times to the 1980s of the twentieth century, a drastic decrease in marriages is striking – there are as many as twice as many.
Among those procrastinating about marriage, there are those who repeat: “It’s not for me. It’s too much of a hassle.”, “I’m terrified by all this.”, “I seem to want to, but something is stopping me.”. It turns out that in some cases the reason for such evasive answers is fear. He is the one who can effectively hold back the decision to marry, push to break the engagement or run away from the altar.
What is gamophobia?
Gamophobia is the fear of marriage, which can take different forms – from mild anxiety to a strong fear of marriage, paralyzing from creating a long-term relationship. A person who experiences such a disorder feels internally torn. On the one hand, he desires closeness and commitment, but fears serious commitments. She is afraid not only of the wedding ceremony and the utterance of the sacramental “I do” – anxiety is also caused in her by the vision of shouldering great responsibility, making an “irreversible” decision, and losing freedom and independence.
Gamophobia can manifest itself when: thinking about marriage, planning marriage, developing a long-term relationship, preparing for the wedding ceremony.
Marriage and fear of marriage in men
Although fear of marriage is primarily associated with women (perhaps due to movie scenes of running away from the altar), men also struggle with it. Panicky fear at the very thought of getting married translates in their case into postponing the decision to get married indefinitely. Despite many years of happy relationships, the man does not feel up to asking his partner to marry him. And when she begins to pressure him, he starts to withdraw and avoid talking frankly about his concerns.
Symptoms of gamophobia
Symptoms specific to gamophobia are:
- difficulty in maintaining long-term romantic relationships,
- avoiding or postponing decisions about living together and getting engaged,
- avoiding conversations about marriage or changing the topic as soon as it comes up for discussion,
- seeing marriage only as a source of frustration, personal problems, conflict and unpleasant emotions,
- avoiding situations that involve marriage (for example, attending weddings, meeting friends who are planning their wedding),
- fear of weddings and what is associated with them (reluctance to plan weddings, choose wedding rings, watch videos of loved ones’ ceremonies).
Physical symptoms of gamophobia
Gamophobia also manifests itself in the physical realm. The thought of marriage, bringing up the subject in conversation, and sometimes even the sight of wedding rings, cause unpleasant discomforts such as:
- nausea,
- dizziness,
- heart palpitations,
- hot flashes,
- dry mouth,
- excessive sweating,
- accelerated breathing,
- tightness or discomfort in the chest.
Facing gamophobia, we do not have to experience all the symptoms listed. Also, their severity is a very individual issue.
Can gamophobia manifest itself during marriage?
Although it is most often associated with anxiety before marriage, gamophobia can also manifest itself after marriage. Anxiety symptoms sometimes appear or worsen even when the marriage has been functioning for several years and there seems to be no basis for the anxiety.
Anxiety about a husband or wife, gamophobia during marriage includes the same physical and psychological symptoms that manifest themselves before marriage. This is a difficult situation for both the person facing the phobia and his partner. This is because it is hard to accept that someone we love and with whom we are already married is afraid to be married. The best thing to do then is to take the help of a specialist, who will help understand the causes of the fear and choose methods to reduce it.
The most important thing here is to realize that anxiety alone does not necessarily mean the end of marriage. A person suffering from gamophobia may love his partner very much and want to be with him long-term. However, she is frightened by responsibility, social demands and pressure (both external and internally imposed).
Causes of gamophobia
Gamophobia, or fear of marriage or commitment to a long-term relationship, can have a variety of causes. Here are some of the most commonly cited:
Negative past experiences. People who have had traumatic relationship experiences, such as parental divorce, infidelity or domestic violence, may fear repeating these situations in the future.
Fear of losing independence. Some people may fear that marriage will limit their freedom and independence, both emotionally and financially.
Lack of self-confidence. People with low self-esteem may fear that they will not be able to live up to the demands of being married, or that they do not deserve love and commitment.
Perfectionism. People with perfectionist tendencies may fear that their relationship will never be perfect, which can lead to avoidance of commitment.
Society and media influence. The media often portrays marriage in a negative way, which can affect individuals’ perceptions of the relationship. Negative stereotypes and stories can heighten commitment anxiety.
Uncertainty about the future. With economic uncertainty, changing social norms, and rapidly changing life circumstances, some individuals may fear the stability of a long-term relationship.
Personal values and beliefs. Some people may have philosophical or religious beliefs that make them see marriage in a negative light or as something that does not fit into their lifestyle.
The experiences of others. Observation of failed marriages among family and friends can lead to fears that a marriage is doomed to fail.
Can gamophobia have an origin in childhood?
If we have seen our parents’ failed marriages firsthand from a young age, we may grow up with an increasingly strong belief that relationships cannot be happy. Watching sudden outbursts of anger and prolonged conflicts makes us not associate marriage with security, joy and fulfillment. Instead, it looks to us more and more like a source of frustration.
In adulthood, we may defend ourselves by all means from going through similar difficulties. We don’t want to repeat our parents’ history and persist in a disappointing relationship. We don’t want to tire ourselves out by maintaining a relationship for years despite fading feelings and growing resentment. Nor do we want to regret past decisions or go through the stressful time of divorce. And we see one good way to not have to think about marital difficulties and feel anxiety – just don’t get married.
Fear of loss vs. gamophobia
At first glance, it may seem that gamophobia is a strong fear of marriage – and nothing more. However, it turns out that there are other fears hidden there. What exactly are they?
– fear of losing one’s identity – marriage seems to be an obstacle to remaining oneself, preserving one’s separateness, unique traits and interests,
– fear of blikeness – fear of being close and exposed. A person may see the relationship as something threatening,
– fear of losing independence – marriage appears as a restriction of freedom, giving up power over one’s life to another person and a total loss of control,
– fear of losing the idealized image of the relationship – fear of confronting changes that occur in the relationship over the years and shatter the idealized image of the relationship,
– fear of losing the other person – although it seems paradoxical, gamophobia can arise from the fear that the marriage will not be successful, will not stand the test of time and will end in divorce
How to deal with gamophobia?
Gamophobia can significantly impede functioning. Fortunately, it can be confronted and removed from one’s life for good. In the case of severe symptoms, specialized help will prove invaluable. The methods for lowering anxiety and managing tension outlined below are also helpful.
Assessing thoughts
Think:
- What is your first association with the word “marriage”?
- What associations come to your mind next?
- What emotions arise in you when you think about it?
Write down your thoughts and feelings on a piece of paper. Look at them and think about which of them are facts (relate to reality) and which are fears and assumptions.
Notice that fear feeds on black scenarios and unpleasant imaginings. Probably most of your thoughts have oscillated around assumptions, stereotypes and fears about marriage. If you disengaged from them and focused your attention on the facts, would the tension still remain so high in you?
Relaxed breathing
The purpose of this exercise is to control your own physiological reactions and reduce the anxiety you feel. Use it when you feel excessive tension in your body and notice symptoms of anxiety
- Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. If possible, make sure nothing disturbs you (go to an empty room, mute your phone, close the window or open it to adjust the ambient temperature).
- Take a few deeper breaths. Focus your attention on the air that enters your lungs and then slowly leaves them.
- Start breathing in through your nose and slowly count to five in your mind. Then hold your breath while counting down to seven (if this is too difficult at first, reduce the number to five). Slowly exhale with your mouth, again counting to five.
- Repeat this breathing cycle for about ten minutes.
Adjusting your breathing after just a few minutes brings relief. The body feels that it is safe and nothing is threatening it anymore.
Deep relaxation
Use this exercise to reduce the tension you feel in your body and remove anxiety. Perform it regularly and you will notice that you are more calm during the day. You can relax at any time – including in the evening to calm down before bed.
- Find a comfortable place where nothing will disturb you. This can be a comfortable chair, an exercise mat or a bed.
- Close your eyes and take a few deep, calm breaths. Take your time. Focus all your attention on your breathing. Notice how your chest slowly rises and then falls.
- Direct your attention to your feet. Feel them getting heavier and heavier and numb. They are in a deeper and deeper state of relaxation.
- Move your awareness to other parts of your legs – ankles, calves, knees, thighs. Then concentrate on the abdomen, chest and back. Finally, move to the hands, arms and shoulders, until finally your attention extends to the neck and head.
- Now that all your muscles are relaxed, imagine that each inhalation provides your body with relief. As you inhale, the relaxation and calmness spreads gently, reaching all parts of your body. As you exhale, on the other hand, you release unnecessary tension. Along with the air, all stress and worries escape.
Remain in a relaxed state for several minutes. Adjust this time to your needs. And when you feel ready to return to reality, take your time. Give yourself a moment to gently move your hands and feet. Later, start opening your eyes and look around you.
You can continue with your day. The blissful feeling of peace is with you and will help you get through the challenges you will face today.
Schemes that we find it hard to love through. Schemas are our deep beliefs that affect how we see ourselves, the world and other people. They are like glasses through which we view reality – they can be tinted by past experiences and completely change how we see our surroundings. These unconscious patterns of thinking and acting can lead to repeating the same mistakes in subsequent close relationships.
In order to learn to love without being constrained by patterns, a tremendous amount of work is required. First, we must become aware of their presence in our lives and think about where they came from. Then we can start working on transforming them. Only when changes take place in our patterns will we be able to open up to true intimacy. We will then recognize a love that is not limited by internal blockages.
Gamophobia treatment. Psychotherapy and breaking patterns in relationships.
Are you afraid of commitment? The thought of marriage gives you unpleasant shivers? Would you like to face your own fear and make it start to go away? Start uncovering your patterns and learn to overcome the fears that accompany you! Treating gamophobia in this way is really possible.
Schema therapy is particularly useful for working with deep-rooted patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving that can contribute to fear of commitment and marriage. Psychotherapy provides a safe and supportive space where deeply held beliefs can be accessed. The psychologist helps you look at the behavioral patterns that shape our romantic relationships and influence life decisions. The work focuses on identifying and understanding the patterns that hinder commitment to relationships and inhibit marriage. And above all, it focuses on gradually changing beliefs.
Regular work on schemas is the process by which you will overcome your fears and begin to look at building relationships in a different way. Remember that participation in psychotherapy is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, in order to decide to make an appointment, you need a willingness to change, determination and a desire to learn about your emotional needs.
Bibliography:
Central Statistical Office, (2023). Demographic Yearbook 2023, p. 181.
Travers, M. (2024). A Psychologist Demystifies ‘Gamophobia’- A Fear Of Marriage, Forbes.