Emotional deprivation pattern – loneliness and emotional pain

Schema therapy

Jeffrey Young’s schema psychotherapy was developed for patients who experience chronic psychological and interpersonal problems and when working on cognitive-behavioral protocols proves ineffective.

According to the schema therapy model, long-term mental health problems are associated with having maladaptive perceptions of self and others. The maladaptive, dysfunctional beliefs are rooted in negative experiences from early life. These mental representations are referred to as early maladaptive schemas.

Secure attachment

Attachment theory in psychotherapy is one of the most influential and widely researched concepts in the relationship field. This theory is the theoretical framework of Schema Therapy, aspects include: basic emotional needs, secure attachment, the role of early life experiences with caregivers, and coping responses to lack of realized needs.

What is a cognitive schema? Maladaptive schemas

A schema is a set of emotions, thoughts and behaviors that affect our lives and can lead to difficulties that arise in life. They are beliefs about ourselves, about our relationships with others and about the world around us. It is a general, pervasive pattern formed during childhood and adolescence, consisting of interrelated memories, emotions, cognitive content, bodily sensations and sensory impressions.

Dysfunctional or maladaptive schemas develop when children’s basic real emotional needs are not sufficiently met. Schemas are automatic and habitual, and we are usually unaware of how they affect our relationships, approach to work and other aspects of life. We may feel them as an essential part of ourselves, even if we recognize that they are problematic, we may feel helpless, in terms of changing them.

Features of a maladaptive pattern:

• a pervasive pattern, consisting of memories, emotions, cognitions and bodily sensations,
• significantly affects the perception of oneself and one’s relationships,
• developed in childhood or adolescence but most often developed and reinforced throughout life,
• dysfunctional, causing negative consequences and even psychological symptoms.

Emotional schema – coping strategies

There are three coping styles that enable children and adults to adapt in stressful environments and cope with unrealized needs.

1. Surrender to the schema (freezing)
2. Avoidance of situations that activate the schema (escape)
3. Overcompensation: fighting the schema (struggle)

All three forms at some stage of life are sometimes useful. For example, when a child hid in his room during an argument between his parents and drowned out the noise with music, this was the most beneficial strategy for dealing with conflicted parents. The child had to cut himself off in order to function in a house full of tension and resentment.

Unfortunately, in adulthood, certain learned strategies become more rigid and less adaptive. Faced with this, they often fit into our general pattern of behavior. Ultimately, coping strategies can sustain a pattern. In view of this, the acquisition of schema-breaking experiences does not occur. For example, in adulthood, I have an entrenched strategy of avoidance and jamming, which I acquired from the experience of having my parents quarrel. I have a belief that people are selfish and preoccupied only with themselves. In view of this, by avoiding entering into relationships in my adult life, I will never learn that there are people I can rely on and there are people who will be willing to listen to me. I don’t give myself the chance to start experiencing my relationships differently, to experience new emotional states and to finally start getting my needs met.

Emotional deprivation pattern – my needs are not important

Deprivation schema, is related to the belief that the felt desire to receive normal emotional support will not be met. It is a kind of expectation, a prediction that always comes true – others will not give us enough support, care, empathy and protection. In this pattern, the dominant feeling is isolation, loneliness, even if we have a circle of acquaintances, friends or are in a relationship. People with this schema have thoughts related to being unimportant, being inadequate, misunderstood and lonely. The dominant thoughts are: “I’m unimportant,” “insufficient,” “in the end I’m left alone with everything anyway,” or “no one really understands me,” “I can’t count on anyone.”

Emotional deprivation often takes three main forms:

• Deprivation of care: lack of attention, affection, warmth or companionship.
• Deprivation of empathy: lack of understanding, listening, self-disclosure or mutual sharing of feelings with others.
• Deprivation of protection: others will not give us strength or direction. Lack of help to build a sense of predictability and lack of guidance

Clinical picture of a person with a pattern of emotional deprivation

Beliefs about others

The identifying signal of a pattern of emotional deprivation, is the attitude towards others. It is a constant sense of disappointment and bitterness. Other people let you down, don’t listen, and are often focused only on themselves. You feel that you can’t rely on people, that they won’t give you the help and support you so desperately need.

The source of the pattern of emotional deprivation

People with a pattern of emotional deprivation in childhood experienced inadequate emotional support, lack of empathy, there was deprivation of needs. The family environment was cold, sometimes ambivalent . In the case of deprivation, the child received less caring care from the mother than the average. As emotional contact was insufficient, the child often had feelings of loneliness and emptiness. Emotional parentification can be a common experience, the child was in the role of emotional guardian of his own parent, protecting one parent. Often in the image of the family system functions an overly sensitive mother, seeing the helplessness of the mother, seeing all this, the child begins to relieve the mother. The father in such a system, is often invisible. He may, for example, work abroad or travel frequently, struggle with his mental and physical problems, e.g. the father drinks, the father is after a heart attack.

Sometimes this pattern can be difficult to grasp if one has not experienced extreme neglect. Then, in order to discover the state of deprivation, an exploration of the past is necessary to touch on less explicit experiences and unrealized needs. It is worth asking yourself questions – did I feel that my mother understood me? Did I feel loved by her? Was she warm and affectionate? Was I able to tell her what I felt?

Dangerous signals in a relationship

In the present, patterns can remain dormant until triggered by certain events or situations. A pattern of deprivation can be activated when you receive negative attention from a friend or partner, or experience a lack of sufficient interest from acquaintances. Activation of the schema can trigger a sudden surge of intense and confusing feelings that strongly shape perceptions, interpretations, feelings and behavior. In adulthood, the pattern of emotional deprivation is most often activated in relationships with other people. Find out how often the pattern is evident in your functioning.

• You don’t say what you need, and then feel angry when your needs are not met.
• You don’t say how you feel, at the same time feeling lonely.
• You don’t ask loved ones to meet your needs.
• You don’t allow yourself a moment of weakness so your partner can protect or advise you.
• You nurse old disputes and hold a lot of resentment inside you.
• You become demanding and full of anger.
• You distance yourself, emotionally isolating yourself from others.
• You accuse your partner of not trying hard enough.

How to change the pattern of deprivation ?

First of all, there is tremendous value in understanding your past experiences. People with a pattern of deprivation, are often unaware of difficult experiences, often invalidating themselves and their problems, saying: “others have it worse.” What happened was not your fault and you were not responsible for it. Notice and try to name your past experiences, what was missing, how did your child feel?

Monitor and catch your pattern in current relationships. Start breaking old patterns, open up to people who can listen, empathize, help. Start openly communicating what you want, what you need. People won’t always guess, not everyone can read between words. Share your experiences and desires. Love and commitment is an area you badly need. Avoid people who are judgmental and cold. You no longer need to deserve a moment of their attention and understanding.

If you are interested in curing your patterns make an appointment – pattern therapy.