Would you like to fix the whole world? Support anyone who is worse off? Are you unable to refuse help, even when you are already on the verge of exhaustion? Read what messiah syndrome is and how it affects your well-being. We’ll also show you what to do to get out of “rescuer mode.”
Rescuer syndrome – what is it?
Rescuer syndrome is also known as savior syndrome and messiah complex . Rescuer syndrome involves feeling the need to save others at all costs. People with rescuer syndrome try to bring help without regard to circumstances or the real needs of those they are trying to save.
If you are struggling with this syndrome, this attitude can be destructive, both to you and sometimes to those you are trying to save. While it is very noble to help, you should not overburden yourself. At some point you won’t be able to give, and then you won’t be able to help anyone anymore. Sometimes you can become so lost in saving others that you disregard their autonomy and the real desires of another person. Paradoxically, such support then turns out to be more harm than good.
Rescuer syndrome – symptoms
Rescuer’s syndrome is a pattern of behavior that can significantly affect our entire life. But how to recognize, cz applies to you? Below are the characteristic symptoms that may indicate its presence.
Symptoms of savior (rescuer) syndrome are:
- high empathy, high sensitivity, you feel a lot, you easily notice someone’s experiences or needs.
- Low self-esteem, you have been taught that you are important when you help, when you are useful. When you are not in action, you may feel useless, with a sense of low value.
- Chronic fatigue, self-sacrificing you lose a lot of energy, you forget about yourself and your own pleasures.
- Fear of rejection, you have a sense of guilt when you want to say no and put up a boundary
- low level of assertiveness, a lot of difficulty in saying “no”
- ignoring your own needs, thinking of others
- feeling a compulsion to help,
- difficulty communicating your needs and feelings, sometimes you may even have difficulty naming them,
- looking for situations, people who may need help,
- you have a belief that others are unable to cope without you,
- you have a strong sense of responsibility for the happiness and well-being of others,
- you experience a tremendous sense of guilt when you have to refuse to support someone.
What behaviors can you manifest when you struggle with savior syndrome?
The savior neglects his or her own health, emotions and needs, focusing solely on others. You want to help, even when it’s not necessary or when no one asks you to. Sometimes you even feel like you are imposing yourself – because you are unable to accept that someone consciously refuses to support you. Even though you give your best, you can’t maintain a healthy relationship. You are unable to establish boundaries or speak openly about your own needs.
Characteristic behaviors for a person with the rescuer syndrome
- you “attract” people in need – you unconsciously look for people around you who are struggling with various problems and may need support now,you often choose others at the expense of yourself,
- you are on constant alert –you feel you have to be on constant alert to help at all times, regardless of the circumstances,
- you constantly blame yourself – you take responsibility for all unfortunate events (even those over which you have not even the slightest control),
- youhave difficulty delegating tasks – you have thoughts that no one else will do the task so well, so it is better not to assign it to anyone and take care of everything yourself,
- you forget to relax – you fill your whole days with activities, without any space for relaxation,
- you “watch” over others – you constantly check how the other person is doing and whether they need anything.
Examples of lifeguard syndrome behavior
- Savior syndrome to friends
Basia’s friend called her on Sunday night. Sobbing into the receiver, she recounted that she had just separated from her partner. Despite the tense situation at work, she decided to beg her boss for an urgent leave of absence, and without hesitation drove 300 kilometers away to support her friend. For the next two days, she listened to her, analyzed the situation and suggested dozens of solutions. - Deliverer syndrome in a parent
Marta’s son began to have difficulties with math. There are more and more corrections in his exercise book with a red pen. Marta began to regularly do his homework for him – she believed that in this way she was helping him get better grades. She continued to bail him out in this way until the end of the school year. Marta’s son did not show her gratitude; he had become accustomed to his mother doing his homework for him. In the long run, Marta felt exhausted and angry with her child. - Lifeguard syndrome at work
Rose was always the first to volunteer to help. Even if she already had her hands full, she took over her co-workers’ tasks. Whenever someone had a problem, they came to her office and could count on her for help. She often felt overwhelmed, but couldn’t say no. She was afraid that after a few such situations, her colleagues would stop liking her. - Savior syndrome in a relationship
Veronica felt very affected by seeing her husband’s problems at work. Every day after returning home, she did everything to somehow make him feel better. When her beloved was fired, she helped him look for a new job and spent hours paging through ads on online portals. Although she was very tired, she did not want to stop. She felt that her partner would not be able to find as good an offer himself as she could – so she had to do it for him.
Where do people with lifeguard syndrome work?
Often people with the messiah syndrome direct their education so that they can help others professionally. So what fields of study do people with lifeguard syndrome choose on a daily basis? Psychology, pedagogy or medicine often become their life choices. They are also eager to volunteer and work where people in need are found.
This does not mean, of course, that every doctor or psychologist struggles with the rescuer syndrome. There are also people who simply feel a calling and do their work with passion without losing themselves in over-helping. It is also important to emphasize that a person with a messiah complex will not always choose this type of profession. You can work in different fields and still tend to take excessive responsibility for others.
I believe that being a “helper”, is always a full-time job, no matter what profession you work in. People struggling with the rescuer syndrome often also organize their time in their spare time in such a way as to help. It is very easy to find places, people, animals who are waiting for support and help. Sometimes, this can already be a kind of addiction, which is often reinforced by someone’s kind word or gesture of satisfaction.
Rescuer syndrome – causes
The roots of rescuer syndrome often go back to childhood. One of the causes is being raised in an environment where our worth depended on how much we were needed by others. Our parents showed interest in us when we met their needs and solved problems that arose. They did not give unconditional love and acceptance. We always had to “earn” affection and attention. Over time, we developed the belief that we were only important when we sacrificed for them. Later, in turn, we transferred this pattern to adult life, already always putting other people’s needs above our own.
Another reason for this state is low self-esteem. Wanting to feel important and needed, we put all our energy into helping others. Caring for others then becomes a form of proving our worth to us. We feel that this is the only way to win their approval and earn their love. We also believe that when we are irreplaceable to someone, our relationship is more stable. It’s like a vicious cycle: the more we sacrifice, the more the belief that our value depends on how much we are needed by the other person is reinforced.
Other causes of the rescuer syndrome are:
- excessive responsibility from an early age – you may have taken over the responsibilities of adults in childhood due to their absence or difficult family situations, among other things parentification,
- experience of emotional abuse and manipulation – destructive family relationships and toxic relationships may have led you to believe that meeting other people’s needs is the only way to avoid conflict and perhaps even punishment,
- avoidance of confronting one’s own difficulties – unconcentration on the problems of others then becomes a way to distract from one’s own,
- fear of rejection – the fear of being rejected or abandoned by your partner leads you to make excessive sacrifices to maintain the relationship.
Rescuer syndrome – consequences
Although hard to deal with, helping can devastate you. Rescuer’s syndrome leads to a number of problems that significantly hinder daily life.
You may suffer from a number of difficulties or perhaps you are already at risk? The most common problems are: professional burnout, deterioration of health, giving up on one’s own development (education, career, pursuing previously set goals), risk of developing mental disorders (depression, anxiety disorders), tendency to fall into addictions (for example, to stimulants, thanks to which “we are able to do more”).
What’s more, our help can also harm others. Imposing support often ends in relationship tensions and the emergence of conflicts. The people we try to help begin to depend on us. Our attitude shows them that they can’t handle anything and always need their “guardian angel” to rescue them from oppression and bail them out of decisions.
How does the messiah syndrome affect daily life?
The rescuer syndrome destroys us from the inside. We impose responsibility on ourselves and are often at everyone’s beck and call. When we want to save the world, we forget about ourselves and relegate our own needs, goals and dreams to the background. Although we give up our passions, leisure, professional development and social life, we often reproach ourselves anyway. It occurs to us that we still help “too little.”
The relentless pursuit of providing happiness for others leads to burnout, frustration and feelings of loneliness. All the while we are only giving something of ourselves and others are taking, this creates feelings of injustice. At some point, we may feel exploited – because when we need help at least once, we don’t have to get it at all. After all, just because we do everything for others over the years doesn’t mean that they will do the same for us.
How do we get out of the role of rescuer?
When we understand that we measure ourselves against the rescuer syndrome and start working on it, we will change our attitude toward helping. We will still be able to be a support – but it will no longer be at the expense of our well-being.
How to get out of the helper role:
- realize the severity of the problem – this is the first step that leads you toward implementing actions to help regain the balance between taking care of others and taking care of yourself,
- learn to set boundaries – develop the ability to say “no” and recognize when help is really needed and when it is unnecessary,
- learn to let go – although it’s hard to accept that not everything can be fixed by you and you can’t “save” everyone,
- take care of yourself – recognize your own needs and take care of your mental health so as to avoid overload and burnout,
- learn new skills – learn methods of coping with stress, principles of effective communication and maintaining satisfying relationships,
- search for yourself anew – after years of neglectingyourself, it’s worthwhile to look for passions, develop interests and discover activities that relax and give you pleasure.
Rescuer syndrome – cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy
Lifeguard Syndrome, although it has noble intentions at its core, can be psychologically devastating. What’s more, it’s difficult to deal with it yourself, because you act almost automatically, especially when someone needs help. Recognizing and dealing with the rescuer syndrome is challenging, but it is possible with specialized support. Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy will help you get to the root of the problem, identify your own beliefs and master healthier ways of coping.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) helps you learn the mechanisms behind the lifer syndrome and understand where they come from. During meetings with a therapist, you also learn how to change entrenched thought patterns and replace them with ones that serve you better. You modify unhealthy behaviors, learn new coping strategies and develop more useful new behaviors. You learn how to better manage your emotions and build sincere, trusting interpersonal relationships.
During therapy, we may focus on:
- identifying thoughts – looking for automatic thoughts that pop up in your head when we want to help someone,
- questioning, actively working with thoughts – finding evidence that not all our thoughts are true,
- substitution – transforming inadequate thoughts and beliefs into ones that are more realistic,
- assertiveness training – mastering new ways of communication that allow us to express our needs,
- exposure – gradually exposing yourself to situations you previously avoided (for example, refusing help, setting boundaries in a relationship),
- stress management – we will introduce effective methods to help you deal more easily with challenging situations (for example, when you want to communicate needs or refuse support).
Remember that the rescuer also needs to be able to save himself. Changing the way you live your life is possible. Caring for others and taking care of yourself do not have to exclude each other at all. You can provide support while meeting your own needs. You can have a conscious choice to take and be first in a situation, or to give and help others.