The word “addiction” immediately brings to mind associations with various substances. However, stimulants are not a necessary element – after all, in addition to alcoholism and drug addiction, after a longer thought we can think of shopaholism, Internet addiction or pathological gambling – examples of addiction to activities (behavioral addictions). Does the possibility of addiction to another person seem equally obvious to us?
It turns out that the occurrence of addiction to another person is a serious, though generally ignored, problem. Although in this case we are not dealing with a compulsively ingested toxic substance, this is no reason to trivialize the issue. After all, as with any other addiction, we experience negative consequences that impinge on our psychological well-being. What’s more, one person’s emotional dependence makes the relationship bring scant satisfaction to both parties, and it’s likely that it won’t stand the test of time. So what is emotional dependence on another person, how does it manifest itself and what can be done to deal with it?
Addiction to the other person – what does it mean?
We can become addicted to practically anything – obsession is able to develop on any activity, bringing us a perceptible change in mood. The ICD classification defines behavioral addiction syndrome as symptoms that develop after repeated repetition of certain activities. They include a strong need to replicate the behavior despite experiencing its harmful consequences, and the appearance of an abstinence syndrome if the behavior is stopped.
Such a definition can also be extended to the emotional sphere – the neurotransmitters secreted during the performance of various activities have a similar effect on us as psychoactive substances. A particular behavior is associated with experiencing pleasurable states, so we want to repeat them, and in this way we imperceptibly fall into a vicious circle that is difficult to break.
Addiction is a very strong word and is used to describe the intensity of the feeling someone has for another person. It’s a strong word because it means that this addicted person needs the other person to be happy. They need them in their life, they can’t live without them and are willing to do anything for them. Addiction can lead people to do things they wouldn’t normally do. An addicted person can become very involved and involved in relationships, compliant, out of touch with their basic needs, such as security, autonomy, acceptance
Emotional addiction – a destructive process
Addiction to the other person centers around the partner and the feelings aroused by them. Pleasure is aroused by having a specifically disturbed emotional bond with an important person. Most often this is a romantic partner, but one can also become addicted to a parent, child or friend. The interest in the other person is so exaggerated, leading to a feeling of compulsion to have him or her. As A. Giddens wrote, there is an “intoxication” here, a need to increase the “dose” and a loss of one’s Self. Emotions accompanying the relationship lead to the formation of a state identical to intoxication, and very quickly one notices the desire to increase and deepen contacts in order to keep the state of euphoria at an equal level. As the interaction intensifies, the sense of self-identity weakens and the fear of loss comes in, compared to abstinence hunger.
Symptoms of emotional addiction
Love addiction
The desire to enter into relationships and derive happiness from them is nothing alarming. What is alarming, however, is when we focus all our attention on love and no longer see beyond it. The conviction that life without a partner or partner loses any meaning makes us cling to relationships. We make our own happiness dependent on another person, and thus, after meeting someone new, we want to keep him or her with us at all costs. After one relationship ends, we don’t even give ourselves a moment’s rest and start searching for the next candidate as soon as possible. We desperately take every step to avoid having to function alone. We don’t want to find a person who meets our preferences and is trustworthy – we simply need an object of adoration, whom we will try to entangle in a toxic bond of disturbed love. In schema therapy, a very active schema is the abandonment schema, which sustains the destructive motive, the constant search for someone new, so as not to be left alone as a result.
Low self-esteem
Dependence on the other person in a relationship is generally combined with the manifestation of lowered self-esteem. We don’t feel good about ourselves and don’t think we can function well on our own and achieve success in various areas of life. Even if we do well at work, know how to make new friends, develop passions and make important decisions on our own, the ingrained belief that we will ultimately fail at anything and can’t cope continually pulls us down. We tell ourselves that the good things will only happen to us through a close relationship – it is the partner who will surround us with care, find good solutions, prevent wrong decisions. Only his words matter, they can appreciate, lift our spirits. By doing so, we begin to treat him as a ticket to security and self-confidence, and this attitude can contribute to a loss of self.
Idealization
In addition to seeing the other person as indispensable like oxygen, there is also idealization. We don’t want to see the partner as he or she really is, and we deny rational facts. In our head we have created an image of the smartest, infallible and flawless man. Stared at as if in a picture, we do not pay attention to inappropriate behavior, mistakes made, hurtful words. Loving to kill, we come at every beck and call to fulfill every whim without blinking an eye. We will grant heaven to such an ideal partner, as long as he doesn’t get bored with us and leave.
Downplaying our own needs
The dysfunctional nature of relationships contributes to overlooking one’s basic needs. We notoriously fail to meet them adequately, and sometimes we don’t even know how to recognize them. We are not abandoned by the belief that our needs are less important, and speaking about them aloud will be met with clear disapproval and accusations of selfishness. We wait for our partner to figure everything out on his own and take care of us properly. However, this doesn’t happen, which causes us growing frustration.
Taking away space
We try to be as close as feasible. We don’t consider the other party’s boundaries and don’t accept that sometimes they need a moment to themselves. We don’t like the fact that we can’t do everything together – if it were possible, we would entwine our chosen one like ivy, we want an exclusive partner. It’s worth realizing that we don’t own the other person exclusively and he has other spheres of life besides our relationship, and we shouldn’t reproach him for that. When he wants to go out somewhere alone or spend some time with friends, we get angry. We can try to call or send messages, making sure to keep track of where he is. If we don’t hear from him for a longer period of time, we become overwhelmed with anxiety, and our head writes less and less optimistic scenarios – is he having a great time, avoiding us, offended, or maybe cheating?
Losing oneself
Nurturing closeness, thinking about what we have in common and being willing to share some passions comes naturally in relationships. It gets unhealthy when, beyond shared interests and leisure activities, there is nothing left of our own. In an attempt to identify more strongly with a significant other, we want to prove to them how similar we are. In doing so, we forget about our own distinctiveness and independence, which is, after all, what makes us unique. We often forget about ourselves, constantly trying to be attentive and supportive of the other person. We think that if we give so much from ourselves, this close person will stay with us.
Seeing ourselves and the other half as one organism pushes us away from friends and hobbies. We lose part of ourselves, becoming more like our beloved – we only go where he wants and do only what he likes. We think that by presenting different opinions or doing other things, we will seem less interesting and less well-adjusted. So we consistently sacrifice our identity to make our chosen one happy, who paradoxically then begins to distance himself. When he met us, after all, he was interested in our individual qualities, and seeing that we are transforming ourselves into a copy of him, he feels confused. He stops seeing in us the person he fell in love with.
Fear of loss
We have managed to find someone with whom we feel comfortable. We hope to build a strong and intimate relationship. We care about our beloved – we want to nurture the feeling that has been created and face the adversities that arise together. However, the problem reveals itself when we admit that we are accompanied by a paralyzing fear of loss, and each day is inextricably linked with thinking about a possible breakup. The fear that the other person will find someone else leads to a deterioration of contacts, in which distrust and suspicion begin to play first fiddle. There are attempts to control and demand constant reassurances that the partner still loves us and his feelings have not diminished.
Addiction – the patterns underlying the distorted image of love
All of the above-mentioned characteristics characterize addiction to another person, but they will not manifest themselves in the same intensity in every addict. This is primarily due to different patterns of entering into relationships. This is because each of us has patterns that determine the degree of closeness we strive for and the distance we maintain. They also include beliefs about relationships, one’s own position in the relationship and expectations of the loved one. Patterns are nothing more than the ways we use by default. Guided by the pattern of obsessive love, we love the other person with an intensity that serves neither party in the relationship. We are not in control of the feeling, and by letting it control our behavior, we try to bring ourselves into an overly close, toxic relationship.
Dependence on another person or addiction can cause depression?
As a result of dependence on another person, daily functioning becomes much more difficult. For the time that the other person is not with us, we may have to deal with negative thoughts and lowered mood, which promotes the development of depressive states. The likelihood of them becoming more severe and relapsing more often is also increased. The self-esteem of addicts will often strongly decline, they have difficulty with their own self-reliance, and they may get lost in their own identity, no longer knowing who they really are.
It’s also worth noting that depression and emotional addiction can have a common basis. Indeed, in both cases, negative experiences such as limited parental attention, traumatic childhood experiences, a history of depressive and emotional disorders among close relatives, or having to go through major life changes play a huge role.
Test for dependence on another person
After learning about the definition and manifestations of addiction to another person, it is worth considering whether we are affected by this problem. To that end, here are seven questions that, while obviously not a binding diagnosis, can help determine whether our approach to love is healthy or out of rational control.
Give a “Yes” or “No” answer to the following questions:
- Do you feel that you cannot live without your partner or partner?
- When you don’t receive constant attention from your partner or partner, do you feel anxious and worried?
- When your partner or partner is not with you, do you feel anxious?
- Do you want to do most things with your loved one and have virtually no different interests or plans of your own?
- Do you try to control your partner or partner regularly (who he/she meets with, how he/she spends time)?
- Do you agree with the statement “partner or partner is my whole world”?
- Do you think you wouldn’t be able to cope without your partner or partner and wouldn’t be able to experience happiness without his or her presence in your life?
If most of the answers are yes, this may indicate dependence on the other person. If this is the case, it is especially good to seek professional psychological help and talk about the relationship area with a psychologist or psychotherapist – online psychotherapy.
Addiction to another person – treatment. How to recover from addiction?
Emotional dependence on a partner is destructive to us. We put gigantic pressure on our partner due to the expectations we place on him and show him that our entire “to be or not to be” depends on how he behaves. A relationship built on the basis of such an unequal relationship can be compared to a house erected on weak, unstable foundations – the structure can collapse in an instant and not even one part that can be salvaged will be left standing. Pushing the problem by repeating “that’s my nature,” “I love too much, but I can’t do less,” won’t make relationship difficulties resolve. The first step is to realize that making one’s own happiness dependent on one’s partner is disastrous for both us, him and the relationship we create together. So let’s openly admit to ourselves: “I am dependent on the other person.”
How to cure addiction
Psychotherapeutic help can play an important role in recovering from emotional addiction. Although the road to change is not easy, and the desired results will not appear after a single session, it is worth taking action and with small steps begin to move closer to the goal. Working with a psychotherapist is all about getting to the root of the problem and figuring out how best to affect patterns that have been perpetuated for years. Facing and working through difficult topics, changing one’s mindset and adopting new, more effective coping mechanisms help to look at the partner and the relationship from a completely different, previously unknown perspective. This opens a gateway leading to enjoying interpersonal relationships and building lasting romantic relationships, without the belief lingering in the back of our minds that only the other person can guarantee us a sense of fulfillment.
It’s also good to keep in mind the positive effects of having our partner benefit from psychotherapy. By actively involving him in the process, he will better understand the problem that the other party is facing and will be able to more effectively support the changes taking place.
Addiction, this is not true love, addictions must be fought. Dysfunctional pattern, can not provide you with the sustainability of the relationship. When the problem lies in the emotional sphere, therapy is a chance to get out on the straight and narrow. So don’t hesitate to come forward for help.