Depression is a disease that affects an increasing number of people. It is suffered by women who are struggling with the difficulties of everyday life: motherhood, problems at work or in marriage, loneliness and many other adversities. It can affect a young adult who has just entered so-called real life, as well as a mature woman who already has grandchildren. Men also get sick, mainly because of how the “real man” role model has been defined. In 2017, one million Poles suffered from depression. The number is growing every year. So every day we can come across people who need help. How can we make them feel better? What can we do for them?
Illness and depression. Everything you need to know
A person with depression may seek help or avoid it. It is difficult to tell at a glance who in our environment is ill. On a daily basis, such a person may be smiling, working and taking care of children. We don’t know what is going on in her head. We have no idea how much effort she makes to function normally. And finally: we don’t know how much she disintegrates inside herself when she is left alone with her thoughts.
So it’s worth knowing first the symptoms of depression that may appear in a sufferer. That way we’ll know what to prepare for and how to catch even subtle signs that someone close to us may need help.
Depression sufferer. Depression – symptoms
Criteria for symptoms of depression were developed according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Symptoms of depression can vary from person to person and the degree of the ailment. In order to diagnose depression, the following symptoms should be present on most days over at least two weeks and must not be the result of other medical or psychiatric causes. The most common symptoms of depression are :
- Mood symptoms
- Lowering of mood most of the time, almost every day.
- Feelings of sadness, hopelessness a sense of emptiness.
- Loss of interests and pleasures.
- Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all activities that normally gave pleasure.
- Lack of enthusiasm even for previously favorite activities.
- Somatic symptoms
- Weight loss or gain, unrelated to diet.
- Sleep disorders: insomnia or excessive sleepiness.
- Increased or decreased psychomotor activity.
- Fatigue or lack of energy.
- Psychomotor changes
- Psychomotor slowing or excessive agitation.
In addition, depression may be accompanied by:
- loss of self-esteem,
- worrying, trouble remembering and concentrating or making decisions
- suicidal thoughts and thoughts of death,
- psychosomatic pains.
It may be that any of these symptoms accompany your loved one, but he or she does not suffer from depression. However, if the symptoms persist for a long time, it is worth consulting a specialist. Depression should be treated; it cannot be gotten rid of in a short time. Pharmacotherapy may be indicated. It is worthwhile for the sufferer to see a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist to help him get back on track, and to support him throughout the recovery process. Before seeing a specialist, it is worth taking a test for depression – Beck depression scale
Depression – how to help a person with depression?
Sometimes it comes to mind to tell a person who is struggling with depression:
- “others have it worse”,
- “what kind of problems might you have?”
- “get a grip.”
- “if you wanted to, you would feel good”.
Avoid persuasion and discouragement: don’t try to convince that “everything will be fine” or that “she should be grateful for what she has.” This can only increase shame and guilt. Also avoid using phrases like “put aside your sorrows” or “you just need to enjoy life.”
Why don’t such methods work? Imagine saying the same words to a person who has a broken leg or the flu. Even if he really wants to feel good, he won’t change his condition just like that. The leg won’t knit back together just because someone told her to take the plunge.
Depression is an illness that needs treatment. Just because it doesn’t have such visible, physical symptoms as a fracture, for example, doesn’t mean we can downplay it. On the contrary, if a sick person hears such words, he will feel even worse. She may start thinking that she is a failure, nothing works out for her and she can’t even feel good…. So how to help a person suffering from depression to actually feel better?
Depressed person. How to help?
We notice that a person close to us is fading from sight. She becomes sadder and sadder, loses interest in the world around her, eats little, lacks appetite and sleeps poorly. How can we help her?
To begin with, it will be a good idea to simply ask if everything is okay. Sometimes such a person may be waiting for someone to take an interest in her. Do not criticize her well-being, it is important that we use supportive language, e.g. Do you want to talk? Do you need a hug? Do you need help?
If we see that a loved one is suffering more and more, we should suggest that she see a specialist. It is worth doing this gently, so as not to frighten or discourage her. She herself may not have noticed that she is behaving differently than before. Ideally, a loved one should agree with us and actually go to the doctor. However, we do not live in an ideal world, and such a person may also deny the disease and claim that he or she does not need help. What to do then?
How to help a person with depression who does not want help?
Getting a depressed person to get treatment if he doesn’t want any help is very difficult. However, it’s worth persuading the patient to seek treatment, as failure to address the problem can have negative consequences. Try to encourage the person to seek professional help. Try to learn as much as possible about depression, introduce the patient to the problem he is facing, increase the level of hope – present how can depression be fought? Remind that professional help is available and can be beneficial. Encourage them to consult a therapist or doctor who has experience in treating depression.
If we can persuade a loved one to visit, half the success is behind us. After that, we should make sure that the patient receives psychotherapy and takes medication. Without this, treatment will not work.
However, we should remember that we cannot force the patient to do anything. We can gently persuade, support and encourage, but let’s not impose coercion on him, as this can worsen his condition. By the way, it is worth noticing every sign, even the smallest one, of recovery, such as eating a larger portion of a meal, smiling spontaneously or going for a walk.
How to support a person with depression?
- Offer to talk. Encourage the ill person to talk openly and honestly about his or her feelings. Be patient and listen carefully. Avoid judging and focus on being supportive.
- Express understanding. Express empathy and understanding toward the person’s experiences. Say that you understand that it can be difficult and that you are here to help.
- Provide emotional support. Make it clear that you are willing to be and support. Show interest and concern.
- Be available. Facilitate contact and let them know that if your loved one needs to talk, you are there. Even a small gesture or word of encouragement can make a big difference.
- Encourage healthy habits. Remind them of the importance of a healthy lifestyle, such as regular physical activity, healthy eating and getting enough sleep. Also encourage people to avoid excessive social isolation.
How to help a person with depression remotely?
It is much more difficult to help a person with depression at a distance. Sometimes we can’t be close and we are only left with phone contact or through various types of communicators ( such as a long distance relationship). In this way, it is much harder to notice that something bad is going on (especially if we only exchange text messages). However, it is not impossible. As soon as we notice worrying signals, such as frequent references to death during message exchanges, let’s ask if everything is okay.
When a loved one suffers from depression and we don’t have the opportunity to be next to them, we can also help them. The best thing will be to offer to talk. Some people prefer phone calls, while others prefer to write messages. Let’s be open-minded and agree to the form our loved one prefers. But what if he or she refuses? This often happens. When suffering, we don’t feel like talking to anyone. In such a situation:
- assure that whenever the need arises, you are ready to talk,
- say that you care and will support in spite of everything,
- suggest a conversation in the future – eventually the moment will come when a depressed person will agree to it.
How to help a person with depression – the forum can bring the answer
It is also worthwhile to go to various forums that bring together loved ones of people who suffer from depression. Participants in anti-depression forums often know first-hand the symptoms, problems and adversities that sufferers face. They can share their experiences and how they have dealt with different situations. The forums read how they managed to get loved ones into treatment or therapy and how they help them on a daily basis.
Internet forums also have the advantage of a sense of community. We are not the only ones trying to help a loved one. We are not alone in this. This is very supportive and important, because in helping others, we often forget about ourselves.
When helping people with depression, also remember yourself
Often when helping others, we focus so much on them that we forget about ourselves. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we may also get sick in a while and need help from a specialist ourselves. Let’s remember that – just as in an airplane we first put the mask on ourselves and then on the child – we need to take care of our own mental comfort first, and then that of others.
Having to deal with the suffering of loved ones every day, we can feel exhaustion ourselves, which is called compassion fatigue. We deal with it when we feel physical and emotional exhaustion from helping or being around a depressed person. If we don’t take care of ourselves when we feel such fatigue, we may feel less and less empathy for the sick person.
How can we help ourselves when we feel compassion fatigue? We can do so in the following steps:
- Focusing on the breath (allows us to restore mental balance. It is important that it be mindful, deep breathing. Let’s focus only on it. We can try meditation);
- Regeneration (let’s take care of moments for rest, healthy sleep, time just for ourselves);
- Deciding how we want to help a loved one (it is impossible to do everything, including helping others. It is worth considering what we are able to do on a daily basis, and what is better entrusted to others);
- A break from problems (in our free time, let’s focus on relaxation and pleasure instead of adding to our problems, such as in the form of dramatic movies);
- Anchors of normalcy (let’s find activities that make us feel “normal,” as if a loved one is not suffering from depression, such as going out shopping on our own or meeting a friend);
- Choosing the people around us (spend time with people who support us);
- Self-compassion (we can’t help everyone and everything, even if we do everything we can. Therefore, it’s worth giving ourselves the right to be imperfect);
- Focusing on what we can influence (instead of getting upset about what we can’t change).
Whenever we feel we need help ourselves, let’s not be afraid to use it. Let’s not downplay our emotions.
Self-sacrifice pattern – how to avoid it?
Let’s also beware of falling into the trap called – the pattern of self-sacrifice. What is it? It’s a pattern according to which we focus all too much on helping others. We do this at the expense of our own needs. At the same time, we feel that we do it of our own free will. However, it is not necessarily the case that the person close to us wants this help.
Our motivations can vary, including:
- we do not want to be accused of selfishness,
- we want to spare our loved ones suffering,
- we feel we need to help to deserve the love and care of others
- we believe that we are responsible for others
- we think that “this is the right thing to do.”
The pattern of self-sacrifice is dangerous because we neglect our own emotions. What’s more: we may even think that our needs (as healthy people) are not as important as those of sick loved ones. In addition, we may also hear (whether really or prompted by our own thoughts) that loved ones simply can’t cope without our help.
The pattern can lead to over-responsibility and compassion fatigue, and even make the other person dependent on our help. Then we will find that without our sacrifice, this person really won’t be able to cope.
Excessive self-sacrifice can cause feelings of guilt when we take care of ourselves even for a moment. Often then, we lose the ability to talk about our needs to the point that our first response to anything may be “no.” In addition, a person who has fallen into a pattern of self-sacrifice may suffer from a variety of psychosomatic symptoms, i.e. abdominal pain, back pain, headaches, joint pain or gastrointestinal complaints, among others.
Helping a person with depression is important, but it is important to remember that you are not a therapist or mental health specialist. The responsibility lies with the professionals and the motivation of the person with the illness. Supporting a person with depression can be difficult and require a lot of energy. Don’t forget about your own well-being and needs. Take care of yourself and consult a professional if you feel the situation is beyond your capabilities – online psychotherapy.
Sources:
[1] https://pacjent.gov.pl/jak-zyc-z-choroba/kiedy-smutek-jest-choroba [accessed June 15, 2023]