Divorce is one of the most stressful as well as unfortunate events that can happen to a person. Every year, the number of divorces is increasing, and with it, the social acceptance of them. There is no regularity, couples divorce both after a few months of marriage and after several decades. Divorce can be compared to mourning, it has stages that must be passed in order to move on and start a new life.
Learn more, about the stages of life after divorce and how to start a new phase.
Where do divorces come from?
Statistically, it is women who more often decide to take this step. Mostly these are cases without an adjudication of guilt. The most common reasons for the breakup of marriages are:
- Marital infidelity.
- Differences of opinion.
- Morbid jealousy.
- Abuse of alcohol or drugs.
- Gaslighting
- Incompatible characters.
- Disagreement with the spouse’s family.
- Sexual mismatch.
- Prolonged absence of either spouse.
- Conflicts over finances.
- Housing problems.
As for the causes of divorce, psychology makes it clear that unwillingness to seek solutions to problems, and a lack of conversation, lead to divorce in a big way. Character incompatibility is a rather vague term. It can cover virtually anything. Very often it is about things that the couple is ashamed to say out loud. Many married couples avoid “dirty laundry” and take a divorce without an adjudication of guilt, justifying it by incompatibility of characters, because it is the easiest way. The breakup of a relationship is always a process that is not always easy to see.
Conflicts, associated with divorce
Conflicts related to divorce can be varied and affect many areas of life. Here are some common conflicts that often arise in the divorce process:
- Property division. One of the main areas of conflict is the division of assets, including real estate, savings, investments and personal property. Often partners disagree on who should receive what and at what value.
- Child custody. Child custody issues, including determining the time each parent spends with the children, health care, parenting and education, can lead to sharp conflicts.
- Child support. Determining child support or spousal support, especially when there is income inequality between former partners, can be a point of contention.
- Financial support. In addition to alimony, there may be a need to establish other forms of financial support, such as paying for health insurance or costs related to children’s education.
- Emotional issues. The emotional aspects of divorce, such as hurt feelings, jealousy, anger and spite, can lead to conflict even over issues that may seem minor at first glance.
- Change in living situation. For both adults and children, divorce often means a change in living situation, including where they live, school, work, etc. These changes can also lead to conflict.
- Sense of justice. Dissatisfaction with perceived injustice in the divorce process, such as in dividing property or determining child custody, can lead to long-term conflicts.
Resolving conflicts related to divorce often requires cooperation and compromise between the parties, sometimes involving mediators or attorneys. It is important to strive to resolve the dispute as constructively as possible, especially if children are involved.
Divorce of parents – how to help the child?
Parental divorce can be a difficult experience for a child and can affect his life in a variety of ways.
Preparing a child for his or her parents’ divorce is important to help him or her understand the changes that may occur, and to ease the potential stress and uncertainty that may accompany the experience. Here are some steps parents can take to help their child prepare for divorce:
- Open and honest communication. Talk to your child on his or her level and in a clear manner, adjusting for his or her age and maturity. Explain what divorce means, without blaming the child or hiding the reality. Make sure the child knows it’s not his fault and that both parents still love him.
- Provide stability, especially during the divorce. Follow a routine as much as possible to provide the child with a sense of stability during times of change. If there will be any changes in the child’s daily life, such as a change in school or residence, prepare the child for these changes and provide emotional support.
- Openness to questions. Encourage your child to ask questions and express his or her feelings. Be available to provide support and answer any questions he or she may have about the divorce.
- Avoiding conflicts. Follow polite and respectful communication with the other parent in the presence of the child. Avoid confrontation and criticism of each other in front of the child.
- External support. Considering outside support for the child in the form of family or individual therapy can be helpful, especially if the child is having difficulty coping with the changes associated with the divorce.
- Sustaining relationships. Encourage the child to maintain his or her relationship with both parents and ensure that time is spent with each parent. Make sure the child knows that both parents will continue to be available to him or her and will continue to be a part of his or her life.
- Provide support. Be a patient listener and supportive to the child. Allow him to express his feelings, and if he needs help, refer him to appropriate resources, such as a child psychologist or psychotherapist.
Preparing a child for a parent’s divorce requires empathy, understanding and concern on the part of the parents. It is important that the child feels loved, safe and supported throughout the process.
Psychological phases of divorce, how to survive divorce?
Remember that divorce at 45, 30 or 60, hurts just as much and is a difficult experience. The psychological stages after divorce are divided into 3 characteristic phases.
The first stage – this is the stage in which you realize that it makes no sense to continue in the marriage. This stage, is characterized by many negative emotions, such as impulsiveness, sadness, anger and grief. It usually involves a move by either of the former spouses. The whole process lasts from several months, even up to several years.
The second stage – is learning a new life, already without a spouse. You take on a role in it that you have not known until now. You meet new people you would not have met during your marriage. This is the time when you prove yourself in new, previously unknown situations. This phase lasts for up to several years.
Stage three – is a time of stabilization in a new situation. This is the period of dealing with the divorce. During this time, the meeting of the ex-spouse, should not cause great emotions, arguments, and the outpouring of grievances against each other.
7 stages of separation – how to survive a breakup?
The stages of separation associated with divorce definitely resemble the stages of experiencing grief. These are natural stages that virtually everyone experiences after losing a loved one. Remember that after divorce you have the right to go through each of these stages in your own way. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings, feel them as you need to. You can distinguish 7 stages of separation:
- Total disorganization
At this point you can’t believe what has happened. You realize that you can no longer undo previous events. At this stage, your emotions are bubbling and your mood is constantly fluctuating. You feel rage, and you dwell on the bad and good moments of the marriage. When friends who don’t know anything about what happened ask what’s going on with you. You don’t know what to answer. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone. Answer that you don’t want to talk about it. Clearly set the boundaries.
- Denial
Even though you realize it’s over, you can’t take the next step. At the moment, you feel that you are unable to continue without your partner. You are hopeful, hoping for some step from your ex-husband. You feel bewildered. The denial of the situation comes from the fact that your brain is somehow trying to cope with the traumatic event by denying what happened.
- Anger
You feel anger and rage over the divorce. You are frustrated and embittered. You blame yourself or your ex-husband for the divorce. You may also direct your anger and rage towards your environment. Remember that anger is not a bad emotion in this case. It will help you come clean and move on.
- Try to negotiate and influence decisions
This is the stage where you bargain with your ex-husband or yourself. You say to yourself, “After all, nothing like this happened, it can still be undone.” You have doubts about whether you are sure you got it right. You begin to promise yourself that all you have to do is make an effort, and it can still work. At this stage, you are able to agree to all the sacrifices, just to get back to the previous state.
- Depression
When it reaches you that what has happened is irreversible, there is a great sadness. It is associated both, with the loss of someone close to you, but also with a complete change in your previous life. This time is completely natural with loss. Allow yourself to experience sadness and mourn the loss. However, it may happen that this stage is dangerously prolonged. If you see over the weeks that you stop taking care of yourself, you don’t even have the strength for the simplest activities, this is a signal to ask for help. Depression after a breakup can become an illness that you will find difficult to cope with on your own.
- Acceptance
After going through all these stages, which are difficult in their own way, you are ready to come to terms with your divorce. This is the time when you begin to understand that your marriage has ended and there will be no going back to that time. This is also the time of forgiveness, you are already able to forgive the guilt of the divorce to yourself, and to your former partner.
- Hope
You learn from the whole situation. You learn from your experiences, your mistakes. This is the time when you stop fearing new close relationships. Life after a breakup is already less painful. You open yourself to new friendships, as well as to love. Your life begins to regain its colors, you begin to feel joy and happiness more often.
Everyone experiences these stages in their own time. Don’t try to artificially speed them up. And when the need arises, seek help from a psychologist as soon as possible, it’s nothing to be ashamed of!
How does a man cope after divorce?
The psyche of a man after divorce also needs time. Although you have the impression that the guy is doing very well, the truth may be quite different. A man after divorce often seemingly functions normally. He goes to work, meets with friends and even parties. However, all this is illusory and is not what it looks like at first glance. The man wears something like armor on himself. As is well known, the pressures of society force a man to be tough. A man, in order to keep up appearances, often suppresses his emotions within himself, which makes it difficult for him to go through the stages of grief naturally. A man after a divorce, tries to cope with his emotions in various ways, even reaching for stimulants or casual sex. If your ex-husband is seen out on the town with different women, it doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. This is his way of dealing with negative emotions. Sometimes a man turns to alcohol after a divorce in an attempt to drown out the pain, falling into addiction co-occurring with depressive states.
How does a woman experience divorce?
Sometimes a woman after divorce pretends to be a heroine who is able to cope with all adversities. Especially if she wants to provide support for her children. She often focuses on them, forgetting about herself. It also happens that, lonely, she burdens the children with her own sorrows. Remember that how you handle your divorce will affect how your children will handle it. Therefore, never forget about yourself. Fortunately, statistically, women are more likely than men to benefit from outside support. Which definitely works in their favor. They are not as ashamed as men, to reach out for psychological help. A woman after a divorce, often loses her sense of value, believes that she is unattractive, worthless and has no right to please men. Often contributing to this is the fact that a woman’s financial situation deteriorates after divorce. A woman often has a need to talk about her feelings, experiences and emotions, unlike a man.
It is impossible to clearly define who regrets divorce more, it depends on many factors and reasons for separation. Psychological help after divorce, is often needed for both the woman and the man.
Life after divorce, open to new experiences
Remember that you have already gone through the worst and it can only get better. The time after divorce, is a period in which you should focus on yourself and your needs. Starting a new life after divorce takes time and openness to change. It is important that you allow yourself to go through the process at your own pace and take the steps that will best suit your needs and life goals.
Make small changes
Don’t start with radical changes that will challenge you. Introduce something new into your life gradually. It could be a weekly coffee meeting with a friend, or even your morning gymnastics. Don’t have the motivation to start walking? Think about getting a dog. This is a good time to change something in your immediate environment. Maybe it’s time for a new wall color in your apartment?
Open yourself to new acquaintances
This is the time when you can develop your social life. Perhaps there was no room for this during your marriage for various reasons. Consider whether you can rebuild lost friendships, or maybe this is the time to meet new people? It may always turn out that you will meet someone who will turn your head, even though you don’t even consider it.
Develop yourself, be active
If you were already active during your marriage, it will certainly be easier for you. If not, there will always be time, for that first step. Whether it’s a trip, a dance course or going to a museum with a friend. It’s worth considering that no matter how old you are, it’s not too late to start developing your passions. Especially if you have been focused on your husband and children throughout your marriage. This is your time, do something for yourself.
Set goals
Think about what goals you want to achieve in your new stage of life. It could be personal development, career, passions or interpersonal relationships. Identifying your goals can help you focus on the future and build motivation.
Take care of yourself
When was the last time you had a blood test? And when did you get a dental check-up? Take care of your health, no one will do it for you. Change your diet, take up physical activity. A healthy body is a healthy mind. Invest in your own health, it will definitely pay off.
Invest in yourself
Focus on your personal and emotional development. This could include reading, learning new skills, developing hobbies, upgrading your professional skills or taking care of your physical health.
Open yourself up to new experiences
Step outside your comfort zone and open yourself to new opportunities. Try new things, travel, meet new people. This can help you discover new passions and interests and build a sense of fulfillment.
Find a new hobby or passion
Look for new activities that bring you joy and satisfaction. It could be something you’ve never tried before, or a return to passions you neglected during your marriage.
You don’t have to always cope – Therapy after divorce
There are also times when the emotions that accompany your divorce are too strong. You can’t cope with them, you don’t know what to do next. You can’t function independently, you don’t have the strength to work, go shopping, take care of your children. Support from those close to you is no longer enough.
Do not reach for psychological help only when you suspect depression in yourself. Undertaking psychotherapy will help you cope with the loss better and faster. It will help you work through your emotions. It can also make you realize what might have contributed to the breakup of your marriage, so that you don’t make such mistakes again.
Cognitive-behavioraltherapy, helps you deal with low self-esteem, lack of confidence and sadness. It focuses especially on problems that are in the here and now, however, it is not uncommon to address topics that are related to the past. When experiencing a loss, it is useful to understand your pattern of entering into relationships and learn about its sources. Then increase the pool of new behaviors so as not to repeat old behaviors and stop vicious circles.
Summary
Divorce is a traumatic event but also an opportunity for new moments, thoughts and emotions. Life after divorce, consists of many stages that you have to go through in order to move on. Allow yourself to experience all the negative emotions, you have the right to do so. Sadness after divorce is completely normal, allow yourself to experience it in your own way and do not hesitate to ask for help. It is not easy to find the meaning of life after divorce be patient, give yourself time.
Don’t forget about loved ones who want to give you support. When you feel that your difficulties are getting worse, seek help fromprofessionals. Remember that your life does not end with a failed marriage. A new phase of your life is just beginning, and it’s up to you to decide what to do about it. Your value doesn’t depend on whether you are in a marriage, it depends on what kind of person you are.