Separation is one of the most painful experiences in life. Whether you are a man or a woman, whether you are the one who ended the relationship or was abandoned. The time after a breakup is full of emotions, doubts and challenges. As an experienced psychotherapist, I often encounter the question:“Should I/should I keep in touch with my former partner?”. In response to this question, I would like to introduce you to the principle of three months of silence after a breakup and explain why I think it is worth considering even a longer period of no contact.
What is the 3-month silence rule after a breakup?
The 3-month silence rule is a rule that implies that after a breakup, it is advisable to maintain a complete lack of contact with your former partner for at least three months. Why exactly a period of three months? Psychological research shows that such a period is optimal to allow our brain and heart to slowly but effectively get used to the idea of a former partner as a person who is no longer part of our daily lives. During this time, we can take stock of our relationship, understand what happened and what we can change in the future. The purpose of this principle is to give ourselves time to emotionally and mentally separate from the former relationship, work through our feelings and begin the process of healing our wounds.
This means:
- No phone calls.
- No text messages.
- No contact on social media.
- Avoiding places where we might meet an ex-partner.
90 days or maybe a complete break of contact?
Whether we are the person initiating the breakup, or we ourselves have been abandoned, confronting our new single life is extremely difficult. Our mind and emotions demand answers to the questions that keep us up at night –“Why did this happen?”, “Can we still salvage this?” or “How do we put our lives together now?”. In this situation, the natural reaction is the need to keep in touch with the former partner, in the hope of clarifying doubts or simply prolonging the relationship. However, experience shows that such a step rarely brings the expected results. On the contrary, maintaining contact too early in practice means suffering, can delay the healing process and pradoxically increase loneliness.
As a therapist, I often encourage my patients to consider even a longer period without contact – 6 months or even a year. Why? Here are a few reasons:
A deeper understanding of yourself. In search of understanding your own needs
A longer period without contact gives us the opportunity to look deeper into ourselves and understand our own needs. Often in a relationship we lose part of our identity, and longer time alone allows us to rediscover who we are and what we really want from life. It also helps to find distance and a healthy approach to what has happened
To work through emotions more fully
Three months is often too short a time to fully work through all the emotions associated with a breakup. Especially in longer relationships, the stages of loss can take much longer. We can be helped in the healing process by loved ones we trust.
Avoiding the trap of “friendly” relationships
Many people, especially the “post-breakup guy,” try to maintain a friendly relationship with an ex-partner. However, this is often a trap that makes it difficult to truly end the relationship and start a new chapter in life.
Time for personal development
A longer period without contact is a great opportunity to focus on yourself, your passions and your goals. It’s a time when we can invest in ourselves, develop new skills and build a stronger, more independent version of ourselves.
How can keeping in touch after a breakup affect you?
I often meet with patients who wonder why the “ex/ex” wants to keep in touch. The reasons can range from guilt, to hope for a return, to simple convenience. But regardless of the reasons, maintaining contact after a breakup can have a negative impact on the process of experiencing the loss:
- Prolongs the emotional pain of the end of the relationship.
- Makes it more difficult to accept the end of the relationship.
- Can lead to re-injury.
- Delays the process of moving on with life.
Man after breakup – specific challenges
It is worth noting the specific challenges a man faces after a breakup. Societal expectations often make men feel pressure to quickly “take the plunge” and not show weakness. This can lead to:
- Suppressing emotions.
- Avoiding psychological support.
- Engaging in risky behavior as a way to cope with pain.
That’s why it’s so important for men to also give themselves time and space to experience relationship grief and work through their emotions.
How to survive the no-contact period?
Lack of contact can be difficult, especially at first. Here are some strategies that can help:
- Focus on self-development.
- Practice mindfulness and meditation.
- Surround yourself with supportive people.
- Engage in new hobbies or passions.
- Consider therapy to work through difficult emotions
When can you consider reconnecting?
The decision to reconnect with an ex-partner after a period of separation should be well thought out and made with consideration of the individual situation and the emotional state of both parties.
Consider reconnecting with your former partner when:
- Enough time has passed – at least 3 months is a good starting point, but some people may need more time. It is important to feel that you have already “stood your ground” and are ready to talk calmly. You are aware that the misunderstandings are behind you, and that the meeting will not bring further suffering
- You have already worked through the negative emotions – anger, grief, longing are natural feelings after a breakup, but to think about contact with your former partner, we should reach a state of emotional balance.
- You have pure intentions – contact should not serve to fester wounds or create guilt. Both parties are ready to cooperate. Think honestly about whether you are driven by sincere motives or rather a desire to return to the past.
- Are you able to accept the new reality – re-contact only makes sense if you accept the fact that our relationship has ended and you are now simply friends or acquaintances to each other.
- There are objective reasons for contact – sometimes, despite the sincerest intentions, it is impossible to avoid contact with an ex-partner sooner than three months after the breakup. This is the case, for example, when we need to discuss issues of shared financial obligations, matters related to the division of property or custody of joint children. In such situations, try to limit conversations to only the minimum necessary and maintain a matter-of-fact, calm tone.
Remember that re-contact is not always advisable and will not bring positive results in every situation. If the breakup was particularly painful or occurred in an atmosphere of conflict, it is better to give yourself more time and not rush to reach out for agreement.
In some situations, especially if the relationship was destructive to you, breaking contact completely will be the most appropriate behavior.
Summary
The 3-month rule of silence after a breakup is a good tool in the process of healing the wounds of an ended relationship. However, as a therapist, I often encourage you to consider even a longer period of no contact. Remember that every situation is different, and the time it takes to work through a breakup can vary depending on individual circumstances.
If you are going through a difficult time after a breakup, remember that you are not alone. Professional help can be invaluable in the process of healing and discovering a new, stronger version of yourself – online psychotherapy
I invite you to contact me if you feel you need support during this difficult time. Remember that you deserve love, happiness and fulfillment. Sometimes it takes time and space to find that. Be patient with yourself and give yourself plenty of time.