From the very beginning of our lives, we need to interact with other people, and although our needs and priorities change over the years, relationships with loved ones still play an important role. In childhood, our parents played first fiddle for us, as we grew up, friendships became more important, until finally we began to enter into relationships of a romantic nature and start our own families. It would seem that with a partner by our side, we can’t complain about loneliness – after all, we are together, we haven’t split up and gone to two different parts of the world. However, it may turn out that being together does not exclude feelings of loneliness at all. Find out what loneliness in a relationship is, where it comes from and how it can be dealt with ?
Loneliness in a relationship – to be together and yet separate…
When we enter into a romantic relationship, we may think that we will never have to face the feeling of abandonment again. We have finally found our other half, with whom we share passions and spend our free time – “no more loneliness” is the happy message that pops into our heads. But are we sure?
Loneliness in a relationship is a phenomenon that quite a large number of people face. Statistically, women are more likely to experience loneliness, but this does not mean that men do not suffer from it. It can affect us both at the beginning of a partnership relationship and after many years of marriage together, living under the same roof and staying with each other every day. Despite the close presence of the other person, we feel lonely, misunderstood and deprived of interest. This reflects on our mood and functioning in various spheres.
The causes of loneliness in a relationship?
When we are getting worse and the relationship no longer meets our emotional needs, we may wonder: “Why do I feel lonely in a relationship?”. There can be many reasons – as with various phenomena, there is not just one factor here. Loneliness in a relationship can have a variety of negative effects on both the emotional and physical levels. The occurrence of loneliness is most often led by:
A sense of loneliness – boredom with routine
Falling into the depths of routine can be a reason that significantly reduces relationship satisfaction. It transforms a once flamboyant affectionate couple into two people repeating the usual gestures from the off. One realizes that every day looks almost identical and there is no room for tenderness or deeper conversations. Overwhelming reality, life in a hurry and a long list of responsibilities encourage us to move away from each other and neglect our time together. We no longer cut off chats and share each other’s thoughts, but instead throw in a hurried “do the shopping,” “walk the dog,” “pick up the package.” Moments just the two of us, exchanging compliments and tenderness are a thing of the past and only a vague memory remains. If routine has settled in the relationship for good, each partner fences himself off with an invisible wall and focuses on his own affairs. Although both are right next to each other, the couple begins to live separately.
Welcoming a new family member into the world – loneliness in marriage
The arrival of a child in the world is a major event and a landmark change in the couple’s life. The hitherto stable life completely changes and suddenly there are a number of responsibilities and sacrifices. It may happen that the new situation exceeds the capabilities of the newlywed parents. It is then easy to be neglected by the partner and pushed into the background. We then lose ourselves in a whirlpool of responsibilities and run away from strengthening the bond between us. Mothers often completely shift all their attention to the child and start thinking only about care and upbringing. In doing so, they spurn their partner, who gradually stops taking the initiative, seeing that any of his proposals for sincere conversation or spending time are dismissed with a flourish. The partner himself then tends to run off to work and prefers to sit in the office, taking more overtime, rather than return home with a deteriorating atmosphere.
Adult children moving out
Not only the birth, but also the “flying out of the nest” of the kids can take a toll on the parents’ bond. When children grow up, become independent and decide to leave the family home, the empty nest syndrome can appear. Partners again have to learn how to live just the two of them, which, after many years of raising the younger generation, often proves to be a real challenge. Adapting to the new situation does not always come easily and can sometimes cause loneliness, through which we feel loneliness in a relationship after 40.
Lack of readiness for a relationship
It happens that a person who is not ready to form a close relationship decides to enter a relationship. If one of the parties is not convinced from the very beginning whether starting a romantic relationship was the right step for him, he tends to make little commitment. She shows indifference, distances herself and remains cool. Perhaps she waits for something else to appear, and treats the current relationship as less significant – being just a way to kill time.
Different ideas about the relationship
We may expect something completely different from a relationship from our partner. This is because two people do not always have the same beliefs about how life together should be. For example, for us it is normal to spend time together and even every free moment together, and we do not understand why our beloved sometimes prefers to lock himself in a room or go for a walk alone. Because of the fact that two parties understand being in a relationship differently, misunderstanding and tension is born.
Staying in a long-distance relationship – single in a relationship
The distance separating us and our partner is conducive to a sense of loneliness getting to us. A loved one is with us for holidays and participates in our lives occasionally – he or she cannot be next to us when important events, both positive and negative, are happening. Even if we try to maintain regular communication using modern technology, we realize that a virtual conversation is not the same as a walk together. Loneliness in a long-distance relationship can be particularly distressing , because despite being in a relationship, we are not part of the other half’s daily life.
The relentless pursuit of abundance…. and the feeling of loneliness
Sometimes the constant chasing of more achievements is responsible for loneliness in a relationship. When we fall into the trap of endless work, we try to explain to ourselves that this is only a temporary condition – once we achieve our goals, we will focus on our family and find more time for them. However, this is illusory thinking, as the appetite grows as we eat. As our earnings increase, so do our ambitions, and we don’t know how to say to ourselves, “enough.” After all, you can do more, better, faster. The desire to improve one’s financial situation is, of course, in itself nothing bad, but it translates into additional responsibilities, taking overtime or participating in long business trips. Losing ourselves in work is a simple recipe for pushing our partner away and forgetting our needs – both our own and his. We stop showing affection to each other and noticing the little things in everyday life – all that matters is career and money.
Lack of work on the relationship
A relationship is a part of our life that needs to be worked on. If we think that things will always be the same and nothing needs to change, the emotional bond will weaken over time. Even if things were going well in the beginning, at some point misunderstandings and divisions will arise. Lack of concern for one’s relationship and not expressing a desire to fix the less well-functioning aspects of the relationship together make one feel misunderstood. The partner’s lack of interest in building a strong and healthy relationship can lead to an acute sense of loneliness in the marriage and a feeling of being pushed into the background.
Poor communication
Significantly linked to the previous reason is the inability to communicate that not everything is fine. If some behavior worries us, we feel overwhelmed, or we see that the relationship has deteriorated recently, it would be worthwhile to sit down and have a frank conversation. We can’t count on our partner to miraculously figure out what’s wrong with us and fix it themselves. Communicating our needs, concerns and plans is a particularly important element that plays a significant role in the functioning of a relationship. Inadequate communication is an aspect that widely affects the deterioration of perceived satisfaction. A problem with expressing true thoughts can be experienced by just one party or both people in a relationship.
Loneliness in a relationship – symptoms
Lack of fulfillment
When we are lonely in a relationship, we notice that the relationship does not meet our expectations and does not give us the sense of stability we wanted. We see that we can’t fulfill ourselves through it and become better versions of ourselves.Sometimes, despite spending time together, we may feel that we speak different languages and our feelings are not noticed by our partner. The subsequent days of being in a relationship do not make us happier – quite the opposite. We are accompanied by frustration, dissatisfaction and disappointment.
A sense of rejection
Loneliness is combined with the feeling that the partner is not interested in us and we do not mean as much to him as we used to. We feel rejected and marginalized – unimportant and overlooked. The beloved person with whom we form a relationship does not give us the feeling that we are the most important in his life and that he counts with our opinion. We wonder if our partner still loves us and is interested in anything related to us.
Weakening of the bond
Loneliness in a relationship also manifests itself in fewer interactions with each other. Often these are reduced to succinct and throwaway messages. This does not mean that there must be arguments – the couple often speaks to each other in a cultured manner, without biting taunts or pointing out mistakes.
Showing affection for each other becomes sporadic or disappears altogether, and sex life deteriorates. We don’t feel like spending free time with our partner, and although we live side by side every day, not with each other. There is a lack of closeness – hugging together, kissing, showing affection, exchanging views and giving each other understanding.
When a partner seeks happiness in other spheres of life
Often, as single people in a relationship, we try to find happiness in other areas of life. This can manifest itself in escaping into work, devoting all our free time to hobbies or spending time with family and friends. When our partner doesn’t give us the attention we deserve, e.g. is focused on making a career, we try to get it from relatives and friends, and with conversations with them we try to compensate for our other half’s negligible interest. Some people’ s sense of loneliness also pushes them toward infidelity or thoughts of it.
Loneliness and self-esteem
Long-term feelings of isolation and emptiness can have a profound effect on our self-esteem and self-worth. Studies show that the relationship between loneliness and self-esteem is bidirectional and can create a vicious cycle of negative emotions and behaviors.
Mechanisms for the impact of loneliness on self-esteem
- Lack of positive feedback: loneliness limits opportunities to receive positive feedback from others, which is crucial for building and maintaining positive self-esteem.
- Negative cognitive distortions: lonely people tend to interpret social situations in a more negative way, which can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- Stress and consequences of loneliness: prolonged loneliness can lead to chronic stress, which negatively affects mental and physical health, including self-esteem.
The impact of loneliness on self-esteem in different age groups
Children and adolescents: in young people, loneliness can lead to lowered self-esteem, as shown in a study by Vanhalst et al. (2013). The authors found that loneliness in the teenage years predicted lower self-esteem in later years. This is particularly significant, as the adolescent period is crucial for the formation of identity and self-image.
Adults: for adults, prolonged loneliness can lead to negative perceptions of themselves and their social skills. A study by Cacioppo et al. (2006) found that lonely adults tend to view social interactions as more negative, which in turn can lead to further isolation and lower self-esteem.
Older adults: in seniors, loneliness can have a particularly destructive effect on self-esteem. A study by Aylaz et al. (2012) found a strong correlation between feelings of loneliness and depression and low self-esteem in older adults. This underscores the importance of maintaining social ties in later life.
Feeling lonely in a relationship – how to cope with loneliness?
Feeling lonely in a relationship is quite a problem that is not worth underestimating. It is a source of reduced well-being and worse daily functioning, which will not disappear on its own. People in a relationship no longer talk to each other, they have no topics to talk about, intimacy and passion end, they distance themselves from each other and the end of the relationship becomes inevitable. So what to do? How to overcome loneliness in a relationship? How to resolve the crisis?
Of course, overcoming loneliness in a relationship is a long-term process. To begin with, it’s a good idea to consider how long the problem has been going on and whether it has been escalating recently. Perhaps we can also see what causes have led to this state of affairs. It’s a good idea to share your reflections with your partner: set aside some time, sit in peace, stop and externalize your thoughts. Although it’s not easy, communicating our needs is essential for the other party to understand what we expect of them. If we have so far hidden the fact that we find the relationship less satisfying and have been unwilling to share our feelings, the partner may not realize the extent of our loneliness. Sharing together raises the possibility that solutions can be worked out to help bring us back together. Some of these, however, may need to be planned in advance and may be difficult to implement (moving, changing jobs, moving in together).
In some situations, a breakup becomes inevitable, especially if either partner was not yet ready for a serious relationship. After all, without mutual willingness and commitment, we will not see any real results. In many cases, however, it is possible to work on improving life together and rebuilding the relationship. When two people place a high value on nurturing their relationship and improving their communication with each other, they will be able to better understand each other’s needs and try to resolve problem situations right away, before they grow to skyrocket.
Going through such a difficult phenomenon as loneliness in a relationship is a time when it is good to turn to a specialist. Going for psychological help is a good step when you feel overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. Therapy is also especially recommended when the ground of loneliness in the relationship is our beliefs and inability to clearly communicate expectations. The specialist helps to visualize the existing problem and realize the erroneous patterns of behavior brought up from the past. Action is then implemented to transform negative attitudes and eliminate undesirable behavior. Gradually observed change is the gateway to regaining happiness in the relationship and long-term maintenance of such a state. A psychotherapist can be approached at any age, regardless of the seniority of the relationship – if there is a problem, it is worth acting.
You don’t have to face loneliness in a relationship forever! Don’t be afraid to come forward for help and start changing for the better. Make an appointment for the first time – online psychotherapy.