Do you feel that you are not good enough? Do you compare yourself to others and always come off as inferior to them? Low self-esteem manifests itself in various aspects of our lives – from interpersonal relationships to everyday responsibilities. It can manifest itself as excessive self-criticism, difficulties in assertiveness or a lack of self-rewarding skills.

Find out where low self-esteem comes from and learn effective ways to work on boosting our self-confidence.

What is low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem is a state in which we do not believe in ourselves. We don’t appreciate our own abilities, we don’t recognize successes – and we don’t feel good about ourselves. All because we have a negative image of ourselves and our abilities in our minds. We think we always perform worse than others, we are less attractive and less competent – and this is true even when everything around us shows otherwise. We can break records in sports, be employee of the month, graduate with honors, but we will continue to think that we suck.

Meanwhile, our self-esteem has an impact:

• how high our motivation for action is,
• how we approach the challenges ahead of us,
• what attitude we will adopt in relationships with other people,
• what we will expect from relationships,
• how we will shape our academic and educational path,
• how we will treat ourselves.

Low self-esteem. Low self-esteem – symptoms

The most commonly cited symptoms of low self-esteem include:

• excessive self-criticism (seeing only mistakes, flaws and difficulties),
• avoidance of new challenges for fear of not being able to cope with them,
• expecting to fail, fear of failure,
• feeling of being worthless,
• difficulties in expressing one’s needs,
• difficulties in establishing relationships,
• a belief that the future will no longer bring anything good,
• problems with building deep and trusting relationships.

Low self-esteem – causes

The causes of low self-esteem are complex. Some of them can be traced back to early childhood, and some to later life experiences. The most common are:

Childhood experiences

What messages we received from our parents have a huge impact on building self-esteem. Unjustified criticism, constant comparison with others and lack of emotional support have a very strong impact on a child’s forming psyche. They leave a mark on it that does not fade with adolescence.

Experienced failures

Painful disappointments, unexpected failures, rejection and ridicule from other people can undermine our self-confidence. It is worth noting here, however, that experiencing failure alone is not automatically associated with a lowering of self-esteem. This happens when we tend to judge our self-worth by our achievements and do not give ourselves room for mistakes.

The occurrence of psychological problems

Depression, social phobia, neurosis, anxiety disorders or personality disorders are reflected in our self-esteem and the beliefs we develop about ourselves. Low self-esteem is then often one of the factors sustaining the disorder.

Comparing ourselves to others

If we very often compare our appearance, behavior, achievements and life situation to others (most often family, friends and people we treat as role models), we may succumb to the belief that others are always better off. Often the reason for such a conclusion is incomplete knowledge of other people’s lives (for example, we may think that our neighbor has an ideal financial situation, while he spends his sleep on unpaid interest). We notice the successes of others, but never our own – quite the opposite, however, is true of failures.

Sense of low value and decision-making

People with high self-esteem believe in their own abilities. When they encounter difficulties on their way, they face them. They persistently pursue their goals and tell themselves repeatedly that they can do it. Low self-esteem, on the other hand, acts as a brake. Uncertainty about one’s own abilities and dissatisfaction with oneself block one from undertaking new activities and committing to achieving goals. Seeing an attractive job ad or receiving an opportunity to go on a dream internship, there is a high likelihood that we will back out – because we don’t believe we deserve it. A person with low self-esteem may see such situations as a threat, an invitation to his or her own failure.

Low self-esteem – a test

Below you will find a short self-esteem test. Remember that this is not a professional diagnostic tool – consider it more as a guideline.

Answer the following questions:

1. I am able to perform various duties as well as other people. YES/NO
2. I see reasons to be proud of myself. YES/NO
3. I have a positive attitude towards myself. YES/NO
4. I am able to say no to others. YES/NO
5. I consider myself a valuable person. YES/NO
6. I have confidence in myself. YES/NO

If you answered “NO” to most of the questions, you may have lowered self-esteem. However, to confirm this supposition, go to a specialist.

What low self-esteem leads to

Low self-esteem projects our attitude toward everyday difficulties and affects how we approach life. It also has a major impact on our overall mood.

• constant feelings of guilt,
• lack of self-confidence,
• lack of a sense of fulfillment,
• problems with assertiveness,
• a tendency toward perfectionism,
• negative thinking about the future,
• placing too high expectations on oneself,
• difficulty in making independent decisions,
• difficulty accepting criticism (because we take everything very personally).

Low self-esteem also results in low self-confidence. We think we are not capable, because we focus all our attention on shortcomings and mistakes made in the past. We perceive every small mistake as the biggest failure, and every difficulty as an insurmountable obstacle.

What behaviors are indicative of low self-esteem?

Certain behaviors can indicate that our self-esteem is low. Among them can be mentioned:

• fitting in with others at all costs,
• putting enormous effort to perform all assigned tasks perfectly and “gaining” more value in this way,
• avoiding situations in which someone may judge and criticize our actions,
• seeking other people’s approval and affection by sacrificing ourselves for them (satisfying their needs at the expense of our own),
• reacting to any criticism with inadequately strong fear and insecurity.

Low self-esteem in a relationship – how does it affect the relationship?

Reduced self-esteem significantly affects our interactions with other people. This is especially evident in romantic relationships. It can often manifest itself in a lack of trust, low levels of communication and mutual understanding, and excessive emotional dependence.

How does a person with low self-esteem behave in a relationship?

• is panicky and afraid of rejection,
• is afraid to show his weaknesses and talk about his own needs,
• tolerates mistreatment (because he thinks he doesn’t deserve better),
• has difficulty talking about what she really feels and what hurts her,
• blames herself for problems in the relationship and takes all the blame.

Self-esteem –low sense of worth in a man

Low self-esteem is a problem that affects not only women. In men, however, it takes a slightly different form, due to social expectations and stereotypes about masculinity.

Lowered self-esteem in men is influenced by:

• social pressure – men often experience pressure to be strong, independent and always have everything under control. Even when things don’t go their way, they avoid asking for help and suppress emotions within themselves.
• stereotypes about masculinity – the belief that a man should always be confident, successful and the “head of the family” fosters huge expectations and feelings of great anxiety after failure.
• difficulty expressing emotions – men are often brought up with the belief that showing emotions is unmanly. When they face anger, fear and sadness, they try to mask them and blame themselves for having such feelings inside. They treat their appearance as something that proves their lesser worth.

Low self-esteem – how to fight it?

Low self-esteem can be worked with – so it’s worth starting today.

Create a map of your resources

A map of yourresources, your strengths, is a tool that allows you to become aware of what you have – skills, talents, achievements, relationships, as well as material resources. It’s an inventory of various strengths, qualities and items that make life better. Creating such a list will help you build a positive self-image and increase your self-esteem. Start writing down everything you are proud of. The following questions can help you do this:

• What do you do well? What successes can you boast of?
• What talents do you have? What works best for you?
• What relationships are particularly important to you?
• What qualities do you value in yourself? What qualities do others value in you?
• What do you enjoy doing? Do you have any hobbies? What gives you joy?
• What are your guiding principles in life? What are your most important values?
• What kinds of things are important to you? Do any material resources help you on a daily basis?

Thinking based on facts

Adequate (i.e., in line with reality) self-assessment goes hand in hand with rational thinking. Meanwhile, it is relatively easy to fall into the trap of emotional thinking, which has little to do with rationality. We will illustrate this with an example:

When you come home from a failed date, strong emotions are speaking through you. You are bitter and may repeat to yourself: “I screwed up. I will never find love. I’m hopeless.”

However, when you cool down and approach the situation more rationally, you may come to some conclusions:

1. The fact that a date failed is not solely up to you.
2. One failed date does not derail your entire love life.
3. Experiencing a love disappointment does not at all determine your worth.

After subjecting your first thoughts to analysis, you will probably find that they had little to do with reality. They were formed under the influence of a wave of difficult emotions and made you feel even worse. However, if you learn to notice them and approach them rationally, they will no longer have such a big impact on your mood.

Allow yourself to make mistakes

No longer look at mistakes as your greatest enemies! They are inevitable – everyone makes them, not just you. However, not everyone can learn from them and treat them as valuable lessons. So learn from your mistakes and remember – they are experiences that show you what to do and what to avoid in the future. They really bring a lot of good to your life, so there is no need to avoid them at all costs. Mistakes don’t determine our worth, and neither do successes and victories.

How can cognitive-behavioral therapy help boost your self-esteem?

Low self-esteem – schema therapy

Schema therapy is a form of psychotherapy that focuses on such deep-rooted thinking patterns, behavioral patterns and emotional patterns. This is because some of them can make our daily functioning very difficult. Schema work is particularly effective in treating low self-esteem, as it allows us to discover and change the beliefs that undermine our self-confidence. Together with the therapist, we will discover the underlying causes of our problem, slowly transform negative beliefs and introduce healthier thinking patterns in their place.

Low self-esteem is often accompanied by patterns such as:

• a pattern of defectiveness/shame – a sense that we are inferior to others and that “something is wrong with us.”
• emotional deprivation schema – the feeling that we can’t count on anyone, we are unimportant and inadequate,
• failure schema – this is a deep-rooted belief that one is doomed to fail in important areas of life, such as career, education, relationships or personal achievement,
• isolation schema – the conviction that no one can understand us and meet our needs (we don’t fit in anywhere).

Failure schema – a person with low self-esteem “I don’t believe in my success.”

One of the most important negative patterns brought from childhood is the failure pattern. People experiencing the failure pattern most often struggle with low self-esteem.

The main characteristics of the failure pattern are:

1. A constant expectation of failure.
2. Low self-confidence in one’s own abilities.
3. Tendency to give up at the first difficulties.
4. Avoidance of challenges and new situations.
5. Comparing oneself with others, always to one’s disadvantage.

The origin of the pattern of failure

The failure pattern is often formed in childhood or early adolescence. Here are some of the factors that may contribute to its development:

1. Overly critical or demanding parents.
2. Constant comparison with siblings or peers.
3. Experiencing actual failures that have been over-generalized.
4. Lack of support and encouragement from caregivers.
5. Labeling the child as a “loser” or “stupid.”
6. Parental overprotectiveness that does not allow the child to develop a sense of agency.

General functioning of people with a pattern of failure

• Difficulty taking risks and new challenges
• Tendency to procrastinate
• A constant sense of dissatisfaction with life
• Increased risk of depression and anxiety
• Chronic feelings of helplessness and hopelessness

Low self-esteem – therapy. Why it’s worth it

When we face low self-esteem, all areas of our life suffer. We feel worse, find it harder to work, study, form relationships and maintain friendships. However, we don’t have to accept that this will always be the case. And while it may be very hard for us to break through at first and make an appointment to see a specialist – in the future we will certainly thank ourselves for it. Regular appointments with a therapist will allow us to accept ourselves and feel good about ourselves.

Schema therapy helps:

• identify maladaptive beliefs about ourselves, other people and the world,
• understand how maladaptive thinking patterns affect our perception of reality, how they shape emotions and behavior,
• develop new beliefs and replace those that do not serve us (of course, all this happens gradually),
• develop new skills (assertiveness, effective communication, expressing our needs, dealing with stress).

Work on increasing self-esteem – the most important techniques in schema therapy

Schema therapy offers a variety of techniques for working on negative schemas

1. Cognitive techniques:
   • Identifying and challenging negative beliefs about one’s abilities.
   • Cognitive restructuring – changing the way people think about failures and successes.
   • Working with “reminder cards” (flashcards) containing evidence of one’s own successes.
2. Emotional techniques:
   • Imaginal rescripting – working through difficult past experiences.
   • Working with the“inner critic” – confronting the inner voice that undermines one’s own abilities.
   • Developing self-compassion, self-acceptance.
3. Behavioral techniques:
   • Gradual exposure to situations that trigger patterns.
   • Setting realistic goals and achieving them.
   • Exercises in taking risks and dealing with setbacks.
4. Therapeutic relationship:
   • Using the relationship with the therapist as a source of support and positive feedback. The psychotherapist in the role of a corrective parent.
   • Modeling a healthy approach to failure and success.

Each of us deserves to feel good about ourselves. If your self-esteem is lowered, your well-being suffers greatly. However, such a state does not have to last forever! Working on your self-esteem is one of the most important investments you can make in your life.

Source:

Góralewska-Słońska, A. (2011). Self-esteem as an individual’s potential, Problemy Profesjologii 11(2), pp. 97-112.

Gillian Heath , Helen Startup. CREATIVE METHODS IN SCHEMA THERAPY. Innovations in clinical practice. GWP 2023

https://www.ucdavis.edu/curiosity/news/research-review-shows-self-esteem-has-long-term-benefits