“I shouldn’t get so upset.” “I have to be strong; I won’t cry.” “If I were truly mentally healthy, I’d just be happy.”
If any of these thoughts sound familiar to you, it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. It’s because all three are cultural norms—repeated in homes, schools, and open-plan offices for so long that they’ve come to be treated as truths. Meanwhile, psychology tells us something completely different about them: they are myths. And they are myths that come with real costs, because they hinder the very thing they were supposed to help with—coping with emotions.
In this article, I’ll take a closer look at the ten most common of these myths. I’ll draw on three schools of thought that have most significantly changed our understanding of emotions in recent decades: dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and schema therapy—that is, the approaches we use in our daily work at Nowe Widoki.
Where do these myths about emotions come from in the first place?
We absorb myths about emotions at home, at school, and within our culture: these are messages about feelings repeated so often that they have ceased to be merely someone’s opinion and have become an internal user manual. They take root particularly deeply when we hear them in childhood—from the people on whom our safety depended.
Someone once told you, “Don’t cry, or people will laugh at you.” Or: “Anger is the enemy of beauty.” Or simply: “Be brave.” Such messages, repeated often enough in childhood, cease to be merely someone else’s opinion—they become an internal user manual for our emotions.
Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT therapy, considers misconceptions about emotions to be one of the main causes of difficulty in regulating them. This mechanism is insidious: the more strongly we believe that a particular emotion “shouldn’t exist,” the more often we suppress it—and a suppressed emotion doesn’t disappear; it only builds up. Steven Hayes, in his ACT therapy, describes this pattern as avoidance of experiences and demonstrates through research that it is this avoidance—not the emotion itself—that causes suffering. Jeffrey Young’s Schema Therapy adds a third element: our beliefs about emotions have a history. They usually stem from early experiences and from how the adults around us reacted to our crying, anger, or fear.
Myth 1: Emotions are divided into “good” and “bad”
Joy, gratitude, love—these are meant to be experienced. Anger, sadness, shame—these are meant to be hidden. This is a distinction most of us learned before the age of ten. Interestingly, research on how people organize their knowledge of emotions shows that this division into “positive” and “negative” is one of the first categorizations we learn—even before we learn to distinguish between specific emotions (Shaver et al., 1987). No wonder it is so deeply ingrained.
From a psychological standpoint, this division simply does not exist. Every emotion serves a specific function. Fear alerts us and mobilizes us. Guilt reminds us of our values when we cross a line. Sadness allows us to experience loss rather than avoid it. And anger—the emotion for which women pay the highest social price—arises when something important has been violated. It can be the best incentive for setting boundaries.
DBT therapy states this clearly: emotions convey information and provide motivation. Instead of asking, “Is this emotion good?”, it’s worth asking: What is this emotion trying to tell me? It’s just one change in the way you phrase the question, but it transforms your entire relationship with your inner world.
Myth 2: There is a “right” way to feel
Your friend went through a similar breakup without shedding a single tear, so you think, “There must be something wrong with me if this is bothering me so much.”
The thing is, there’s no emotional standard you can use as a yardstick. How you react is influenced by your past experiences, thought patterns, biological state—and even whether you’ve gotten enough sleep. Schema therapy highlights one more thing: emotional patterns are formed in early childhood, depending on whether your basic needs were met. If anger was punished in your home, you may now react with anxiety to your own irritation. Not because you’re “too emotional.” But because your nervous system once learned that anger is dangerous—and it continues to protect you from it.
Accepting your own reactions—even the “excessive” ones—is not about indulging yourself. It is the foundation of mental health. And determining where your reaction patterns come from is exactly what we work on in online schema therapy.
Myth 3: Talking about emotions doesn’t help
“Why should I talk about this? There’s nothing I can do about it anyway”—I hear this phrase regularly in my office, most often from women who grew up in families where talking about feelings was considered a sign of weakness or a waste of time.
Research points to the exact opposite. Simply naming an emotion—psychologists call this “affect labeling” —increases activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for regulating emotions, and calms the amygdala, which is the center for fear responses (Lieberman et al., 2007). To put it simply: when, instead of a general “I feel bad,” you say “I feel sad and helpless,” that emotion actually loses some of its power.
Beyond neurobiology, there’s something even simpler. A conversation doesn’t have to solve anything. Sometimes it’s enough for someone to simply listen—and then you’re no longer alone with your feelings.
Myth 4: If I show my emotions, others will judge me
“I can’t break down here.” “They’ll think I’m weak.” Especially in a professional setting, where a certain detachment is often valued, this fear is understandable.
The paradox is that it is precisely the hiding of emotions that creates distance in relationships, not the expression of them. Social psychology has been studying this phenomenon for decades under the term “self-disclosure”: a meta-analysis of dozens of studies has shown that people who speak openly about their experiences are more liked by others—and that openness itself deepens mutual closeness (Collins and Miller, 1994). Contrary to fears, vulnerability is not perceived as a weakness, but rather as authenticity and an invitation to form a bond.
In therapeutic work, one of the most moving moments is often when a client allows herself to cry for the first time and, instead of judgment, is met with a warm welcome. Such a single moment can shake a belief she has held for over twenty years.
Myth 5: If I allow myself to feel emotions, I’ll lose control
This is a myth that causes many women to live in a constant state of restraint. It has its own logic: intense emotions can indeed be frightening.
However, this mechanism works in the opposite way to what intuition suggests. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) describes a state of emotional overload in which arousal levels are so high that regulation skills cease to function—and one of the paths leading to this point is precisely prolonged suppression. Painful emotions that are not allowed to surface do not disappear. They build up.
This was demonstrated in Daniel Wegner’s classic experiment: participants who were instructed not to think about a white bear for several minutes thought about it more often than the group that did not receive this instruction—and the rebound effect persisted even after the task was completed (Wegner et al., 1987). The same applies to thoughts and emotions: the more you fight them, the more resources that struggle consumes. However, an emotion that is allowed to surface behaves like a wave—it builds, peaks, and subsides. All on its own. No emotion lasts forever, even if every intense emotion seems to promise it will. Read: How to Deal with Negative Emotions
Myth 6: I should be happy. Painful emotions are bad
Social media has made this myth an everyday reality. You scroll through carefully curated snapshots of other people’s lives, and somewhere along the way, you come to the conclusion: happiness is the norm; anything else is a flaw.
Psychology has been saying something different for years: happiness isn’t a constant state—and it shouldn’t be. The full spectrum of human experience also includes sadness, longing, boredom, and frustration—and the ability to feel this entire range of emotions is a sign of emotional health, not a lack thereof. When joy is treated as an obligation, any deviation from it becomes a problem to be solved. And it is this struggle against pain—not the pain itself—that is the source of suffering.
Instead of asking, “Why am I not happy?”, try asking, “What does this moment require of me?”
Myth 7: Emotions Are Worse Than Logic
“Don’t let your emotions get the better of you.” “Please think rationally.” Western culture—and corporate culture in particular—has for centuries prioritized reason over emotions.
Neurobiology has settled this debate quite unequivocally. For years, Antonio Damasio studied patients with damage to the prefrontal cortex who retained full cognitive abilities but lost access to emotions. The conclusion was surprising: these patients were unable to make decisions. They constantly analyzed the available options because, without emotions, it is impossible to determine what truly matters to us. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) refers to thisas the “Wise Mind”—a state in which emotions and analysis work together rather than against each other.
Emotions are not an obstacle to thinking. They are an essential complement to it. See also: emotional emptiness
Myth 8: I can always trust my emotions
A mirror image of the previous myth—and just as problematic. Since emotions carry information, perhaps I should always be guided by what I feel?
Not necessarily. Cognitive-behavioral therapy describes a cognitive distortioncalled “emotional reasoning”: treating emotions as facts about reality. “I feel incompetent, so I am incompetent.” “I’m afraid, so I’m in danger.” “I feel jealous, so he’s hiding something.” In each of these statements, the intensity of the emotion is mistakenly treated as proof. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a specific skill in this regard— fact-checking—whichinvolves verifying whether an emotion aligns with the facts of the current situation.
An emotion is valuable information—but it is information that needs to be interpreted. The key question is: Does this emotion tell me something about the current situation, or has an old pattern simply been triggered? A significant part of therapeutic work involves learning to make this distinction.
Myth 9: Women are emotional, and men are logical
This myth harms everyone—regardless of gender. Research consistently shows that, on a physiological level, women and men experience emotions in very similar ways. The differences lie in how they express those emotions, and this is culturally shaped. Girls are told that it’s okay to cry; boys, on the other hand, are told that “men don’t cry.” The result, years later: he has difficulty recognizing what he’s actually feeling, while she struggles to express anger without feeling guilty, because she was often punished for being assertive.
The myth of “emotional women” does not describe reality. It describes expectations. It’s worth remembering this every time you start judging your own reactions through the lens of “how a woman should feel.”
Myth 10: Other people trigger my emotions
“She upset me.” “He scares me.” This is an understandable simplification—other people’s behavior obviously affects us. However, there is a huge difference between influence and total control.
The emotion you experience in response to someone’s behavior is the result of many factors: the situation, but also your own experiences, active thought patterns, values, and the state you happen to be in at that moment. Two people in an identical situation may feel something completely different—because each brings their own inner world to that situation.
Taking responsibility for your emotions does not mean blaming yourself. It means regaining agency: “I’m feeling angry—this is important information about me and this situation; what do I want to do about it?” instead of: “She’s to blame for how I feel, so there’s nothing I can do about it.” This distinction empowers you because it helps you reconnect with yourself.
What about common myths? A few rules for a healthy relationship with your own emotions
Name what you’re feeling. Be specific. “I’m feeling sadness and helplessness” has a different effect than “I feel bad”—even at the brain level.
Be curious, not judgmental. “What is this emotion trying to tell me?” instead of “Why am I reacting this way again?”
Just let the emotion be. You don’t have to fix it or eliminate it. The wave will eventually subside.
Check the facts. When you’re feeling an intense emotion, ask yourself: Does it reflect current reality, or is it an old pattern?
Remember: an emotion is information, not a command. You can feel anger and still stay on the phone. You can feel fear and still take a step forward. The emotion arises—the decision is yours.
Today’s mini-protocol: 30 seconds, three steps
So that you’re not left with just theory—here’s the simplest version of all this, which you can use today the next time you experience an intense emotion:
- Pause. Before you do anything,take one conscious breath. (In DBT, this is the first step of the STOP technique.)
- Name it. One word, out loud or in your mind: “anger,” “shame,” “sadness.” Just doing this reduces your arousal.
- Ask. “What are you telling me?”—and only then decide what you want to do.
Thirty seconds. It won’t solve all your problems, but every time you do this, you’re teaching your nervous system a new pattern: emotion → information → choice. Instead of the old one: emotion → suppression → overload.
In Summary
The beliefs you’ve internalized over the years from your family, culture, and work environment won’t disappear after reading just one article. And that’s not the point. All you need to do is, the next time an intense emotion arises, instead of suppressing it, ask it one question: What are you telling me?
And if you feel that doing this on your own is too difficult—that the emotions are overwhelming, old patterns keep repeating, or you’re unable to access them —working with a psychotherapist who uses cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), or schema therapy—will provide a safe space to explore these patterns at their source.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can emotions be controlled? Not in the sense of a switch—you don’t decide whether a particular emotion will arise. However, you do have control over what you do with it: emotion regulation involves recognizing, naming, and choosing your response—not suppressing the emotion.
Is suppressing emotions harmful? In the long run—yes. Suppressed emotions don’t disappear—they build up, increasing the risk of emotional overload and, often, somatic symptoms. It’s more effective to allow yourself to feel your emotions and accurately name what you’re feeling.
Why do I suppress my emotions if I know it’s harmful to me? Because suppression was once the best strategy available. If showing your feelings at home was met with punishment, ridicule, or indifference, your nervous system learned that it’s safer not to feel. This isn’t a lack of willpower—it’s an old defense mechanism that is no longer necessary but persists nonetheless. It is precisely these patterns that are the focus of schema therapy.
Is crying a sign of weakness? No. Crying is a natural regulatory response of the body—it helps release tension and signals to those around you that you need support. The belief that crying is a sign of weakness is a learned cultural message, not a psychological fact. People who allow themselves to cry are actually perceived as more authentic, not less competent.
Bibliography:
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Training Materials and Worksheets (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Empirical Approach to Behavioral Change. Guilford Press.
- Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Guide for Practitioners. Guilford Press.
- Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). Verbalizing emotions: Naming affect disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428.
- Damasio, A. R. (1994). Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain. Putnam.
- Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future perspectives. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26.
- Shaver, P., et al. (1987). Knowledge of Emotions: A Further Analysis of the Prototype Approach. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(6), 1061–1086.
- Collins, N. L. and Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and likability: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116(3), 457–475.
- Wegner, D. M., Schneider, D. J., Carter, S. R., and White, T. L. (1987). The paradoxical effects of thought suppression. *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology*, 53(1), 5–13.