Have you ever caught yourself saying “yes” to every request, even when your calendar is bursting at the seams? Do you feel guilty when you try to put up boundaries? Or is your biggest fear that someone might take offense at you? If so, you are probably struggling with people pleasing – a phenomenon that is much more complex than just wanting to be nice.
What exactly is people pleasing?
People pleasing is much more than simple politeness or concern for others. It is a compulsive need to please others at the expense of one’s own needs, boundaries and well-being. Psychologists describe it as a pattern of behavior in which we consistently give up our own needs to please others and avoid conflict.
People with people pleasing tendencies often:
- Have difficulty saying “no” – even when they are overloaded with responsibilities.
- They apologize excessively, even when it’s not their fault (“I’m sorry about the rain,” “I’m sorry I called”).
- They avoid conflict at all costs, even when it means tolerating unfair treatment.
- They feel responsible for other people’s emotions (“I have to make everyone feel good”).
- They lose their sense of self in relationships, adjusting their views to the expectations of others.
People pleasing can be motivated by a variety of hidden fears – from a fear of rejection, to a fear of abandonment, to a deep-seated belief that they are responsible for the happiness of everyone around them.
People pleasing syndrome as a reaction to trauma
Research shows that people pleasing is often not just a personality trait, but a reaction to trauma called“fawning.” In addition to the well-known reactions of fight, flight or freeze, fawning is a fourth way of coping with a threat – by placating and complying.
This reaction is particularly common in women who have experienced:
- Emotional neglect in childhood – where their needs were regularly ignored or minimized.
- Emotional or physical abuse – where safety depended on “being polite.”
- Unstable care – when love and acceptance were conditional.
- Upbringing in environments based on shaming – where a child’s natural needs were treated as selfish.
Examples from everyday life are when as a child you heard, “Don’t be so demanding,” “Think of others, not just yourself,” “Good girls don’t express displeasure.” Children in such environments quickly learn that security can be obtained by conforming to the needs of caregivers and avoiding their displeasure. This survival mechanism is transferred to adult relationships.
People pleaser hidden costs of pleasing
While people pleasing may seem like a positive trait, it carries serious consequences:
For mental health:
- Increased risk of depression and anxiety – the constant stress of monitoring the reactions of others depletes the nervous system.
- Low self-esteem – when one’s own worth depends on the approval of others, one becomes hostage to their opinions.
- Loss of sense of identity – after years of conforming to the expectations of others, we may not know what we really want. Read more on this topic: emotional infantilism
- Chronic stress and exhaustion – constantly monitoring the moods of others and adjusting to them is psychologically exhausting.
For relationships:
- Creating unbalanced, interdependent relationships – where one party is constantly giving and the other only takes.
- Attracting toxic and manipulative people – narcissists seek partners they can control, and people pleasers seem like ideal victims.
- Building relationships based on a false self-image – when you only show a “nice” version of yourself, no one gets to know the real you.
- Resentmentand emotional burnout – eventually accumulated resentment, or accumulated resentment will break through to the surface.
Examples from professional life:
- You stay late at work because you can’t say no to extra tasks, even though you have your own responsibilities.
- You don’t ask for a raise, even though you know you deserve one, because you “don’t want to be bothered.”
- You accept criticism without defense, even when it’s unfair.
How to quit the people pleasing syndrome
The key question is, “If I don’t please people, ___________.” The answer to this question can reveal the hidden fears that drive people pleasing. Do you worry about:
- Rejection: “They won’t like me, they will think badly of me.”
- Abandonment: “I’ll be left alone, I won’t have anyone.”
- Guilt: “It’s my responsibility to take care of others’ happiness.”
- Harm: “They may hurt me emotionally or cause me stress.”
The first step is to recognize your own trigger points and automatic reactions. Consider: When and to whom do you most often give up your own needs? Does it happen more often with family, friends, or at work? Are there specific personality types with whom you automatically become more compliant?
Building Healthier Patterns
- Developing awareness
Start observing your patterns without judgment. Keep a journal of situations where you feel pressure to please. What is happening in your body? Do you feel tension in your shoulders, a quickening of your heart rate, or do you automatically start smiling?
- Setting boundaries
Healthy boundaries are not selfishness, but a necessity. Start with small steps:
- “I’m sorry, but I’m not available tonight” (without explaining in detail why).
- “Let me think about it and get back to you tomorrow” (you buy yourself time to think about it).
- “I understand that this is important to you, but I see it differently” (expressing a difference of opinion without apologizing).
- Practicing assertiveness
Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s needs and opinions in a way that respects oneself and others. It can be developed through:
- Role-playing exercises – try difficult conversations first with a trusted friend.
- Starting with low-risk situations – express your opinion on a movie or restaurant.
- Using “I” messages instead of accusations – “I feel overwhelmed when I get so many tasks at once” instead of “You keep adding work to me.”
- Working with your own values
Instead of being driven by fear of rejection, develop new, healthier guiding beliefs:
- “My thoughts and feelings are just as important as others’.”
- “I can bear it when others are unhappy with me.”
- “It’s not selfish to have your own needs and express them.”
- “True relationships survive honest communication.”
The role of therapy in overcoming people pleasing
Professional help can be invaluable in the process of recovering from people pleasing. Effective therapeutic approaches include:
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps people identify their own values and build a life in line with them rather than the expectations of others.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps identify and change distorted thought patterns that sustain people pleasing.
Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy (DBT) teaches interpersonal skills and emotion regulation, especially useful in dealing with conflict anxiety.
The therapy provides a safe environment to explore the sources of people pleasing and practice new behaviors. Role-playing techniques allow people to build confidence in expressing their needs without risking damage to important relationships.
Practical steps for each day
Start small:
- Correct someone politely, but without apologizing (“Actually, it was last Tuesday, not Wednesday”).
- Say “no, thank you” without over-explaining.
- Express your opinion on matters of little importance (“I would prefer pizza to sushi today”).
- Don’t postpone your plans for the convenience of others (“I already have plans for this evening”).
- Stop apologizing for things that are not your fault (“Thanks for waiting” instead of “Sorry I’m late” when you’re 2 minutes late).
Take care of yourself:
- Regularly review your emotional needs – ask yourself “What do I need right now?”
- Designate time just for yourself without guilt.
- Practice mindfulness to better recognize your automatic reactions.
- Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and don’t punish you for expressing your needs.
Remember: it’s a process, not a revolution
Overcoming people pleasing is a process that takes time and patience. Initial attempts to set boundaries may seem difficult or even selfish – this is normal. You may feel scared, insecure or frustrated in the initial phase. You may not be as “effective” as you would like. However, with practice your skills and confidence will grow.
Every little attempt is a step in the right direction. Celebrate your progress, even the small ones. You deserve a life that reflects your true self, not just what you try to please others with.
People pleasing doesn’t have to be your prison. With the right tools, support and patience, you can learn to live authentically, respecting both your needs and the needs of others. Remember: your well-being is just as important as everyone else’s.
If you recognize strong people pleasing tendencies in yourself, especially those stemming from traumatic experiences, it is worth consulting a professional. Therapy can significantly speed up the healing process and give you the tools to build healthier relationships.
Bibliography
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- American Psychological Association. (2023). People-pleasing behaviors and fear of abandonment. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/health/the-need-to-please-the-psychology-of-people-pleasing
- Barna, R. (2022). The Psychology of People-Pleasing. Clear Yo Mind, Medium. https://medium.com/clear-yo-mind/the-psychology-of-people-pleasing-cf9ae3299a15
- Berkeley Greater Good Science Center. (2024). Why It Doesn’t Pay to be a People-Pleaser. Greater Good Magazine.
- Hayes, H. & Associates. (2022). The Disease to Please: Hypervigilance Around Others’ Needs. Heather Hayes & Associates. /
- Li, X., Zhang, Y., & Wang, L. (2024). The Mental Health Implications of People-Pleasing: Psychometric Properties and Latent Profiles of the Chinese People-Pleasing Questionnaire. PMC – National Center for Biotechnology Information. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12318589/
- Medical News Today. (2023). People pleaser: Definition, signs, risks, and how to stop. Medical News Today.
- PACEs Connection. (2024). Recognizing the Complex Trauma-Based Fawn Response. PACEs Connection Community.
- Psychology Today. (2025). People-Pleasing: Understanding the Psychology Behind the Behavior. Psychology Today.
- Schwartz, A. (2024). The Fawn Response in Complex PTSD. Dr. Arielle Schwartz.
- The Berkeley Well-Being Institute. (2024). People Pleasing: Definition, Quotes, & Psychology. Berkeley Well-Being Institute.
- Walker, P. (2024). The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology – Codependency and the Fawn Response. Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy.