Self-harm involves deliberate actions to undermine your chance of success. Sounds unbelievable, doesn’t it? And yet this destructive phenomenon is very common.
Difficulties arise on everyone’s path and we have to overcome and face them. It also happens that someone throws obstacles at your feet because they do not wish you well. You can accuse your enemies of such things, but sometimes your worst adversary turns out to be yourself. After all, have you ever happened to predict your own failure and, on top of that, very plausibly justify it? If so, chances are that it was self-doubt, also known as self-sabotage. You may not even realize that you use this defense mechanism in various situations. But what exactly is self-sabotage, is it related to self-esteem, how do you recognize it, and what should you do if you discover that you are often unconsciously working against yourself?
What is self-sabotage?
To begin with, it’s a good idea to find out what self-harm actually is. Under this name is a well-known defense mechanism in psychology. Perhaps you’ve ever been in such a situation – the next day an important exam, a job interview, a presentation at work awaited you, and you, instead of preparing for these tasks, started cleaning your room, cooking, catching up on your books – in a word, everything but what you should be doing to face the scheduled events the next day. Or do you tend to put off your responsibilities to the last minute, when the deadline inexorably approaches and you start to feel that you won’t make it with your duties on time?
In such moments you are unable to force yourself to work, even if you feel the breath of your superior on your back, who asks how you are doing with your orders and would like to see the results of your actions already. All the situations cited are nothing but examples of how your inner saboteur works. He is constantly playing with fate, exposing you to danger and making you expose yourself to the unpleasant consequences of neglecting your duties – at college, at home or at work. At the same time, as you sabotage various activities, you may also create and imagine plausible explanations and excuses for why you failed. Surely, you are now wondering with disbelief what such self-sabotage would bring you if you are facing problems and failures because of it. The answer is surprisingly simple – it means removing personal responsibility from you the moment something goes wrong in a particular action. It can relieve you of responsibility for failure. It also serves to protect your sense of self-worth, as it allows you to be flexible about what you have accomplished. Self-sabotage is also a conflict between your conscious and hidden desires, which can definitely differ.
Self-sabotage and our self-esteem – research
This interesting phenomenon has already lived to see scientific research, and Steven Berglas and Edward Jones were the pioneers on this issue. They were based on the assumption that modern society values much more the capabilities someone has than the actual achievements of that person. In turn, even more valuable than success is the human ego, which needs constant protection. This makes you sacrifice a disproportionate amount, in favor of keeping it safe and preventing it from being hurt. Very often, therefore, self-harm goes hand in hand with low self-esteem. This is a method to protect a fragile sense of self-esteem for a short while, but in the long run it can lower self-esteem. This is because by sabotaging yourself, you are unable to achieve the goals you set for yourself. However, in this brief moment, your brain protects you from feeling pain and disappointment, in case of failure. In this way, the mind defends you from suffering, preventing you from exposing yourself to it. Unfortunately, it also means moving away from the desired success or fulfillment of your dreams.
Deliberate self-harm in our lives – symptoms
There are a number of symptoms by which you can determine whether you are self-harming. This is because it is characterized by a number of different types of actions with the help of which you stop yourself from achieving success. You may be familiar with all of them under other names by which their true nature is covered – they are said to be laziness or procrastination. These include:
- procrastination,
- indecision,
- addictions,such as marijuana addiction, phone addiction
- failure to plan ahead,
- succumbing to anxiety,
- excessive thinking,
- complaining,
- judging,
- eating too much food,
- not getting enough sleep.
As you can see, self-sabotage covers various aspects of daily life. It can range from going to bed late to being undecided, sometimes even on seemingly trivial issues. Often it even leads you to start suppressing and repressing your own needs or desires. It also means constantly comparing yourself with others and feeling that you are inferior to them. Sometimes a symptom that should get your attention is also getting involved in a toxic relationship and staying in it despite many contraindications and the fact that it negatively affects your life and well-being.
Self-sabotage – examples
An example of such behavior can also be a situation in which you buy a gym pass, change your diet, buy healthy products and decide to fight for your dream figure. However, all your plans ultimately end up in snacking on unhealthy food. It may also happen that you don’t start running because you are unable to choose the color of your athletic shoes. Sound familiar? Yes, this is also sabotaging yourself. And let’s not forget those moments when you set yourself such an ambitious and difficult goal that it was clear from the beginning that you would not achieve it. However, you have the excuse that after all you tried, right? It’s not your fault that it didn’t work out again.
Self-sabotage, then, is an action that is ultimately intended to avoid hurting the ego. However, it is a mechanism that works for a very short time and does not work in the long run. This is because it is all connected with self-esteem, and it does not exist without self-esteem. This is, after all, every person’s way of evaluating his or her character and determining whether you are satisfied with yourself. If you’re struggling with a lack of motivation, overly high expectations of yourself or negative emotions, you’re probably also experiencing difficulties related to your self-esteem. Provoking failure in the long run, however, will only contribute to its significant decline.
Imposter syndrome
Impostor Syndrome is a psychological phenomenon that concerns the feeling that one’s own achievements and successes are not due to skill, lack of ability, talent or knowledge, but are merely the result of luck, chance or misperception by others. People experiencing this syndrome often feel like frauds who do not deserve their successes, career promotions or recognition. Despite external validation of their achievements, internally they believe they are inadequate and sooner or later this will be discovered.
Imposter syndrome can affect various aspects of life, such as work, study, social life and interpersonal relationships. People experiencing this syndrome often set very high standards for themselves , exhibit perfectionism and are excessively self-critical.
What is caused by self-sabotage?
You already know how to recognize if there is an inner saboteur in your mind and what it manifests itself as, and how it affects self-esteem. It’s also a good idea to find out what caused it to appear in your life and start hindering everything. After all, self-sabotage has a lot of functions, despite appearances, and the main one is protection. After all, admitting your own weaknesses means that when you fail, your sense of worth is nevertheless protected and you don’t have to face the consequences of failure. After all, you already have a logical explanation for it, which you have created as part of your self-hindrance. If you protect yourself by creating obstacles in your life, then in a situation where you nevertheless succeed, you begin to see even more value in yourself. In this way, some people also try to convince people around them that they have significance that they themselves do not believe in.
It is also important to note that different strategies of self-doubt have been distinguished. In Polish social psychology, researchers Dariusz Dolinski and Andrzej Szmajke have detailed as many as three types of them:
- behavioral strategy – it means taking such actions that make it difficult for you to succeed. This includes, for example, postponing or abandoning preparations before an important event, such as an exam.
- non-behavioral strategy – this is distinguished when you start to experience anxiety symptoms, pain or mood deterioration when you start to perform a given activity.
- symbolic strategy – in this situation you may perceive conditions and situations as more negative than they really are. In practice, it may look like this: you consider the task set before you as more difficult than it actually is.
So if, for example, you take an exam and fail to pass it, the explanation could be lack of preparation, which is a behavioral strategy, headache and fatigue, which is a non-behavioral strategy, or a feeling that it was far too difficult (symbolic strategy). All of the aforementioned strategies serve as an excuse for failure, and thus are protective of your sense of self-worth.
Self-sabotage at work
Self-sabotage can affect many aspects of your life – professional and private. It’s because of self-sabotage that you may be stuck for years in a job you don’t like or in a poorly paid position, or engage in toxic relationships every now and then. This is a direct result of your feeling that you don’t deserve better and the fact that you are trying to protect yourself from the pain that would accompany the disappointment of a new partner or another position at work – perhaps the one of your dreams.
Self-sabotage at work comes in different guises. For example, it can be an unsuccessful attempt to advance in the professional hierarchy. Another one. You then have the feeling that it didn’t work out again, someone was better than you, had connections or more luck. The truth may also be that it was you who again stopped yourself from getting the coveted position. Most likely, you have resorted to self-doubt in order not to stay in your comfort zone and risk failure and thus damage your self-esteem. So you begin to feel temporary relief, but it is only an illusion. In the long run, you will still be unhappy with yourself, because you haven’t achieved what you dream of and fight for.
This whole cycle of self-sabotage breeds more and more tension that you have to relieve, and you do it by hurting yourself, for example by staying in a job you don’t like. Do you hate your position, don’t get paid enough, or have a bad relationship with your boss, but fear that it will be the same or even worse at the new company? By doing so, you are depriving yourself of the chance to see that things could be different. However, you already have a convenient excuse – fear of making your situation worse. Thus, you stay in a familiar environment and avoid confronting new responsibilities that would test your skills.
Self-harm in a relationship
Self-sabotage in a relationship involves staying in a familiar relationship with someone you know what to expect from. Moving away from that person and starting an independent life on your own can often be frightening, so some people fight at all costs for a relationship that doesn’t serve them. They come up with excuses why it’s better to stay with a toxic partner. Sometimes it’s the other person in the relationship who undermines your self-esteem and makes you believe that no one else will love you anymore, or you have too many flaws for anyone to forgive you. By accepting this, you don’t give yourself a chance to live a better life, but you also protect yourself from the pain of getting into another relationship that wouldn’t turn out to be the right one.
However,self-harm in a relationship also has another face. It can be such an action that directly affects the deterioration of the relationship you are in. This occurs when one person is so afraid of changes in the relationship that he does everything to prevent them from happening. In this way, she becomes destructive and has a negative impact on her and her partner’s lives. Sometimes it is the fear of leaving a loved one that is behind it, which stems from a lack of self-esteem, fear of niuepossession, fear of losing control or fear of what the future will bring. All of this, however, can ultimately lead to the breakdown of the relationship, instead of being protective, but it brings the person so protected temporary relief and relieves the tension for a while.
Self-harm vs. self-presentation
Self-sabotage in the context of self-presentation refers to actions or behaviors you engage in to hinder yourself from successfully self-presenting or achieving a positive impression in the eyes of others. It is a type of paradoxical behavior when, although you want to perform well, you subconsciously take actions that undermine your chances of success. For example, inadequate behavior in relation to the situation or inappropriate dress.
Examples of self-sabotage in the case of self-presentation can also include:
- Avoiding opportunities to showcase one’s accomplishments or skills.
- Exaggerating weaknesses and mistakes, and minimizing one’s successes.
- Avoiding eye contact, being shy or withdrawing from conversation.
- Presenting yourself in a negative light to discount your positive qualities.
Psychotherapy – boost self-esteem
As you can see, self-sabotage has a very negative impact on one’s mood and life. So it is worth considering how to deal with self-sabotage? If you have noticed that you are carrying it out, you have already taken the first step on the way to dealing with it. Being aware of what mechanisms govern your behavior gives you the tools to continue fighting them. Once you know what you’re suffering from, you can start to figure out how to stop sabotaging yourself? It’s not that easy, because often the defense mechanisms lie very deep in the human mind, and freeing yourself from them is akin to fighting an addiction.
Start by recognizing the patterns that drive you and try to look for their source. A popular pattern for self-sabotage is the failure pattern. If you notice negative beliefs in yourself that you find difficult to change on your own, make an appointment for therapy – schema therapy. In difficult times, it is a good idea to seek help from professionals. Together with a therapist or psychologist, you will start working on where the sources of self-harm lie and what is behind your motivations. Once you’ve identified the causes, together you’ll move on to working on eliminating inappropriate habits to replace them with new, healthy mechanisms that will allow you to achieve the successes you dream of and make the changes necessary in your life.
Self-sabotage – how to cope ?
Dealing with self-sabotage can be a challenge, but it is possible if you take the right steps to work on yourself. Here are some tips that may help
- Recognize your patterns. Understanding that self-sabotage occurs is the first step in overcoming it. Pay attention to your thoughts, emotions and behavior in various situations where the need for self-presentation techniques arises. Do you notice any recurring patterns or tendencies to depreciate yourself?
- Identify the sources. Try to understand where your self-sabotage may be coming from. Is it due to low self-esteem, fear of rejection, or perhaps imposter syndrome? Perhaps there are beliefs developed in the past that have influenced your behavior now.
- Imagine success. Imagine what a positive outcome of a situation you want to self-present would look like. Visualizing success can help you become more confident and less anxious about the situation.
- Work on self-esteem: Placing a high value on your self-worth and abilities is key to dealing with self-sabotage. Work on self-acceptance, appreciate your achievements and understand your strengths.
- Develop positive thinking. Focus on your strengths and achievements instead of focusing on fears and doubts.
- Set realistic goals. Avoid making unrealistic demands on yourself. Set realistic goals and action objectives that are achievable. Successfully achieving goals can boost your self-confidence.
- Supportive environment: Seek support from those around you, such as friends, family or mentors. Good advice and emotional support can help you overcome difficulties.
- Work on social skills. Developing communication and social skills can help you better express your thoughts and feelings in social situations.
- Develop and learn. Instead of avoiding challenges, take on new opportunities and challenges. Develop your skills and expand your knowledge, which will increase your confidence in yourself.
Self-sabotage is a harmful defense mechanism that prevents you from growing, succeeding and achieving your dreams. However, such mechanisms can be fought against. Break out of the cycle of creating obstacles in your path that keep you from achieving what you really deep down desire.