Relationships with parents are always our first relationships in life. These relationships largely shape us and satisfy our basic psychological needs for security, care, autonomy, among others. Unfortunately, there are times when family ties are dysfunctional and needs are not sufficiently fulfilled. When we didn’t experience sufficient autonomy, we couldn’t get to know ourselves so as to build our own identity. The pattern of entanglement affects children and adults alike, affecting our approach to close relationships, our sense of self-worth, and even the way we deal with life’s difficulties.
Find out what the entanglement pattern is, how it affects us and our relationships, and are there ways to break such a pattern in your life?
Entanglement – psychology
Emotional entanglement, also known as enmeshment, is a term used in psychology and family therapy to describe an unhealthy, overly attached or dysfunctional relationship between family members. It is a type of relationship in which personal boundaries between loved ones are blurred or unhealthily connected, leading to a lack of healthy autonomy and individuality.
What is emotional entanglement?
Closeness, attachment and security – this is usually what family should be associated with. Unfortunately, in many cases, the family tends to contribute to various traumas, one of which is emotional entanglement in adulthood. Among other things, this means situations in which shared family values are not a positive thing, but instead represent a burden and a serious emotional cost.
In the case of family entanglement , healthy boundaries are not defined between family members . Instead, individual roles are blurred and not obvious. The bonds in such an arrangement are strong, but they can also be very unhealthy and debilitating. Entanglement thus means, among other things, too much involvement, for example, in the case of a parent or partner. It is difficult to delineate the framework of individual roles and figures, and the whole situation is sometimes simply unclear.
When emotional entanglement is present, the attachment can become too strong and overstepping the boundaries, in such a way that two people feel almost one. This kind of experience blocks the emergence of proper autonomy, and closeness begins to be interpreted as something dangerous and overwhelming.
Children who are in this type of relationship are unable to develop their own self. In view of this pattern, it is sometimes referred to as a pattern of emotional entanglement or an underdeveloped self.
Emotional entanglement in the family
The entanglement pattern arises in the family. Parents are too close with their children, thus blocking their development as individuals. Their autonomy and identity is stripped away from them and replaced by a misunderstood dysfunctional closeness. An adult child will always be unconditionally attached to a parent or guardian.
Such a pattern is very often accompanied by unhealthy emotions. Parents may begin to rely excessively and inappropriately on the child, and the child has no tools to defend against this. In addition, this will also affect the shape of other relationships it will try to establish in adulthood. If it wants to do something just for itself, it will begin to struggle with an overwhelming sense of guilt, perhaps aroused just by the parent. Sometimes such patterns are then replicated and repeated from generation to generation, as the family lacks proper role models and boundaries to follow when dealing with other family members.
Emotional abuse – key features of entanglement
The most important features of entanglement are:
- Lack of personal boundaries. In the case of emotional entanglement, boundaries are blurred. Family members tend to identify with each other, and their emotions, thoughts and lives are closely intertwined.
- Lack of healthy autonomy. Emotionally entangled people often have difficulty setting and maintaining their own boundaries, both emotional and physical. They feel involved or responsible for the emotions and decisions of other family members.
- Emotional dependency. In such relationships, individuals may exhibit excessive emotional dependence on one another, leading to difficulties in experiencing and expressing their own emotions independently of others.
- Lack of individuality. Emotionally entangled individuals may find it difficult to develop their own identity because they are too closely tied to other family members. Their needs, goals and preferences may be neglected in favor of the needs of others.
- Difficulties in decision-making. Emotional entanglement can lead to difficulties in making their own decisions, as those affected by this experience are guided more by the needs or expectations of others than their own.
Entanglement pattern – causes
Where is the source of the occurrence of such patterns? Emotional entanglement has many different causes. One of them may be trauma or illness, for example, of either parent. Sometimes it occurs when a parent suffers from a mental illness or someone struggles with chronic ailments that require constant monitoring or care. The pattern of emotional entanglement also occurs when an adult interferes excessively in the child’s life, for example, controlling all aspects of the child’s life. If a parent makes the child his or her partner, among other things, parentification, imposing an inadequate function on the child in the family, this can also lead to a disordered relationship. An example of this is a drinking father and a mother who appoints one of the children as his surrogate.
The opposite of this situation, on the other hand, is an authoritarian parenting style, when the parent significantly dominates the children. This, too, can build an unhealthy relationship between them and become a trauma. The pattern of entanglement can apply to families in which parents exhibit narcissistic traits, focusing attention on themselves or deriving strength and value from their children’s subordination and dependence. A parent often does not accept when an adult child decides to deviate from his or her beliefs, values, and emotions. He often counts on his child for emotional support, expecting him to live near him and in a certain way, such as having a certain profession or a certain partner. Check out the article – toxic mothers.
The role of the caregiver’s best friend can also easily lead to emotional entanglement. An example is sometimes daughters who become their mothers’ confidants, so that they often have to deal with problems that they should not have to deal with due to their young age.
As you can see, limiting a child’s autonomy or self-reliance is done in many ways, ultimately having a similar effect, that is, the emergence of a pattern of emotional entanglement.
Emotional entanglement pattern – a test
Read the following sentences. If you identify with five or more of these statements, you may probably be struggling with an entanglement pattern.
- I find it difficult to maintain boundaries with my parents.
- My parents are overly involved in my life.
- I am often greatly influenced by the emotional state of my parents or partner.
- If my parents or partner are unhappy – I am unhappy.
- I find it difficult to satisfy my own needs if they conflict with my parents or partner.
- Sometimes I don’t feel that my life belongs to me.
- I am so close to my parents or partner that I find it hard to have my own identity.
- I feel obligated to tell my parents all the intimate details of my life.
- I have trouble maintaining a sense of self in intimate relationships.
- I often feel overwhelmed when I am around my parents.
How does the pattern of entanglement affect adult life? Consequences
As a child, were you unable to separate from your parents and form your identity? Unfortunately, often the burden of entanglement can greatly affect your adult life. You may struggle to set healthy boundaries in relationships, you may experience uncertainty in decision-making. You may waste energy reassuring others that your actions, ideas are right. A common emotion accompanying the entanglement pattern is guilt or shame when you think loved ones are not happy or you feel you are not doing what they want.
You may often face the experience of having no time for yourself, forgetting your needs and your own autonomy. You may be absorbed in someone else’s life to the point that it is sometimes difficult to determine where you are in all of this.
The pattern prevents you from building a stable sense of self. You often feel that you have no sense of direction or purpose for your own life – you follow the direction and purpose of the person with whom you are entangled.
Entanglement in a relationship
Experiences of entanglement in the family can affect how you build relationships in a relationship. Emotional entanglement in a relationship can be detrimental to both partners, leading to feelings of confusion, a lack of satisfaction with life, and an impediment to your development as an individual.
Entanglement in a relationship, refers to an unhealthy relationship dynamic in which partners become too emotionally bound, not allowing each other autonomy and individuality. This can lead to a loss of personal boundaries, difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships, and a limitation on each person’s personal development.
It is important for partners to be aware of these patterns and possibly seek therapeutic help to learn how to create healthier emotional boundaries, develop individuality and build more balanced relationships. Couples therapy can be an effective method to help resolve emotional entanglements in a relationship.
How do people deal with a pattern of entanglement or an underdeveloped self ?
Avoidance
One of the ways we can try to deal with our entanglement is to avoid anything that triggers it. This is why intimate relationships can be particularly difficult for someone trying to avoid this pattern. The relationship involves losing one’s independence and losing oneself, so the only solution is to avoid intimacy.
Overcompensation
Sometimes people with an entanglement pattern may overcompensate for the pattern, that is, behave in a way that contradicts their beliefs about their own dependence. For example, if a partner likes jazz music and hates motorcycles, a person will choose to listen to rock and ride a motorcycle through compensation. However, this new identity is not built on actual preferences but only on building opposition. In addition, this kind of behavior causes people to avoid proximity and distance themselves from for fear that they may become entangled.
Surrender
Some people can cope with the pattern by surrendering to it. These individuals believe that they themselves are not whole, that they need others to build their own identity. They are therefore unlikely to try to break the connection between themselves and entangled people, and if they do try, they will experience tremendous guilt.
How to deal with the experience of emotional entanglement?
Running away or giving in to schemes is not the solution. The first step to cope with the experience is first of all to become aware of its existence, and to recognize that relationships in the family are dysfunctional and the boundaries between family members have long been blurred. It is necessary to reject the function of comforter, substitute or caregiver that was imposed on you in childhood. Emotional entanglement in adulthood requires reaching out and understanding your needs and moving toward them.
You should give yourself time and space to understand who you are. You should find out what you really want, what you like and what kind of person you want to be outside of your relationship with your parents or other family members. People with an entanglement pattern may need help in reducing the influence of the people with whom they are entangled. In such a situation, it sometimes proves very important to begin the psychotherapeutic process….
The role of schema therapy in working on emotional entanglement schema
Schema therapy focuses on the area of relationships and unrealized needs from early experiences, challenges maladaptive patterns.
This form of therapy aims to help individuals:
- Understand their relationships with the people with whom they are entangled.
- Reduce the inner critic that causes guilt.
- Discover their own unique identity – including preferences, opinions, decisions, talents.
- Learn to set healthy boundaries with others, balancing security and autonomy.
If you notice behaviors in yourself and your loved ones that may indicate emotional entanglement, it’s worth reaching out for help and giving yourself the chance to be free and rediscover yourself and your own relationships.
Bibliography:
Gillian Heath , Helen Startup. CREATIVE METHODS IN SCHEMA THERAPY. Innovations in clinical practice. GWP 2023
The Wiley-Blackwell Handbook of Schema Therapy: Theory, Research, and Practice – Michiel van Vreeswijk, Jenny Broersen, and Marjon Nadort