Each of us wants close and kind people around us. However, sometimes unusual situations and behaviors arise in friendships that can make you feel uncomfortable or doubt yourself. This could mean that you are stuck in a toxic friendship, with a theoretically close person letting you down at many important moments for you. But how can you tell if problems with a friend are really a toxic relationship? What are its typical symptoms, how can you effectively end it, and are there ways to deal with its consequences?
What is a true friendship? Who is a friend?
When considering the nature of relationships, it is worth answering the question, what is friendship? It is usually defined as an enduring, long-term relationship that is based on values such as affection, loyalty and trust. It’s also the certainty of receiving support and understanding from a friend or acquaintance during difficult moments in life. Friendship can also mean something different for everyone, so it has many different facets. For some, it will be spending time together with similar interests and activities. For others, it will turn out to be an attraction of opposite characters. The most important thing is that it should be a healthy relationship, based on principles accepted by both parties. This means that its foundations should be sincerity and mutual respect. True friends are with you for better or worse, they support you, celebrate successes with you and comfort you in case of failure. It is with such a person that you want to share your secrets, small joys or everyday worries.
However, these qualities unfortunately do not appear in every friendship. Sometimes a friend becomes a person who disrupts happiness, takes away confidence and makes you feel bad. In such cases, these are said to be toxic friendships. They have a negative and destructive effect on a person and make him or her feel worse, as they often lower energy levels, impair a person’s mood and even his or her sense of security or self-esteem. So the simplest way to define a toxic friendship is as a toxic relationship in which one party feels bad about the actions of the other person.
Toxic friendship – symptoms. How does a toxic friend behave?
As you can see, everyone can encounter the phenomenon of toxic friendship in their lives, however, what is a toxic friendship? So it is worth knowing how to recognize such a person, and how to figure out that something in a particular relationship is not working as it should. There are several aspects you should pay attention to if you have problems with a friend and wonder if your friendship is healthy. Below is a characterization of the basic features of a maladaptive relationship.
Exploiting kindness
Friends want the best for each other, so they don’t hesitate when a close friend needs their help – they just give it. In a healthy relationship, this mechanism works both ways, so friends can rely on each other. In the case of a toxic friendship, however, it is often the case that only one person shows kindness and support to the other, while the other party reaps constant benefits without giving anything of themselves. In the case of such inequality, you can already talk about a toxic relationship, the friend takes advantage of your kindness. If someone constantly borrows money from you, asks you to give him a ride, store his belongings or other such favors, but then does not reciprocate them, or has problems, for example, with returning the loan (because he knows you will not claim it) – this is a signal that something is not right.
Jealousy in a friendship
A true friend understands that other people are also present in your life – partner, family, friends. In the case of a toxic relationship, instead of understanding there will be jealousy, for example, of the time, attention and commitment given to the other people, she may take offense and punish you for not being fully focused only on her. This is because a toxic person will not accept that she is not the most important person in your life and does not have you exclusively. He will show you his jealousy, envy and make reproaches in such a situation, which will eventually lead to tension between you. At some point, there may be manipulation on the part of your friend to discourage you from meeting new people and forming more friendships. Often, a toxic friend wants to put his or her best foot forward, always knows better and will tell the “truth about other people” to your friend, just to distance you from others.
Constant tension in the relationship
A healthy relationship should not involve perceived tension or anxiety, but this can be the case with a toxic friendship. If you feel stress or fear before talking to a friend, expecting unpleasant words or behavior, it’s a sign that the acquaintance is definitely not serving you. Maybe it’s time to think about why you feel this way and how to solve the problem?
Ignoring your needs
In a healthy relationship, people care about each other and care about making sure the other party feels good and lacks nothing. In a toxic friendship, such concern appears only on one side, while the other constantly ignores the needs of their friend or friend. A toxic friend may downplay your problems instead of amplifying them, and is often unable to listen, focusing only on herself. She demands that her own needs be met, often putting pressure on you and other loved ones. However, she fails to see that this willingness to talk should come from both sides, and she too should put in the effort to make her friends feel comfortable in her company. So if, for example, you refuse to go out with someone because you feel tired after a difficult day at work, and that person reacts with displeasure, this is a signal that something is not right between you.
Focusing attention only on yourself
In a friendship, everyone should be equal! Therefore, if you feel that in your relationship the other party focuses all the attention on himself, while you remain in his shadow, this could be a sign that something is wrong. This is the case in situations such as this one, when your friend never has time to talk about issues that are important to you, instead she constantly brings up her own issues and problems, demanding that you listen, support and engage. Perhaps your friend also never asks how you are doing? You feel a long-term loneliness in your relationship with your friend. Consider whether you want to continue this relationship in which you are only a spectator and in which there is no room for dedicated attention.
Lack of support in both successes and failures
Friends are there to support each other, both in your successes and in your more difficult moments. If your friend can’t share your joy over your accomplishments, seems to envy them to you, or expresses herself disparagingly about them (e.g., focusing on her own successes), this could be an indication that there is something toxic in your friendship. Likewise – if in case of problems he turns away from you, does not try to help you or at least be there for you, and instead clearly avoids the unpleasantness of your troubles, it is worth thinking about where this behavior is coming from.
Constant criticism
It is known that a true friend will tell you if you make a mistake, do something stupid, or if he perceives that you are making the wrong decision. However, honesty in friendship is different from constant criticism or cruel judgment. So if you feel that your friend always has something to reproach you for, doesn’t like anything you do and doesn’t approve of your resolutions, it could mean that you are stuck in an unhealthy, specific relationship. Unfortunately, a toxic friend can hurt by using nasty commentary in situations where you need reinforcement and support. On top of that, a toxic friend will also suggest that only by listening to her advice will you make good decisions. After all, she constantly cuts you down because she wants the best for you. Being in this position is bad for you, however, realizing this is difficult. Often a given friendship relationship is not zero-sum. You may be connected by the past or by good times. Remember, however, that criticism from a toxic friend, negativity is very bad for you and your self-esteem. It is a friend and enemy in one, it drags us down, will point out our mistakes instead of building us up and supporting us.
Lack of loyalty
Perhaps you have had a situation where you confided a secret to a friend or confided in her in secret at your meetings, and she told other people about it without any qualms? Such a lack of loyalty is another sign that you are stuck in a toxic friendship. Above all, this type of behavior makes you lose trust in the other party and feel that you can’t rely on her. Yet this is not what a true friendship should be about! You have the right to expect that your secrets or sensitive information about your life will not become the subject of gossip among your friend’s other friends or family.
Lack of respect for boundaries
Don’t want to tell your friend everything about meeting your new boyfriend? There are things you prefer to keep to yourself, and she insistently urges you to share them? This kind of nosiness and desire to participate in every aspect of your life can also be a sign that your relationship has begun to turn toxic. You have the right to set boundaries and respect them, as a good friend should know and understand.
With toxic relationships, there is also often a pattern in which one person becomes the victim and the other the rescuer. These roles are fluid – on a daily basis, your friend may portray herself as your rescuer, helping you every step of the way. However, the moment you point out her inappropriate behavior, she quickly becomes the victim. She then feels victimized by your accusations. After all, she was only trying to help you or merely wanted to share the course of her day with you. It’s easy in such a moment to feel like she’s to blame, like someone who misinterpreted the situation and created the conflict. You may also feel like you are exaggerating, overstating or dramatizing. As you can see, a toxic friend is a manipulative person, forcing what she wants on others, focused only on herself and her needs. In a relationship with her, there is no place for the other person, who only fulfills the function of a submissive, constantly forced to satisfy the needs of an egocentric friend.
So there are many symptoms by which you can recognize that you are stuck in a toxic relationship. On the Internet you can find and perform a test for a toxic friendship. Keep in mind, however, that it can only give you an indication of how you might interpret your acquaintance and its nature. A short questionnaire, however, may tip you off to the idea that perhaps not everything in your relationship with your friend is in the right place.
Don’t let them criticize and insult you. How to end a toxic friendship?
In case you find that you are stuck in an unhealthy relationship, you can start thinking about how to end a toxic friendship. However, this is not an easy task. This is because it requires a person to be assertive, decisive and able to communicate their needs and set boundaries. Once you know what you want, you can proceed. First of all, start by having a frank conversation with your friend and explaining to her what your relationship looks like from your perspective. Don’t be manipulated into putting yourself in the role of a victim again. Of course, you should also understand that the other party may not agree with your opinion. However, remember that you only take responsibility for yourself, your feelings and beliefs. So don’t act against yourself and your emotions. Clearly present the situation to your friend and explain the motives behind your decision. It is important that during this conversation you state all your objections to your relationship, so that the situation is clear to everyone, For the worst way to end a relationship is the so-called ghosting, which is simply cutting yourself off from others without a word of explanation. After such a conversation, you can determine together with your friend whether you want to work on common contacts, or, however, it is better to say goodbye and go your separate ways. Make sure to put yourself first and take care of your own needs first and foremost. It is worth ending this unhealthy relationship and regaining emotional freedom.
Toxic friend – consequences
Long-term persistence in a toxic friendship can unfortunately take a toll on your mental health and self-esteem. This is because such problems cause you to lower your mood, doubt your own worth or abilities. They also make you start neglecting yourself in favor of a demanding, self-centered friend. An unhealthy relationship is also sometimes the fuse through which additional mental health problems are activated, for example, neurosis, depression, lack of self-confidence or other disorders. It also causes severe stress, which has a devastating effect on mental and physical health. It is also difficult to trust people again and open up to other relationships after you have been traumatized and your trust and kindness have been painfully exploited by the toxin. So such a relationship can translate into the quality of your further personal life and interactions with other people. Many people lock themselves away, hoping that in this way they will prevent being hurt again. However, such a way of dealing with suffering can only cause further problems.
How to deal with the effects of a toxic friendship?
So the question arises – how to deal with the effects of a toxic friendship? First of all, it is worth considering what made it last so long. Why did you agree to such treatment, even though it had dire consequences for you? Maybe it was the fault of low self-esteem and the feeling that you didn’t deserve anything better? Or perhaps such symptoms appeared in you already after you broke off the relationship with the toxic person?
In such cases, it is worthwhile to get help, such as a psychologist or psychotherapist. A specialist will help you deal with the experience of a toxic friendship, understand what really happened in it, help you name the patterns of entering toxic relationships. If you are struggling with a worse mood, feel that you can’t cope with the wrongs that happened to you and are overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, then don’t wait until the problems become even more serious, come to therapy – online psychotherapy.
A toxic friendship, then, is a relationship in which forces are distributed unevenly and one party requires much more attention, commitment and care than the other, without reciprocating a similar contribution to the acquaintance. Above all, it is a friendship in which the natural proportions have been upset and where one party behaves in a disloyal manner toward the other, betraying her secrets, constantly criticizing her and not paying attention to her needs. Once you get out of such a relationship, you may need the help of a specialist to support you in sorting out your emotions and understanding what happened between you and your friend.