Attachment styles are the ways in which we interact with the people around us. These styles are developed in childhood, which are often duplicated in our adult relationships. Attachment style provides important information about why we may have difficulty forming meaningful bonds. Why are we afraid of closeness or why do we find it difficult to trust others? Often, understanding one’s own attachment style builds a new beginning for entering into deeper and safer relationships.
In this article, you’ll learn how to identify your attachment style and how identifying your style can help you build healthier relationships and break maladaptive patterns.
Attachment Theory. Attachment style – definition
Attachment theory was originally developed by John Bowlby in his book – John Bowlby “Maternal Care and Mental Health”. According to attachment theory, people have an innate need for attachment – the need for security, closeness and connection to others. To satisfy this need, infants rely on their caregivers to provide them with the necessary support and predictability during key developmental periods.
When the primary caregiver responds in an appropriate, adequate manner and is connected to their children’s needs, then children develop properly emotionally. However, when the caregiver fails to respond to the children’s needs, or responds selectively, the children develop serious emotional problems that have consequences in adulthood.
What is attachment?
Attachment is not a separate category or trait, but rather a pattern of ordered behavior in a relationship that is extended over time. Attachment allows a child to feel safe in unfamiliar surroundings, to move away from the caregiver, both physically and emotionally, and to explore the space around them.
The peculiarity of attachment is not manifested in the mutual relationship between the child and caregiver, but in the reactions to disturbances. A sense of security is expressed in the degree of confidence that the caregiver will be there for the child when needed. The caregiver will be available, responsive, able to repair the relationship and act in a predictable manner.
Types of attachment styles?
Attachment is a concept that describes how we form relationships with other people. To recognize our attachment, we need to understand how we build our relationships, how we behave in them and how they affect us. Through self-reflection, we can gain insight into what kind of attachment we experienced as children and what patterns we replicate in adult life.
Secure attachment style
A secure attachment style fosters independence and a desire to explore. The proximity of the parent does not limit autonomy, the child wants to engage in exploring the world, parenting fosters security and trust. This style can be described as an enduring emotionally significant bond with the parent. Closeness is associated with security and intimacy. The child feels free to express his emotional needs, and is not afraid to seek help when he needs it.
Avoidant attachment style. Anxious attachment style in a child
An insecure attachment is an anxious attachment or an avoidant attachment. The caregiver is rejecting controlling, in the face of foreseeable danger. The child changes behavior to reassure others.
As a result of emotional abuse, the child is reluctant to experience emotions and exploration of the environment comes at the expense of pursuing closeness. He inhibits negative emotions to avoid rejection and presents a defensive posture. Faced with insecurity in the attachment relationship, the child does not form a cognitively coherent coping strategy and hides his emotional states from others. The child becomes overly self-reliant and independent but is also sometimes compulsive and submissive. He or she modifies his or her behavior to please the parent or caregiver(the attachment figure) and thereby get his or her basic needs met.
Ambivalent attachment style in a child
Ambivalent attachment style, the child experiences the parent’s care inconsistently. Temperamentally, the child may have been an anxious infant who experienced negative emotions for long periods of time, expressively expressing fear. Extremely afraid of being disregarded or emotionally abandoned, he strives for closeness at the expense of exploratory activities. May have poor impulse control, experience uncontrollable stress all the time, over-stimulation, and may constantly show signs of distress and irritability. He shows a tendency to behave erratically, may be manipulative, sometimes behave aggressively, have mood swings, and have fits of hysteria. Trusts emotions more than thoughts. There is a tenuous link between his own behavior and the caregiver’s reaction. Consequently, he does not develop social competence and has little independence. The child presents an unstable and ambivalent attitude.
Disorganized attachment style in a child
The caregiver neglects and abuses the child. The caregiver is often addicted to stimulants, is unpredictable and aggressive, and may punish the child without providing a sense of security. Attachment is both a source of fear and security, because the child cannot anticipate danger, is constantly on guard. He is in a constant state of anxiety, highly aroused and emotionally unsettled. The child sometimes experiences sudden emotional inhibition, reacts poorly to pain, has unexpected tantrums.
How to build closeness? Attachment style in adulthood
Adult attachment styles characterize the ways in which we develop and maintain relationships with others. Our attachment style is shaped by our early experiences with caregivers and is largely responsible for how we interact in adulthood.
Attachment styles in adults fall into the following categories:
Security and Autonomy. Individuals are able to talk about their own experiences in attachment relationships, objectively and honestly, even if the experiences described are not positive. This group includes people who have built a secure relationship with their primary caregivers. They value relationships with people and are trusting and honest.
Observation and entanglement. People in this group are preoccupied with their dependence on their parents and are still actively trying to please them. They talk about their early years in an inconsistent and incoherent manner, and unresolved disputes from that time are still a problem. These people are characterized by passive anger, dependence and preoccupation with attachment figures.
Rejection and withdrawal. Representatives of this group usually describe their parents in a supportive spirit, but the memories they recall do not support these characteristics. Such individuals may not be able to recall their own experiences related to their caregivers, and may disregard relational aspects, considering them unimportant.
Disorganization. Individuals have experienced a traumatic separation from an attachment figure and have not gone through the grieving process, or have been victims of abuse and neglect. When they recall past events, they may lose control and the ability to think logically.
Attachment style in relationships
Attachment style is a key factor to consider when it comes to social relationships. It shapes the way people interact with their partners and can have a huge impact on the success or failure of a relationship. Understanding your own attachment style is an important step toward building close relationships.
Secure style in adulthood. People with a secure attachment style
People with a secure attachment style usually feel secure in their close relationships and trust their partners. A secure attachment style in adulthood is based on trust, respect and understanding. It encompasses a sense of security in the relationship while being able to express themselves openly without fear of judgment or rejection. This type of attachment can help create strong, healthy relationships.
People with a secure attachment style are able to regulate their emotions, can deal effectively with stress, have a high level of flexibility, and are therefore more resilient to a variety of unexpected situations.
People with a secure attachment style usually experienced consistent, sensitive and responsive care in childhood, which allowed them to develop healthy relational patterns. However, it is worth remembering that a secure attachment style can also be developed in adulthood through conscious work on oneself and one’s relationships.
Ambivalent attachment style in adulthood
An ambivalent attachment style is a type of attachment that is characterized by insecurity and fear of abandonment. People with this type of attachment often have difficulty trusting their partners and have difficulty expressing their feelings. They tend to be overly attached and needy, and may feel dependent on the other person but at the same time may fear closeness and reject or push their partner away when they feel they are too close. Ambivalent attachment often means avoiding closeness and intimacy in relationships, for fear of vulnerability and rejection. This ambivalent pattern can lead to a lot of anxiety and misunderstanding in a relationship.
People with an ambivalent attachment style have often experienced inconsistent or unpredictable care in childhood. As a result, they have learned that closeness is desirable but uncertain, leading to intense emotional reactions in relationships. They often experience intense emotions in relationships and have difficulty balancing closeness with independence. It is worth remembering that with the right support and self-work, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment style.
Avoidant attachment style in adulthood
People with an avoidant attachment style often have difficulty opening up to others, and may distance themselves from their partner. There are two subtypes: anxiety-avoidant and rejection-avoidant A person with an avoidant attachment style may have rigid and inflexible views of what is going on in the relationship. These individuals may be focused on negative emotions in the relationship, may be vindictive and hold grudges for a long time. In addition, these individuals tend to avoid intimacy because they feel uncomfortable with intimacy they did not recognize earlier in life.
People with an avoidant attachment style have often learned to rely mainly on themselves, which can lead to difficulties in building close relationships in adulthood. They have difficulty trusting and opening up and showing a side of their feelings and needs. They believe that when they expose themselves they will be disappointed and even more lonely.
Disorganized attachment style in adulthood
Disorganized attachment style, also known as is the most complex and potentially most destructive attachment style. It is characterized by a lack of a coherent strategy for coping with relationships and is often the result of traumatic childhood experiences.
In adulthood, a person with this attachment style will exhibit an emotionally unstable attitude, unable to meet his or her own and loved ones’ needs. A person with disorganized attachment usually faces many psychological difficulties, self-esteem is also sometimes low and unstable. He or she has a compulsive need to control those around them, thus trying to cope with the paradox of the dreaded attachment figure.
Within the chaos of her inner world, she develops a tenuous set of coping strategies, an essential part of which is control and distrust. Understanding one’s own disorganized attachment style is essential to developing healthy relationships with others, as it helps one become aware of one’s own attachment patterns and their potential negative consequences.
The impact of attachment style on adult life
Attachment styles formed in childhood have a significant impact on adult life, especially in the areas of interpersonal relationships and self-esteem. Research shows that a secure attachment style promotes development and leads to better relationships with others and more efficient development of social skills. In contrast, dysfunctional attachment styles can lead to symptoms of relationship disorders or relational trauma in adulthood.
Ambivalent attachment style, how to cope ?
For those with an ambivalent attachment style, it can often be a challenge to overcome feelings of insecurity and anxiety. The good news is that there are strategies that can be employed to help manage ambivalence and strive to build more positive relationships in the environment. Some people with an ambivalent attachment style may respond to feelings of threat or fear by shutting down. This strategy can be problematic because it prevents the person from experiencing the environment, increasing anxiety and sensitivity to rejection. They may be ambivalent about relationships, which can make it difficult to make decisions on an individual and relationship level. They often tend to be overly subservient in relationships, giving away too much power, having difficulty with boundaries.
It is important that these individuals receive the right amount of affirmation and support from loved ones in order to feel emotionally secure enough and experience closeness without fear and anxiety. One way to combat these difficulties is to use so-called pro-social strategies. Pro-social strategies include: spending time with loved ones who make you comfortable in a safe environment, or contacting family, friends and co-workers when you feel anxious and needy.
Identifying the area of your own boundaries, learning to express your emotions, and skills, related to assertiveness, are also important. A very important element is building your individual resources, increasing your level of self-efficacy, and becoming more in touch with your own needs.
It is also important to increase awareness of your triggers – what causes your anxiety, fear? What are you doing at the time, does what you are doing bring you closer or further away from others? If you are experiencing an ambivalent attachment style, cognitive-behavioral therapy or schema therapy may be helpful.
Avoidant attachment style, how to cope ?
If you identify with an avoidant attachment style, you probably have a low need for emotional intimacy, a tendency to break off relationships when they become too close. People with this type of attachment tend to fear intimacy because it has been confusing and destructive in their lives. This can lead people with an avoidant attachment style to emotionally distance themselves from their romantic partners or girlfriends. Avoiding intimacy causes feelings of long-term loneliness, anxiety and insecurity that are difficult to deal with. However, it is not impossible to overcome an avoidant attachment style.
First and foremost important, is to choose a partner who will legitimize your experiences. Showing your vulnerability, emotionality should always be done gradually. Start approaching people, telling them about your emotions and experiences. Corrective experiences of closeness with another person, it is worth noticing and enhancing, to gradually build trust and healthy attachment. Try to think about how you react when someone asks you for too much emotional intimacy. Think about how this behavior affects your needs and your relationship.
Disorganized attachment style, how to deal with it?
People with a disorganized attachment style are unable to form healthy, trusting relationships with other people. People who experience trauma have difficulty trusting even those closest to them and are easily overwhelmed in social situations.
It is very important to build a support network, not only within the relationship, but also outside of it. Anchor figures are people who provide security and stability in the face of stressors. They can be teachers, mentors who are able to provide support during difficult times and serve as a buffer against negative consequences. Individuals need to develop positive relationships with at least one anchor figure to learn healthy ways of being in relationships. A very important element is the experience of psychotherapy to work through traumas and gradually introduce healthier coping strategies.
Can you change your attachment style? Remember, despite sometimes difficult experiences, your style of entering a relationship can be made flexible and gradually changed. In adulthood, you can learn to communicate more effectively with others, creating healthier relationships with others, feeling calmer and more confident in them.
Source:
Bowlby.J. Attachment.Scientific Publishers PWN.2007.