Certainly, most people easily recognize aggression expressed directly and know that it is not condoned in most interpersonal relationships. However, the fact that certain behaviors are inappropriate is not always immediately identifiable. They sometimes take a less direct and more subtle form of violence. It happens that you see a person who seemingly does nothing wrong, is polite and nice, but after meetings with him or her you feel a distinct fatigue? Or do you dislike her for some reason, even though nothing has actually happened between you? All these could be symptoms of what is known as passive aggression. However, what exactly is it characterized by? How do you protect yourself from it if you are unable to recognize examples of abnormal behavior in the other person? What to do once you discover that someone is using passive aggression against you? Find out what faces passive aggression can take and what distinguishes this type of behavior.
What is passive aggression and how to recognize it?
What is passive aggression? It is usually defined as behavior in which the characteristics of passive resistance and aggression can be recognized at the same time. It is not usually shown directly, but can also become overt at some point. It is used both unconsciously and intentionally. Passive-aggressive behavior makes the person using it protect himself from the consequences of directly expressed aggression or anger. Thus, he hides his true intentions in order not to face the consequences, which is why it is sometimes difficult to recognize them immediately. This is where its danger lies. Veiled violence is less obvious than actual aggression, so sometimes you may be exposed to it for a long time and not notice it in your life. In the case of shouting, you immediately know to react, but if you are confronted with a passive form of aggressive behavior, it often hides behind polite behavior or even cordiality.
History of expressing aggression passively
Passive-aggression (passive-aggressive) first came to be defined during World War II. During this period, Colonel William C. Menninger observed in the military the reactions of men he described as submissive. At the time, they did not engage in overt rebellion against others, but used other mechanisms to express their dissatisfaction. These included stubbornness, resentment or even procrastination. Their actions in the performance of their duties did not achieve the intended results, which was then interpreted as their emotional immaturity. It was also thought to be a reaction to the stress of being in the military.
How to recognize passive-aggressive behavior?
You already know that passive-aggression is difficult to recognize, but it is very easy to experience it from others. How do you recognize passive-aggressive behavior if at first glance it looks like something completely different? Let’s look at a few types of statements and behaviors that are often used as methods for others to express passive aggression:
- sarcasm – mockery, derision or sarcasm work well in expressing passive-aggressive behavior. This is known as sticking pins. It involves making sarcastic remarks, sometimes that can provoke. Seemingly, they may be compliments, but they are further laced with a comment that negates any positive information.
- advice – sometimes people who use passive aggression as a mechanism for their behavior also resort to giving unwanted advice to others. In theory, these are given in good faith and are meant to help the other person, but they ultimately turn out to be hurtful and unpleasant.
- jokes – passive aggression also hides behind jokes and pranks. The person in question uses them to say something seemingly funny, but in the end his comment and the message of the statement in question are simply unpleasant for the recipient and may exclude him from the environment.
- guilt – a person who uses passive-aggressive behavior is able to lull the interlocutor into feeling guilty, for example, about decisions he or she has made or prescribe excessive responsibility.
- facial expressions and gestures – also non-verbal communication, such as a shrug of the shoulders or a sigh, for example, is sometimes used as a manifestation of passive-aggressive behavior. In this way, for example, a person can send a signal that he or she is disregarding his or her interlocutor.
However, the list of ways to use passive aggression does not end there. It also manifests itself in such behaviors as insulting the other person during an argument, for example, punishing him or her with silence for disagreeing with a situation, and ignoring his or her messages or emails at work. One of the strategies of people who use passive aggression is also putting themselves in the role of the victim. You then feel that you are complicit in their behavior, that it is a direct result of a mistake that you made. In this way, responsibility shifts to the party who is actually the actual victim of the whole situation. This occurs in the family, in romantic and friendship relationships, as well as in professional circumstances.
What are the causes of passive-aggressive behavior ?
What are actually the causes of passive-aggressive behavior. What causes a person to stop communicating with others directly? One reason for this is that a passive-aggressive person hides many of his own problems behind his behavior, with which he hurts others. So where does passive aggression come from? Nowadays, many people note that modern society strongly stigmatizes anger expressed directly and the display of one’s negative feelings. Such behaviors are subject to judgment, are not desirable, and we are rather expected to work through such emotions in silence and calm. This, in turn, can cause them to be suppressed and hidden. However, this is not a healthy and natural behavior. Consequently, many such emotions begin to evolve as people seek mechanisms for dealing with them. In this way, they evolve into passive aggression, which is much more accepted in society. This is because it allows people to avoid confronting real anger and dissatisfaction. It makes it possible to ignore them and pretend that everything is fine. Such solutions are also resorted to by people who are simply afraid to confront others when something does not go their way. This can be rooted, for example, in the fact that they want to feel liked and accepted, and expressing their anger could make them lose the sympathy of others. It is also linked to their inability to assertively tell someone “no” and set their own boundaries.
Sometimes passive aggression is also rooted in anxiety and cognitive dissonance, when a person becomes aware of his own anger or aggression expressed directly. Such a mechanism also allows the need for belonging to be satisfied. In contrast, expressed and worked through negative emotions provide an opportunity to strengthen one’s sense of independence and self-esteem.
Passive-aggressive behavior – examples. Passive aggression is a subtle form of aggression
To better understand what passive aggression actually is, it is good to know examples of it. It manifests itself, for example, in compliments with a second bottom, such as: “How good you look! Have you lost weight?”, “Great job, I didn’t expect one from someone with your education” and “You dressed nicely until I didn’t recognize you”. There will also be advice that sounds similar to: “Don’t be offended, but it would be better if you didn’t wear that cut of dresses” or “I feel that a black blouse would make you look slimmer.” Often there is also a sense of guilt, expressed with phrases like, “It’s great that you are planning an exotic vacation. I can’t afford them because I spend everything on vocational courses.” After an unpleasant comment, passive-aggressive people may throw in statements sounding like: “It’s just jokes!” or “You have no sense of humor at all.” They may also sigh, raise their eyebrows and shrug their shoulders when you communicate something important to them in your opinion or want their opinion on a topic important to you. This makes you feel disregarded and unimportant. Sometimes an example of passive aggression will be silence after an argument, ignoring your attempts to make contact or making you feel guilty if you openly show your displeasure about their behavior.
Passive aggression in men
The problem of passive aggression affects both sexes, but it seems to take a special turn with men. This is because they are often raised according to a pattern in which aggression, force and violence are a sign of their masculinity and are sometimes even expected by others. Meanwhile, the image of the ideal man is changing with the times, and there is now increasing talk of toxic masculinity and of ridding overt displays of anger and aggression from one’s behavior. This combination of old trappings and modern approaches ultimately results in passive-aggressive behavior. Thus, passive aggression in men o often a response to society’s uncombinable expectations of their behavior.
Through such circumstances, men reach for mechanisms that have been stereotypically attributed to women until now. These will be manipulation, malice, sarcasm or precisely passive aggression, which allows them to try to express somehow the negative emotions gradually building up in them. Since there is no longer consent to show their anger openly, men are thus stuck in an impasse due to the outdated patterns handed down to them and the modern demands placed on them by their environment.
Passive aggression at work – what does it look like?
One of the areas where passive-aggressive behavior is often used is in professional and professional interactions. Passive aggression in the workplace is a phenomenon in which individuals express their dissatisfaction, frustration or hostility in an indirect, covert or camouflaged manner. Passive aggression at work can be caused, for example, by a co-worker’s low self-esteem, his or her fear of rejection by the group and work-related environment, an attempt to relieve growing frustration over, for example, a position and salary below competence, to get rid of the negative emotions that other employees cause in them, or for many other reasons. Sometimes this person doesn’t even realize their own negative emotions and that they are unloading them on you through toxic behavior in the workplace.
Examples of passive aggression in the workplace can include:
- Passive-aggressive remarks. A person may intentionally express scathing remarks, sarcasm or irony that are hidden under seemingly innocent comments. These may include critical remarks at meetings or in informal conversations that are intended to humiliate others.
- Manipulation of information. A person may deliberately withhold important information needed for the work of others, or provide it incompletely. This can lead to obstruction of other employees’ tasks or cause them to make mistakes.
- Sabotage. An employee may intentionally impede the work of others by delaying the delivery of needed materials, ignoring their requests for help or mismanaging resources. This can lead to delays in projects or loss of efficiency in teamwork.
- Silence. A person may neglect to communicate with other team members or ignore their questions, suggestions or requests. This can make others feel misunderstood or left out.
- Gossip. An employee may spread negative rumors about others in the workplace, damaging their image or reputation. This can lead to increased interpersonal tensions and hinder team relationships.
How does passive aggression manifest itself in a relationship?
Sometimes passive aggression also appears in a marriage or partnership. The partner then takes it out on the other person for similar reasons as at work or in other relationships. Thus, passive-aggressive behavior can be caused by anxiety, frustration, fear of expressing negative emotions directly or due to a lack of working through other problems. Such action, however, is very hurtful and, therefore, may even become the reason for the breakup of a relationship or the decision to divorce. This is because such a person seeks to harm or cause annoyance to his beloved, instead of giving him unconditional support or showing love. Quarrels, manipulation, quiet days and other destructive behavior creep into the relationship, affecting loneliness in the relationship.
In such a situation, it is necessary to talk frankly with the partner and make him aware of the harming and destructive relationship mechanisms he uses daily. Changing passive-aggressive behavior requires a great deal of work, but it is possible. It will be necessary to recognize the patterns used by the partner, outline boundaries and strictly guard them. In some cases, it will also be necessary to visit a therapist’s office or get psychological support. However, if the toxic husband or partner has no intention of working on himself, sometimes the only solution, unfortunately, is to break up and save yourself. Passive aggression in a relationship is a very serious problem that can spill over into different areas.
Passive aggression among family members
Unfortunately, passive-aggressive behavior also takes place among those closest to you, i.e. the family you would like to rely on unconditionally. Passive aggression by a mother, sister or father is just as painful as it is with a partner or co-worker. Here, too, it is necessary to start by recognizing the patterns used and having a frank conversation about them. Therapy may also become necessary, but family members must be willing to participate. It also happens that passive aggression can sometimes be the reason for a break in family relations, when adult children do not want to continue to be victims, and, for example, the toxic mother does not see the problem and has no intention of changing her behavior.
Passive aggression by the mother-in-law is also a difficult situation, especially if the spouse does not see it. It can appear, for example, in relation to a disliked daughter-in-law who “stole” the woman’s beloved son. At such a time, it is very important to support the husband, who should, together with his wife, form a single front against such toxic behavior of a mother-in-law who is unable to confront her emotions and abide in a healthy relationship with her own son.
How to deal with passive aggression?
Experiencing passive aggression from others can take a very negative toll on your well-being and self-esteem. Sometimes it becomes the source of such problems and conditions as masked depression or neurosis. So if you’re experiencing something like this, it’s best to start countering it as soon as possible to limit its destructive effects. Just knowing that someone is using passive aggression against you can be liberating from its influence and have a positive effect on your mood. This is because you know that you are not the one to blame for the behavior.
The next step may be to have a frank conversation and explain to the passive-aggressive person that her behavior is not okay and you feel bad about it. This is also the perfect time to set boundaries for her and indicate what remarks, comments or actions you do not wish to see in your relationship. Also, suggest that perhaps seeing a psychotherapist or psychologist would help her get a grip on her own emotions and let go of harmful patterns. Perhaps this will allow your interlocutor to realize that she is using toxic mechanisms against others and this will become a reason for her to work on herself. As a last resort, if you do not succeed in making the person change his behavior, then – if possible – it may be necessary to break acquaintance with such a person or even change jobs to free yourself from his influence. You can also report his behavior to your superiors. Remember to protect yourself first and foremost in such a situation and not to take responsibility for other people’s problems.
Dealing with passive aggression from others in the workplace
To deal with passive aggression, keep in mind a few key aspects.
- Become aware of the offending situation for you. Recognizing subtle signs, comments or behaviors that are aggressive in nature will help you better understand the situation and focus on ways to resolve it.
- Maintain professionalism: It is important to maintain professionalism and not respond to aggression in the same way. Avoid escalating the situation and try to remain calm and control your emotions.
- Communication: Confront the person who shows passive aggression in a constructive and direct manner. Express your concerns or dissatisfaction in a clear and understandable way. Ask questions to better understand the other party’s intentions and seek common solutions.
- Establish boundaries. Clearly define your boundaries and expectations of others. If someone violates your boundaries or uses passive aggression, make it clear and firm.
- Seeking support. If the situation worsens or you can’t handle it on your own, seek support from within the organization. Report the problem to your supervisor, HR or other trusted people who can help resolve the situation. You can also enlist the help of a professional for online psychotherapy and online coaching.
- Develop interpersonal skills: Work on developing your interpersonal skills, such as assertiveness and constructive communication. These skills can help you deal more effectively with aggressive behavior from others.
- Take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Work on reducing stress, find support among loved ones, and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Remember that you are not the one responsible for this type of behavior. Start acting, your active response will change your position, don’t be afraid of the consequences. You experience the worst consequences when you don’t react.