Red flag, red flag in a relationship – how to recognize?

When we enter a new relationship, we dream that everything will work out like a fairy tale. We want to build something beautiful; something that will stand the test of time and meet all our expectations. Unfortunately, sometimes despite our good intentions, red flags appear on the horizon. These are warnings that call out to us: “Attention, something is wrong!”. How do we recognize them and how to respond to them appropriately?

What does red flag mean?

Red flags are alarm signals in a partner’s behavior. Let’s treat them as warnings that are not worth ignoring. Their occurrence should arouse our vigilance and make us think where the relationship is going and is there a way to get it back on track?

Red flags in many cases appear very early in the relationship. Sometimes, however, we discover them even if the first few months of meeting have gone well. Such signals are sometimes difficult to pick up, but once they are spotted, they are not worth ignoring.

10 examples of red flags in a relationship

What behaviors of a partner should worry you?

1. Outbursts of anger caused by excessive jealousy.
2. Ignoring your needs and belittling your opinion as if it were less important.
3. Manipulation – your partner uses a variety of techniques to get you to act the way he thinks.
4. Lack of trust, morbid jealousy – constant suspicion of infidelity and looking for evidence of dishonesty.
5. Lack of honest communication – lies, deception, hiding important information about your life.
6. Attempts to force submission – taking away space for dialogue, discussion, joint decision-making.
7. Showing disrespect, insulting, provoking arguments, humiliating, unfounded criticism.
8. Gaslighting – using manipulation to create uncertainty about one’s assessment of reality.
9. Attempts to control (e.g., clothing, number of outings with friends, hours of return home, checking phone) and limiting contacts with other people.
10. Lack of emotional support – negligible interest in current problems, partner distances himself instead of listening and showing concern.

These are ten examples that show what red flags can look like in men. However, there can be many more such behaviors. Your attention should be drawn to situations in which your partner behaves in a way that offends you, embarrasses you and makes you uncomfortable.

What words of your partner should arouse your vigilance?

• You always just exaggerate!
• You look hopeless.
• What you think doesn’t count.
• You always make a drama out of nothing.
• You can’t even manage without me.
• You shouldn’t paint yourself so hard.
• No one else can talk to you.
• You don’t need anyone but me.
• No one will ever love you like I do.
• Your hobbies are just a waste of time.
• Don’t dress like this, what do you look like?
• You act so stupid that I am ashamed of you.
• Did you think of something again and annoy me?
• Surely you cheat on me whenever you leave the house.
• I love you so much that I have to have you all to myself.
• You are just making something up, maybe there is something wrong with you?
• Your work doesn’t count, I’m the one in a serious position.
• You don’t need to dress up like this, because no one will pay attention to you anyway.
• I can’t listen to you anymore, you’d better sit quietly around my friends.
• Your friends are not suitable for you. Find better ones.
• Who is calling you again? You are probably just waiting to answer from your lover.
• Your family always just interferes unnecessarily, let them finally give us a break.
• You are supposed to answer from me every time I call. No matter what you do, you are supposed to answer!
• Since you don’t want to show me the message on your phone, it means you don’t care about me at all.
• I don’t want you to go out without me. How will I manage when you’re gone for the whole evening?

Toxic relationship in a relationship – does it have to be the end?

Do you see that your partner has a lot of“red flags” and the relationship is not going in the right direction? Does this mean that the only way out is to break up as soon as possible and cut yourself off from the toxic?

A toxic relationship in a relationship does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, but it does require taking concrete steps to improve the situation. It is important to understand what is making the relationship toxic and take steps to make changes.

Each situation is individual and it is impossible to consider them all in the same way. Much depends on your attitude, the type of toxic behavior, the duration of your relationship and whether your partner is willing to put in the effort to work on himself.

It is crucial that the relationship is based on mutual respect, understanding and support. However, if one party is not ready to change or the situation is too difficult to repair, ending the relationship may be the best solution for the well-being of both people.

What is important is that you make the decision yourself. Sometimes it turns out to be better to leave the red flags behind, move on and look for another person to create a happy relationship. Sometimes, however, it is the decision to stay and go the long way with your partner toward change and new ways of dealing with emotions that proves successful.

Red flag – how to cope?

Recognizing a red flag is one thing. But how to react in such a situation? After all, just noticing a disturbing signal will not make it go away. So how can we behave the moment we notice toxic behavior?

1. Think about how you feel about it.

Analyze how you feel about the situation and what you need. You don’t have to turn a blind eye to what is uncomfortable for you. Don’t try to explain your partner’s behavior and wonder what could have caused it. Focus your attention on yourself and what reactions, feelings and thoughts are stirring within you.

What exactly did your partner do?
What are the consequences for the relationship of his behavior?
Is this the first time he has acted this way?
How do you feel about it?

Think about yourself. Think about what emotions arose in you when you noticed a red flag in your partner. Did it cause any changes in your body? Did you feel nervousness and a wave of heat flooded you, you were overwhelmed by anxiety and your head hurt?

What are you afraid of?
Are you worried that this behavior will happen again in the future?

2. Be attentive.

Red flags are not always huge banners that can be seen from a distance. Sometimes they are small flags, which, however, appear more and more over time. If, after spotting the first one, you are not sure whether you should take any steps, wait.

However, be attentive. Observe how your partner behaves toward you. You may find that more disturbing behavior will soon catch your eye. You will then know that something wrong is going on – something that requires you to react.

3. Talk to.

This is a point that seems very simple – but for many of us it is so only on the surface. In fact, honestly admitting to your partner that you don’t like something about his behavior can be a huge challenge. You may fear his reaction, a potential argument or so-called “quiet days.”

Avoiding conversation, although it seems “more comfortable” now, will nevertheless bring a lot of damage in the future. Piled up problems and lack of communication between partners will make disappointment and anger settle in the relationship for good. It is better to pay attention to emerging difficulties right away, rather than wait until they completely permeate the relationship and lead to its collapse.

What if the partner does not want to talk? What if he reacts with anger, starts belittling the situation or tries to put all the blame on you? Remember that this is valuable feedback. This way you will get to know how he reacts when unpleasant topics appear on the horizon and how he tries to solve the problems that form between you. If there is no willingness on his part to act or strive to clarify difficulties, it is worth considering where the relationship is going.

4. Find time for yourself and think about the current situation.

Think for a long while about your relationship and how you evaluate its functioning. Consider:

– do I want to be in a relationship with this particular person?

– do I feel safe with her in the relationship?

– what can I gain and what can I lose by choosing to stay in this relationship?

– do I want to work on this relationship and does my partner want to as well?

– do I see a real chance that we can overcome difficulties and develop healthy ways of communicating?

Imagine what you would like your life to look like in a few years. Is it possible that this is the partner you will then form a successful relationship with? Do you think he or she will be able to meet your needs in the long run and give you what you are looking for in a romantic relationship?

Such reflections are not at all easy. They can make you realize what you are missing, what you are concerned about, and whether you see a spark of hope. But while they are challenging, they are also extremely necessary, it is through them that you can move forward.

5. Make it clear.

If you want to really commit to improving your relationship and developing healthy communication and coping strategies in it, you need to openly tell your partner. What’s more, in order to act, you also need his or her willingness. If it turns out that you are the only one who wants to devote time and energy to fixing the relationship, you won’t be able to do much, despite your sincerest intentions.

In a relationship you need to act “in partnership” – overcoming difficulties together, listening to each other and taking into account each other’s needs. If one person tries very hard, and the other “all the same”, nothing will change. So make it clear to your partner – either you both will work on the relationship, or you will have to rethink whether it is worth continuing the acquaintance.

6. Seek outside help.

Asking for help is not at all a sign of weakness. In fact, it’s a sign of strength – that you care, that you want good for your relationship and that you are looking for new solutions for it. Even if you both care about making a difference in the relationship, it won’t always be possible to fix things on your own. It can be helpful here to turn to a specialist who will look at the problems consuming your relationship and show you tools to improve communication, resolve conflicts and rebuild mutual trust.

Red flags in a relationship. How do patterns affect our relationships?

Schemas are deeply ingrained beliefs about ourselves. They make us see ourselves and others in a particular way. When they are maladaptive, they get in the way of creating healthy and secure relationships. The role of schemas in relationships is revealed primarily in the misinterpretation of various everyday events, which leads to misunderstandings between partners.

We can divide schemas into five areas. These are:

1. The area of disconnection and rejection – related to unmet needs for love and belonging during childhood and adolescence. It makes it difficult to build healthy, satisfying relationships.
2. Area of impaired autonomy and lack of achievement – characterized by difficulties in separating from the family of origin, becoming independent and making their own life decisions.
3. Area of damaged boundaries – people using the patterns from this area are described as irresponsible and carefree. They are unable to fulfill assigned responsibilities, cooperate and adapt to the rules in place.
4. The area of targeting others – involves a strenuous desire to meet others’ expectations and maintain relationships at all costs. It leads to sacrificing oneself for others and pushing one’s own needs into the background.
5. Area of excessive vigilance and inhibition – people who follow patterns from this area excessively inhibit their behavior. They try never to show emotion, constantly criticize themselves, and pay attention primarily to the negative in their daily life.

Possessive patterns affect many aspects of life, including the formation of romantic relationships. They can underlie a partner’s toxic behavior, and explain why we tend to enter and stay in relationships with “red flags.” For example, we may follow a pattern that leads us to maintain the relationship at all costs for fear of being lonely.

Fortunately, schemas don’t have to rule your entire life. You can heal them and start fulfilling your needs in a relationship. Schema therapy helps break maladaptive patterns. The goal of schema therapy is to identify and modify dysfunctional patterns and modes that affect the patient’s current life. The therapist works with the patient to identify these patterns, understand their origins and learn new, more adaptive ways of coping and meeting their emotional needs, especially in love relationships.

Bibliography:

Young, J.E., Klosko, J.S., Weishaar, M.E. (2014). Schema therapy. A practitioner’s guide, Gdańsk: Gdańsk Psychological Publishing House.