Who is a narcissist? Perhaps examples of people close to us, characters from movies or specific literary heroes come to mind now. Even if we can’t recall a professional definition of narcissism, most of us know what it is characterized by. The topic of narcissistic behavior is often discussed these days, and we have probably come across it many times (not only when reading psychological publications). However, not much is said about the opposite of the narcissist – the echoist. Who is he and why do we usually find him very close to a narcissist?
Mythological roots – the opposite of the narcissist. What is an echoist?
The name “echoism” refers to the Greek myth of Narcissus and the echo. While the character of a young man of uncommon beauty, indifferent to the feelings he has for him and in love with himself is well-known, the nymph Echo, who appears in the story, seemed to have receded into the background. The unhappily in love Echo, once cheerful and chatty, met a divine punishment. In a split second she lost her voice – she could only repeat the last words she heard. To speak, she became dependent on others. Seeing that she was ridiculed by Narcissus through the curse, she sank into sadness and despair until she faded away completely. Her greatest suffering was not the loss of her voice itself, but the rejection and humiliation she suffered from her beloved. She subordinated her entire life to Narcissus, and he led to her doom.
The relatively new and not yet very popular term “echoism” refers to a type of person whose behavior may bring to mind the mythical Echo, who has no voice of her own. The echoist, withdrawing and removing himself into the shadows, also cannot be heard. What’s more, it usually turns out that narcissism plays a significant role in this case as well…
An echoist devoid of a voice. How to recognize an echoist?
An echoist is a person who is characterized by the abandonment of his needs. It is accompanied by fear of being noticed. He refuses to pursue his own desires and prefers to submit to others. The author of the book “Rethinking Narcissism,” clinical psychologist Craig Malkin, also points out that the echoist fears standing out in any area. This attitude leads him or her to avoid standing apart from the rest at all costs. Having greater achievements and being noticed is seen by the echoist as a risk of being accused of narcissism. Not wanting to be perceived as self-obsessed, he does not speak up for himself and does not want to be heard. Here we have a paradox: the complete opposite of a narcissist is afraid of being perceived as a narcissist!
An echoist attitude, a fear of being noticed
Echoist behavior is most often noticed in women, just as narcissism predominates in men. However, this does not mean that there are no echoists and narcissists – the inverse simply occurs less frequently.
We can distinguish a number of traits and behaviors that describe an echoist. All of them affect how he functions on a daily basis and how he perceives the reality around him.
Underestimation of self
An echoist is characterized by very high empathy and sensitivity. He can be described as caring and eager to help solve other people’s problems. While absorbing himself endlessly in serving others, however, he forgets that he too should be important. He notoriously puts himself in a subordinate position, putting the needs and desires of others first. He is at everyone’s beck and call and fulfills other people’s wishes, completely marginalizing himself in the process.
Overlooking his own needs
Linked to the aforementioned trait is also the belief that one should ignore one’s own needs. To focus on the needs of others is the echoist’s job in interpersonal relationships. The echoist does not want to be perceived as too self-focused, which is what he believes would result from showing others that he has desires, goals and needs. He therefore prefers to hide them, while proving that he is not arrogant. He is driven by the thinking that “others need (warmth, attention, love, closeness), but I don’t.” This kind of thinking can be related to a belief in invalidity and undeservingness. In schema therapy, this will be the pattern, called as emotional deprivation.
The spiral of internal conflicts
The echoist often realizes that he has problems. When what is happening around him overwhelms him, he experiences internal conflicts. He may try to deal with them on his own, trying to be heard and noticed. He strives to establish his own boundaries and set goals. However, when it turns out that achieving what he intended meets with difficulties, he lets go. He is not helped by low self-esteem, which adds to insecurity and breeds anxiety. The inability to achieve certain goals fuels the emergence of further conflicts and the circle closes.
Sacrificing oneself
Caring for others is definitely not perceived by us as a bad trait. However, if caring goes too far and a person neglects himself at the expense of helping, it is devastating to him. Such a person only wants to give, but not to get anything. He sacrifices himself, his ideals, needs and dreams, focusing excessively on his surroundings. It then comes to a situation where the center of his interest is others, and he plays a secondary role for himself. The echoist is then unable to take care of himself properly, and his physical and mental well-being suffers. Each of us should be able to see the line between helping and over-serving the other individuals. This is what is missing from the self-sacrificing echoist, who at some point realizes that he no longer lives for himself, but for others.
Avoiding help like a fire
Another characteristic is the avoidance of situations in which it would prove necessary to ask others for help. Although the echoist wants to care for loved ones and give them as much as possible, he himself cannot imagine being in need. However, there are times in life when we can’t take care of everything ourselves and simply have to ask for support. The echoist, however, doesn’t want to fully let this thought sink in, resulting in dysfunction. This is accompanied by the emergence of negative emotions. Getting even a little help here seems to mean showing one’s own powerlessness – although weakness is not what an echoist would call the opposite situation, when it is others who ask him for a favor.
Remaining unnoticed
The echoist’s problem is also the fear of feeling special. This is another manifestation of the obsessive fear of being considered a narcissist. The perception is that the echoist will be considered selfish if he realizes and appreciates his own achievements. Thus, he belittles his own deeds and views the excellent results he has earned as insufficient and insignificant. He keeps to himself and mostly goes unnoticed. He avoids focusing attention and hates being the center of it. If a situation arises in which he finds himself the source of attention, he feels guilty for a long time.
Dependence on others and passivity
The echoist submits to others and sees his own opinions as less significant. He has problems with assertiveness and does not stand up for his opinion. Making his own decisions and speaking his mind is a huge challenge for him. He prefers to give up the initiative and remain passive – after all, his own decision might not be met with a positive response. It’s safer for him to give up having his own opinion, because it’s easier to please others that way. He is easily manipulated and dragged to his side, which is eagerly exploited by the narcissist present next door.
When opposites attract… The relationship between a narcissist and an echoist
Echoist-narcissist relationships are very common. Why do these two types associate with each other so often? Because they complement each other – they fit like two pieces of a puzzle. Being each other’s opposites, they are able to form a complementary relationship: the echoist gives way and relinquishes his own space, and that space is occupied and filled by the narcissist. One side feeds the other with adoration and obedience, while the other allows the other to hide in a safe shadow and not come out of it.
The relationship between narcissist and echoist is based on opposite behavior. The echoist – submissive, endlessly sacrificing needs and feeling less valuable – has a dominant, exploitative and self-centered narcissist by his side. Mainly in the context of a relationship, however, it is important to note that echoists enter such an unequal relationship because he finds refuge in it. By the side of a narcissist, she can submit and sacrifice herself without having to consider her own needs. On the surface, this can pass for a perfect combination, but it should be remembered that this is a relationship built on the disorders present in both parties. If one party only gives and the other only takes, the basic proportions of the relationship are disturbed. Too much focus on the other person is not healthy, nor is too much focus on oneself.
Echoism and Narcissism. How to break the pattern in a relationship?
Is it possible for an echoist to improve his functioning and change ingrained patterns? Of course, because although it is a long and winding road, it leads to turning towards yourself and reclaiming your own space. It’s always a good time to start making changes and to fight for ourselves. After all, our life is one of constant development, and as a result, even behavioral patterns or beliefs that have been repeated for years can be modified. By constantly overlooking your own needs, you can lose a part of yourself, but it’s never too late to get it back. If you are an echoist, remember – you don’t have to be just an echo of a narcissist. The following tips are aimed at you.
Set boundaries
Realizing that you don’t have to agree to everything is a big step toward change. Saying “no” even to those closest to us, if what they are asking for is not in line with our beliefs or is a heavy burden for us at the time, is not a bad thing. Being able to say “no” and set our own boundaries is not a way to wall ourselves off from others and offend them, but a way to take care of ourselves and feel better about ourselves. Even if putting up boundaries seems like an insurmountable challenge at first, gradually you can learn to do it effectively.
Remember your uniqueness
It’s worth thinking of yourself as a unique individual with your own aspirations. What makes you an interesting person? What have you been able to achieve? What are you good at? Finding answers to these questions and creating a list of things you can be proud of will help make you aware of your uniqueness. To expand the list, you can ask close people and friends. They are sure to toss you something you wouldn’t have come up with on your own. Remember that everything counts, even the smallest things.
Be on top of things
If you only make sacrifices for others throughout your life, at some point you will reach a breaking point. When you burn out, you will no longer be able to take care of others or yourself. So don’t drive yourself to a state of exhaustion, and remember that even with small gestures you can show love to yourself every day. Take care of yourself by making small changes and habits in your daily life that will allow you to take a break. Show yourself that you are important and that you deserve a break or a small pleasure. Also remember that what you think and feel is important. You deserve love, respect and a sense of security.
Take an example… from a narcissist
One of the biggest fears of an echoist is the vision of becoming a nar cissist and deviating from one’s established style of functioning. However, it’s worth remembering that not only having a significantly inflated self-esteem is associated with problems – so it’s not worth going to extremes and underestimating it extremely. The right amount of narcissism will give you balance. Not only will it help you cope better, but it will make you feel more confident in dealing with others and increase your self-esteem. A healthy dose of narcissism will help you regain your balance and allow you to put yourself above others in certain situations. You don’t have to subordinate your entire life and give up everything that is important to you, weakening yourself in the process.
Professional help – Schema therapy
Working with a therapist can play a key role in dealing with patterns and patterns of echoism that have been perpetuated over the years. Echoism can stem from living for many years alongside a narcissistic partner and being regularly abused. It also often has origins in childhood and is an accepted reaction to suppressing one’s own emotional needs. If a child’s personal needs are actively rejected from an early age, she gradually learns to live in silence and not be disturbed. In other words: she learns how to become a person always in the background.
Schema therapy focuses on uncovering abnormal behavioral patterns and investigating the reasons for such reactions. Participation in the therapeutic process is a chance to get to the root of echoic behavior and work on one’s own beliefs. Change in this area can lead to far-reaching transformation, translating into more effective functioning. Working with a professional also often focuses on raising self-esteem. This allows the echoist to understand that he or she deserves to have others consider his or her needs – to be seen and heard. The narcissistic partner and his or her interactions with the client are also taken into account in the helping process.
Any impetus for change is good. Remember, you don’t have to remain in the shadow of the narcissist all your life, repeating Echo’s tragic story, so to speak.