Bereavement is a universal experience; most of us have experienced the death of a family member, partner, friend or beloved pet at some point in our lives. Grief is a natural reaction to loss and can manifest itself in many different ways, including sadness, a sense of emptiness, pain, loneliness and anger. Find out what bereavement is and how to survive this difficult time?
What is mourning ?
Mourning is an emotional process that is experienced after the loss of someone who was important in our lives. This could be a family member, friend, life partner or our beloved pet.
There is no “normal” way to experience mourning, there is a very wide range of experiencing loss. Bereavement, is stereotypically associated as sadness or a state of depression, however, it is a much more multidimensional experience that can include: anger, relief, anxiety, a sense of numbness, fear, impatience.
Grief over loss
Mourning is a state of loss, grief after loss is emotional suffering associated with loss. Grief is often associated with mourning the loss, or the rituals associated with remembering an important being. Grief comes unexpectedly, coming in waves, sometimes when you least expect them, such as when you walk past a favorite store, look out the window, hear a song on the radio, or when you just go to bed. Grief leaves you with strong emotions against which you feel helpless.
A grieving person – symptoms of bereavement
Psychological dimension
- Your memory has suddenly become foggy, you often feel the unreality of your reality. e.g. you are walking down the road and do not know where you are or where you are going.
- You are afraid you will go crazy from the rush of thoughts and emotions.
- You discover that memories are constantly replayed in your mind, you process over and over again what has happened.
- You discover that your belief system, your set of values is being questioned.
- You return to your professional work, but find that your mind wanders and you find it difficult to concentrate. You read the same paragraph over and over again, trying to understand what is written.
- Often others seem distant to you. You feel like they don’t understand you and their words that “this will eventually pass” anger you and shut you down.
Emotional dimension
- You feel great sadness as you struggle with the idea that everything important to you has been taken away from you. Your future is uncertain and nothing can fix it.
- You long for the five minutes, hours, days spent with your loved one or pet, to be able to tell them of your love, to touch and hug them once again.
- You are filled with anger, complaining about injustice.
- A sense of guilt comes over you as you blame yourself for the death. Rationally you know that you are not to blame – you would certainly have saved the lost person or animal if you had had the chance.
Behavioral dimensions
- Things you enjoyed doing and that seemed so important before now seem meaningless.
- Fleeting thoughts of pleasurable activities trigger feelings of guilt.
- There is frequent disorganization of your daily rhythm and your daily routines.
- You fall into crying frequently, in the least expected situations.
- You feel constantly tired, despite the fact that you do little action.
- Your appetite has disappeared or you overeat.
- You may withdraw from social life, you don’t feel like meeting family, relatives.
- You have trouble sleeping, suffer from insomnia, or wake up frequently, feeling tired.
Feelings of guilt after the death of a loved one
Feeling guilt after losing a loved one is a natural reaction that many of us experience during the grieving phase. Feelings of guilt may be related to the fact that you have difficulty accepting that you could not do anything to change this painful situation. You may feel that you should have done something differently to avoid the death of a loved one, or that you failed in some other way.
It is important to understand that guilt is part of the natural grieving process, and that this emotion does not imply actual responsibility for the death of a loved one. Above all, it is important to realize that you cannot control everything and that you are not to blame for this loss.
Remember that there was nothing you could have done.Taking responsibility for something that was not in your power is wrong and does not lead to anything good.
How long does mourning last?
The course of mourning is an individual experience and does not have a strict duration. Each bereaved person experiences loss differently, depending on many, various factors, such as the type of relationship with the deceased person or animal, the circumstances of the death, your individual personality traits, your own life history, your experience of loss in the past, support from family and friends, and your ability to express your painful experiences.
Some people are able to work through their grief in a few months, while others need several years. It is important to allow yourself to process the loss at your own pace.
However, if you are still experiencing significant difficulty functioning and dealing with the emotions associated with the loss after about six months, you may need psychological support or psychotherapy. A therapist will help you tame difficult emotions and guide you through a period of mourning that will allow you to return to more adaptive functioning. For professional help with the grieving process, schedule an appointment – psychotherapy online.
Unworked bereavement, a pathological way of experiencing loss
Unworked mourning, or blocked mourning, is a situation in which a person experiencing the loss of a loved one is unable to express his feelings and emotions associated with the event.
This can be due to a variety of reasons, such as suppression of emotions, blocking of grief, difficulty in expressing emotions and refraining from emotional expression, constant denial of what happened, lack of emotional support among loved ones, avoidance of thinking about the deceased, or conflicts within the family.
Possible consequences of unprocessed mourning:
- Emotional problems. Unworked bereavement after the death of a loved one can lead to various emotional problems and difficulties in daily functioning, such as depression, anxiety, anger, difficulty concentrating, feelings of loneliness or lack of hope.
- Relationship problems. A person who cannot cope with bereavement may have difficulty establishing and maintaining close relationships with other people.
- Physical problems. An unprocessed bereavement can affect physical health, leading to problems such as headaches, muscle aches, heart or immune system problems (somatic symptoms).
- Addiction. Some people experiencing loss may try to cope with difficult experiences through excessive use of alcohol, drugs or other psychoactive substances.
Stages of mourning, the grieving process
The theory of mourning developed by Elsa Kubler-Ross, also known as the five stages of mourning theory, describes the emotional process of people who experience the loss of a loved one. According to the bereavement theory, the mourning process consists of five stages: denial, anger, negotiation, depression and acceptance. Some of these individual stages can be experienced repeatedly over several months. For example, the denial phase may occur at the very beginning, when we learn of the death, as well as a few days later, during the funeral. It is worth remembering that not every bereaved person goes through all stages. The order and duration of each stage vary, depending on the individual’s experience.
Five stages of mourning
Denial. The first stage is denial of the fact of loss. You begin to feel shock and confusion, and may have difficulty accepting what has happened. The shock and emotional upheaval may cause you to feel the unreality of the situation; you try to deny what happened.
Anger. In the second stage, you begin to feel anger, rage, a sense of injustice and despair over the loss. Often you are looking for those responsible for what happened.
Negotiating. In the third stage, you begin to bargain with reality and the inevitability of dying. You look for ways to turn back time, to protect yourself from abandonment. You often ask yourself “What if…?” questions and wonder how you could have changed reality.
Depression. In the fourth stage, you experience strong feelings of sadness and grief. Depression can be experienced as feelings of emptiness, helplessness, lack of motivation and apathy. You withdraw from social life, lose interest in your usual activities, and may have trouble sleeping.
Acceptance. In the fifth stage, you begin to accept the fact of losing a loved one. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you forget about the loss, but that you learn to live with it and slowly adapt to it. You begin to look for ways to continue living.
Not always the support of loved ones, be prepared to be misunderstood
Be prepared to experience unwanted advice from people around you. Grief is a universal experience, so almost everyone you meet has a story about what they did or didn’t do and how you should experience grief. Sometimes this leads to comments you didn’t ask for at all, and can be hurtful to you. People sometimes find it hard to realize how painful a loss you are experiencing. It can sometimes be difficult to separate what is important to you and what, is pressure from other people. Take care of yourself, manage your emotions, check how you feel about these messages and respond. In situations of discomfort, try to put a boundary on the comments and definitely change the subject or say outright that you don’t need certain comments.
How do you survive an unprocessed loss? Is it possible to accept it?
Remember, experiencing bereavement is an individual process, and each of us may need a different amount of time and way of dealing with this difficult experience. Here are some tips that can support you in the bereavement process:
Allow yourself to feel the emotions. Experiencing loss is accompanied by intense emotions such as sadness, anger, despair, guilt or loneliness. It is important to allow ourselves to feel these emotions instead of suppressing or ignoring them. This allows us to process the experience properly and speeds up the process of coping with grief.
Seek support. Experiencing bereavement can be difficult and lonely, but it is important to seek help and support from family, friends or other support groups. Talking to other people about your experience can help increase your sense of understanding and reduce feelings of isolation.
Asking for help. Bereavement has a significant impact on reducing mental, emotional and physical energy. Daily tasks such as shopping, paying bills, caring for children and pets, cooking, responding to text messages and emails can be overwhelming. Try to communicate more often that you need help. You don’t have to do everything yourself, don’t overload yourself during this period, take care of yourself. Let your loved ones perform, delegate some responsibilities to them, let them do it.
Body. Your body also takes part in mourning. You may struggle with exhaustion, feelings of constant agitation or various pains. Take care that your body is in recovery mode as often as possible. Don’t forget to properly nourish your body and stay properly hydrated. If possible, try to get active, choose a physical activity you enjoy, don’t overload yourself. You can think about yoga, walking or just plain stretching.
Give yourself time. The grieving process takes time – give it to yourself to process the experience and adapt to the new reality. There is no set time in which you should complete the mourning process, so don’t try to put pressure on yourself to “get out of mourning” as quickly as possible.
Positive memories. We often focus on negative emotions and thoughts during difficult times. Try to recall positive memories, good moments with your loved one or pet.
Memory. It is important to memorialize the memory of a loved one or pet who has passed away. Find a way to honor his or her life. This can be done by writing a memoir, creating a photo album or a video. The memory, the memories stay and will forever be with you – you won’t lose that.
Notice good events in your daily life. Take time to celebrate what is going well. When you’re grieving, it can be hard to notice the little good moments. Try to capture them and for a moment enjoy the fact that it is nice or that something positive happened today.
Summary
The grieving process is individual and there is no one-size-fits-all way to deal with the experience. There is no expected course or definable end point for mourning. It is as individual and unique as the relationship with the person who left or the animal that died.
There will be days when you feel like the pain doesn’t end; on others it will get a little easier. Gradually, you will learn to relive the good moments and accept the difficult ones. It will never be the same again, but one day you will think of the good memories rather than the pain of the loss. One day you’ll even smile, though it’s probably hard to believe it now. You’ll relive your first vacation, something will finally interest you, something you’ll enjoy again.