Shyness can refer to having to deliver an important paper in front of a packed auditorium, talking to a manager known for his biting remarks, asking for the phone number of someone who has charmed us so that we are short of breath…
There are undoubtedly times in life when shyness is not unusual. The problem arises when it gets us so often that, trying to create a list of places, people and events that are conducive to its presence, we would write down a whole notebook. The paralyzing fear that inhibits us from speaking up in a meeting at work, the trepidation that prompts us to avoid meeting new acquaintances, and, in extreme cases, the anxiety that turns shopping into a nightmare as soon as the cashier friendlily asks how our day is going – it’s too much. Through such a degree of shyness, various aspects of life are disrupted, and consequently our functioning is significantly reduced. So what is shyness? Where does it come from and how does it manifest itself? And above all: can it be dealt with somehow?
What is shyness
Shyness is understood primarily as a character trait, involving the manifestation of excessive distrust and caution in interpersonal contacts. However, it should not be equated with introversion. Unlike introverts, shy people can be sociable and feel a considerable need for contact with others. However, due to their fears, they are not able to realize it as much as they want. Shyness can be combined with introversion, but it doesn’t have to be at all. In society there are both shy introverts, preferring to keep to themselves a bit, and shy extroverts, desiring interaction but unable to lead it properly.
Shyness vs. social phobia
It is also impossible to put an equal sign between shyness and social phobia. Although shy people and social phobics experience strong arousal and related reactions from the body, lumping them together is a mistake. While both experience withdrawal in interactions with third parties, phobias are accompanied by such intense anxiety symptoms that adequate functioning is virtually impossible. Social phobia is characterized by increased avoidance, which affects all areas. Differences also appear in the prevalence – shyness to varying degrees is found relatively often (in some of the studies this trait was found in themselves at some point in their lives by up to 90% of the students surveyed), with phobia, on the other hand, measured by only about 3% of the population. However, it is not uncommon to distinguish very strong shyness from social phobia, and it is then worthwhile to consult a specialist.
Causes of shyness
There is not just one cause responsible for the development of shyness. It is a trait that is partly innate and partly acquired. Attributing it to our nature and saying that “I am shy because I was born that way” therefore does not exhaust the subject. A large role is played by the learning of certain behaviors in interpersonal contacts. Often attention is also paid to mastering social skills – shyness generally appears in those of us who do not use them sufficiently. However, it happens that despite their proper acquisition, we are held back by a deep-seated fear of failure, a fear of intimacy. What else could foster the formation of this trait in us?
A well-established pattern of negative experiences
From early childhood, we may have encountered a number of situations that had two common elements: the participation of others and a negative, even threatening, nature. We unconsciously associated social interactions with unpleasant emotions and began to react to them with shyness. Since we have experienced bad, stressful and humiliating moments in the past, when we come into contact with people we feel insecure and do not know how to behave freely. We look for factors that could potentially hinder us and analyze what evil is about to appear on the horizon. We wait until disaster strikes, and our fears glide upward and reach a zenith.
Low self-esteem
An unshakeable belief in one’s own inadequacy is a problem that shy people often struggle with. Even when others show a positive attitude and are supportive, we recognize that we don’t deserve such treatment. In our minds, like a movie that no one asked us to screen, memories of all the moments when we made a mistake, failed, did not complete our duties begin to play. How can the boss praise us when everything goes hopelessly wrong for us? How can we manage to do well at a conference if we are stupid and lazy?
Seeing ourselves as inadequate, belittling achievements and overlooking positive qualities leads us to stop counting on success. Not believing in the success of our own actions, we are afraid to expose ourselves to public scrutiny. We avoid finding ourselves in the center of attention – because, after all, when the eyes of all those gathered turn on us, our imperfections will be seen in their full glory.
Awareness of our own shyness
As shy people, we are aware of what we are – we see the inhibiting effect of shyness on our lives and understand that it is not irrelevant to how our interactions go. So we tend to focus on our reactions and think about them constantly. Being aware that others may hear a tremor in their voice or notice a flopping blush, we feel even more embarrassed. We are constantly trying to anticipate whether our behavior is perceived as artificial and whether everyone we talk to knows that we are unable to open up and be fully ourselves.
Symptoms of shyness
- feeling nervous in social situations,
- blushing, dry mouth
- accelerated pulse, tightness in the stomach,
- trembling hands, feeling “legs like cotton wool.”
- insecurity,
- silence or speaking more quietly,
- inability to speak properly, stuttering,
- resistance to speaking until someone directly calls us to speak,
- losing the thread and having trouble “gathering thoughts.”
- failure to make eye contact,
- analyzing one’s gestures for fear of how they are perceived,
- worrying about how others see us,
- feeling pressured by the possibility of making a mistake and blundering in front of the group,
- individuals excessively trying to prepare for any potential threat
- feeling embarrassment so strong that it inhibits one’s ability to perform an activity or hinders it,
- focusing on the negative aspects of the situation (thoughts revolving around the fact that the circumstances are hopeless and we have no way to get out of the situation),
- avoiding situations that trigger these unpleasant symptoms or running away once we are in them.
Is shyness always a bad thing?
Must shyness always be seen as an inferior and unappreciative trait? Of course, the problem that this article focuses on concerns the severity that significantly impedes everyday life, and in such an issue it is difficult to look at shyness with a favorable eye. However, it is worth remembering that a mild and moderate degree of this characteristic need not be identified as the worst enemy. Shy people are often considered good listeners – they do not interrupt when speaking, give the interlocutor space and catch even small details. They are also seen as modest, non-confrontational and prudently plan their actions without succumbing to emotions.
When does shyness become a problem?
Let’s look at the following list of situations in which shyness can be experienced:
- meeting new people, fear of people,
- finding yourself in the center of attention,
- public speaking
- talking in a large group,
- talking in a smaller group,
- asking for help,
- participating in a new, unforeseen situation,
- having to contradict someone,
- admitting one’s own weakness or ignorance to someone,
- interacting with members of the opposite sex,
- talking to an authority figure, someone in authority.
If a good number of these and other situations in our lives are uncomfortable for us, it becomes an alarming signal. When shyness appears not in isolated moments, but in a virtually endless number of events, it begins to run our lives. In addition, when it is so strong that it causes intractable discomfort and paralyzing tension, it becomes apparent how much the problem has grown.
How does shyness disrupt our lives?
Morbid shyness is associated with a number of troublesome consequences. Unpleasant emotions such as shame, frustration, bitterness, sadness, anger and malice arise in us. We are fed up because we feel misunderstood and isolated from others by the wall of our shyness. We find it hard to make new friends, initiate conversations and sustain group conversations, causing others to misjudge us as arrogant and unfriendly. It becomes a great challenge to win friends and establish romantic relationships. We also find it difficult to express our opinions in public, and when faced with having to give a presentation or present the results of our own work, we become overwhelmed with helplessness. We return home exhausted and stressed, already dreaming of just sitting down in peace and not being afraid that someone is once again judging us with a scowl and seeing our nervousness.
Zimbardo and the fight against shyness
People who are afraid of flying can ride trains. People who are afraid of snakes can live in cities, and those who are afraid of the dark can sleep with the light on. What about those who are afraid of other people? By effectively avoiding the object of their fears, the timid condemn themselves to being strangers in a strange land. And they pay for it.
This excerpt from Philip Zimbardo ‘s book “Shyness” shows how big a problem shyness is – being shy, after all, we can’t completely cut ourselves off from situations that force contact with people. Even if we switch to working remotely, handle paperwork at the bank online, and order groceries through an app, we will not cut ourselves off from all human interaction. Humans are social beings by nature, and even if paralyzing shyness makes it difficult to make friends and leads to frustration, alienating ourselves would probably cause us even more pain. Avoiding confronting our own shyness is exhausting, so it’s good to break through and take concrete steps.
Shyness and… snakes?
In the book, the American psychologist juxtaposes fearful snakes and shy snakes side by side to show that there is a commonality between them, namely the establishment of more barriers.
Researchers who help people overcome their fear of snakes admit that before breaking more barriers, the most remote one – for example, entering a room with a caged snake – must first be overcome. Skipping the next steps or moving forward too quickly can be counterproductive – exacerbating the fear that will lead you to flee and abandon further attempts.
We can imagine the whole process necessary for the change to take place as crossing a road with barriers every few dozen meters that we have to get through. We certainly won’t get over it expressly and it won’t be without effort. However, let us not feel discouraged, because it leads us to a better future. Starting by making eye contact and gradually establishing bigger and bigger goals, at some point we will notice that we have come so far that a once impossible conversation with a stranger has now become something pleasant.
How to overcome shyness?
Having faced intense shyness for many years now, it may seem impossible for us to break out of its clutches. Fortunately, it turns out that we are actually able to do a lot. In order to improve our functioning and not subject our bodies to elevated stress levels and related reactions every day, let’s start taking action. So, how to overcome shyness? Let’s start by realizing that the process will be slow and will not work like a reality-transforming magic wand.
Looking shyness straight in the eye
Let’s start now to analyze your own shyness – when it gets you, how you feel then, what happens to you. Explore your fears: Think about what exactly you fear and why you feel shy. Are you afraid of being judged by others? Are you afraid of rejection? Recognizing your fears will help you understand what you need to work on. This is the beginning – the first move with which we embark on the path leading to the desired changes. By getting to know ourselves better and realizing how we operate, we begin to understand the mechanism of our shyness and look at it from different sides. Find your strengths. Focus on your strengths and interests. Knowing what you excel at and what you are passionate about will make you feel more confident when interacting with other people.
No more unjustified self-criticism
How to stop being shy with the help of transforming your attitude towards yourself? Well, the way we think about ourselves makes a huge difference in building self-confidence. If we constantly focus on flaws, point out the slightest shortcomings and fail to consider any of our achievements as successes, we turn into our own harshest critics. Looking at ourselves with understanding and rejecting radical claims like “I’m always the worst!” increase self-confidence. Self-acceptance and the ability to give ourselves praise and warm words reinforce our belief that we can cope no matter what happens to us. And that’s definitely what we need to start overcoming resistance in social interactions.
Small steps
Take small steps: Start with small social challenges. Instead of immediately jumping into deep water, choose small, controlled steps. This could be talking to a stranger at a party or asking a question in a meeting with colleagues.
Assertiveness
Practice assertiveness. Learning the skills to assertively express your thoughts and feelings can help you overcome shyness. Learn to say “no” in appropriate situations and express yourself without worrying about the reaction of others.
How to treat shyness?
Online psychotherapy under the guidance of a specialist is a help that makes it easier to reach your own inner self, to learn about deeply rooted beliefs and patterns that govern us. Meetings with a psychotherapist focus on getting used to one’s own shyness, understanding the accompanying reactions and learning about the most challenging situations. We get to the root of the problem – often trauma and unpleasant memories – and the beliefs and reactions that are entrenched responses to what we’ve experienced.
Gradually, we change attitudes, let go of old beliefs and begin to look at the world in a different way. We set more goals and implement small changes that influence us to cope more and more effectively. The psychologist builds an atmosphere full of acceptance and understanding. Support and individual approach make the therapy relieving and provide effective methods in overcoming shyness.
Don’t think that the shyness you are struggling with is insurmountable – believe in yourself and come to us!