Do you happen to give up on your dreams before you even try to realize them? Or do you hesitate to make new friends, fearing you will be misperceived? Fear of rejection is a feeling that accompanies many of us – sometimes as a mild anxiety, and sometimes as a paralyzing fear.
Proximity plays a key role in relationships, determines deep partnership, friendship and family ties, and above all allows us to feel understood, fully accepted. When closeness is lacking, we suffer – both ourselves and those who wanted to be next to us. Find out what the fear of intimacy is and how to make sure it doesn’t take over our lives, ruining the chances of valuable and good relationships?
Fear of rejection (nullophobia) – when we want to be close and far away at the same time
Contacts with people from childhood are an essential part of us that we cannot do without. Attachment is the most important part of a child’s psychosocial development. At first, parents are the most important, showing us the world and teaching us how to deal with it. As we grow, we meet more people, become colleagues and friends to them, and eventually enter into romantic relationships.
Difficulties in ongoing relationships with others or problems making new friends cause our mood to deteriorate significantly. We don’t want all our conversations to consist of formal banter with co-workers or trivial exchanges with distant acquaintances seen a few times a year. We want someone to take a sincere interest in us, to stand by our side and be ready to listen to us whenever we need it. When we perceive that there are happy couples passing around showing affection to each other and not seeing the world outside of each other, and we have no one with whom we can be so close, we become overwhelmed with frustration and anger.
Although we feel that we lack a relationship with room for confidences, deep conversations and sincere support, when the opportunity for such an acquaintance arises, we are unable to develop it. Some invisible force inhibits us from entering into a relationship or prevents us from getting involved. We would like to open up, we would like to show our true self, but there is a blockage in us that neither we nor the person we are dating can remove. When we see the distance shrinking between us and intimacy developing, we reflexively want to back off, because after all, if we get too involved, we might be disappointed.
What is the fear of rejection? Emotional rollercoaster
Fearof re jection is a deep-seated fear of being abandoned, excluded or not recognized by others. It is more than a simple fear of entering into close relationships – it is a complex psychological mechanism that can significantly affect our lives and the quality of interpersonal relationships. It manifests itself in excessive vigilance for signals of rejection, strong discomfort at even small signs of disapproval, and a tendency to interpret the neutral behavior of others as threatening.
This type of anxiety often manifests itself through:
- Excessive efforts to seek the approval of others.
- Difficulty in expressing one’s own needs and opinions.
- A tendency to check and seek assurances, distrust.
- Avoidance of close relationships or, paradoxically, clinging to them.
- Strong emotional reactions to criticism or rejection.
- Reduced self-esteem.
It is worth noting that a certain level of fear of rejection is natural and adaptive – we all need acceptance and belonging. The problem arises when this fear becomes dominant and begins to limit our lives.
Fear of getting hurt
Fear of intimacy takes many forms. For some, the most difficult to overcome is the fear of being hurt. If our previous relationship experiences have been negative, we think that any subsequent ones will line up similarly. Since someone we trusted implicitly and with whom we eagerly planned a future together has betrayed us and let us down, each new relationship is a potential “opportunity” for failure, sadness, helplessness and pain. We’ve already been burned once – now we’re blowing off steam, so we try to spurn others. To protect ourselves, we avoid any form of engagement, so there is no room for confiding or sharing thoughts. When a relationship moves one step forward, we quickly retreat to the starting point. The subconscious tells us that sooner or later we will be disappointed anyway, so it is better not to trust a partner. We are suspicious and see evidence everywhere that the other party is preparing to stab us “with a knife in the heart.” We think that before long we will find out about the lies and cheating – it is only a matter of time. Thoughts are boiling in our head: “Why would someone have pure intentions towards me?”, “No one really cares about my well-being”. The fear of being hurt is insidious, because even without any grounds for suspicion, we are unable to trust. We dwell on how we were treated in the past and are unable to understand that this is a closed chapter.
Fear of commitment
We can also distance ourselves when we are driven by fear of commitment. We create an invisible, but impossible to cross, wall around ourselves and fiercely defend ourselves from allowing a loved one into our own world. We believe that when we let ourselves be better known, we will find it impossible to love us – we are, after all, non-ideal. We think that once the relationship develops, the partner will notice all our flaws and find them surpassing. So, from the beginning, we prefer to push back and put on a mask to prevent it from coming to light what we really are. We feel that we will only be fully deserving of love when we are perfect, and as we know, this will never happen. There will always be a shortcoming, a hastily spoken word, a wrong reaction, an annoying habit. If we have the belief that we are inadequate, we have a hard time realizing that having flaws does not diminish our value, and no matter how much is “bad” about us, there are people who can sincerely love us. We tend to overlook our basic needs and deny ourselves love.
Just as often, we are afraid to get involved because we feel that we will lose a part of ourselves. This results in the mistaken belief that by being in a relationship we will abandon our own individuality and our circle of interests will narrow only to our partner. So we prefer to withdraw to make sure that the relationship does not consume us excessively. This is because we are terrified by the vision of making joint decisions and losing our previous freedom.
Fear of experiencing loss
Being in a relationship, we may be terrified by the vision of the other party leaving. Entering a relationship always involves a certain amount of uncertainty – we have no guarantee that we will always be together again, we can never be 100% sure. However, if from the very beginning we are paralyzed by fear at the thought that our partner may turn away from us, change plans and find someone else, we are unable to develop intimacy. Since it seems to us that it is a matter of time that a partner will get bored and decide to leave us, we stop trying. We want to subconsciously prepare for the departure so that it doesn’t hurt us too much. The fear of loss pushes us into behaviors that are intended to protect us, but actually prevent us from forming a healthy and trusting relationship. As long as we constantly fear rejection, we are unable to take pleasure in being next to each other or appreciate small gestures from our partner. The relationship continues in an atmosphere of insecurity – we don’t want to get attached, show that we care and suppress the feelings that arise. The pattern of abandonment is characterized by people with chronic sometimes inadequate separation anxiety, the inability to be in an intimate, secure relationship, in parallel respecting the boundaries of others as well as their own.
Causes of fear of rejection
Fear of rejection (a.k .a. nulliphobia) is most often formed in us in early childhood, when our basic emotional needs were not adequately met. Of particular relevance here are the attachment styles that develop in the first years of life – if a caregiver was emotionally unpredictable or unavailable, this could lead to the development of an anxious or disorganized attachment style. When we experienced frequent criticism, emotional unavailability of parents, or unstable relationships as children, our brains learned to treat close relationships as a potential source of hurt. It’s a bit like learning from mistakes – only in this case, we learned to overprotect ourselves from the possible pain of rejection. This can lead to the development of so-called maladaptive beliefs, or deep-seated beliefs like“I’m not good enough” or“they’ll leave me eventually anyway.” In adulthood, these beliefs act as filters through which we view the world – we often see signs of rejection even where there are none, and our reactions can be disproportionate to the situation.
Secure bonding. Attachment styles
Childhood is often the key to understanding later functioning. Even in the first years of life, how our parents take care of us affects how we view relationships with others in the future. Disturbed relationships with caregivers translate into a negative attachment style. When a parent was constantly uninterested in us, neglected us, and we were chastised when we tried to get close to them, an avoidant style was formed. We became afraid to manifest affection, declare love and enter into intimate relationships.
If, on the other hand, the parent behaved inconsistently and there was emotional chaos around, an anxiety-ambivalent style gradually developed. For example, an alcoholic father was close when sober, but became completely inaccessible when he drank – so once we received warmth and attention from him, and at other times distance and coldness. Because of such a difficult experience, we may experience alternating extremes of emotion in later relationships, not expressing feelings and behaving obsessively, trying to control our partner at every turn.
Our psyche may have been imprinted by a variety of early life experiences. The maladaptive attachment patterns of early childhood can have a destructive impact on our lives. The loss of a parent, abandonment (also in the emotional sense), divorce and relocation of one of the caregivers, physical or psychological violence – all of these come as a shock to the child and create an association that closeness is threatening. Even if we don’t have a clear memory of a traumatic event, this is not proof that it didn’t have a huge impact on us. We may have deliberately pushed it into oblivion, but all the time it affects us from the subconscious level.Such experiences can lead to separation in current relationships.
Bad experiences in relationships
Facing unpleasant situations in previous relationships and failing to work through them properly is another heavy baggage of experiences that affects subsequent love relationships. We see only bad intentions all around us and think that every next partner will try to hold us back, take our space, hurt us. We may conclude that since everyone is evil and wants to take advantage of us, we must go so far as to manipulate ourselves. Infidelities, constant quarrels, hostility and ignoring our emotions by a previous partner can’t be erased from our memories and make us afraid to approach the next people. What scares us is that the terrible history of the past can repeat itself, if only we trust someone again.
Symptoms of fear of rejection
Anxiety of rejection can manifest itself through a number of characteristic symptoms at both the emotional, cognitive and behavioral levels. On an emotional level, a person with fear of rejection may experience intense anxiety, tension and discomfort in social situations, especially when there is even the slightest possibility of evaluation or criticism. Mood swings ranging from euphoria to deep sadness are also common, especially in response to small cues from others.
The cognitive sphere is dominated by distorted interpretations of reality, such as overanalyzing the behavior of others (“what did he mean?”), catastrophizing (“if I’m late, he’ll hate me for sure”), personalizing (“he didn’t write back because I’m unimportant”) or black-and-white thinking (“he either loves me or hates me”). Those affected also often tend to constantly anticipate negative scenarios in relationships.
At the behavioral level, we can observe:
- Excessive apologizing, even in situations that do not require it
- Difficulty making decisions without consulting others
- Constantly checking phones and social media
- Giving up one’s own needs in favor of others
- Avoiding expressing one’s own opinion for fear of conflict
- Problems setting boundaries in relationships
- Compulsively seeking reassurances of affection from loved ones
Negative attitudes toward the world
Proximity anxiety can manifest itself in a negative attitude toward the world. It seems to us that even those closest to us don’t care about making us feel comfortable – everyone is only interested in themselves, and the world is hypocritical and false. We shrink from the belief that it’s best not to trust anyone, because we can only be sure of our own intentions. Seeing a new person on the horizon immediately turns on our red light, because we sense trouble.
Extreme emotions
On the one hand, we feel a desire for intimacy, but on the other hand, fears that obscure everything are looming. We would like to have a healthy, stable relationship, but the biases and fears piling up prohibit us from opening up to love and accepting it. When someone starts to care about us and tries to reach out to us, we try to reason, but we are unable to cross a certain boundary. Completely opposite thoughts are boiling in our head, and we don’t know what to do with ourselves.
Relationships can be filled with extreme emotions. Whether it’s love, anger, joy or sadness, these emotions are part of every relationship and can be difficult to manage. Extreme emotions can cause tension and conflict if not managed properly. It is essential to learn how to manage these extreme emotions in order to create a strong relationship.
Avoiding emotional relationships
We are comfortable staying in the initial stage of a relationship and not going deeper. If we get more deeply involved and start thinking warmer thoughts about the other person, we will feel threatened, and our instinctive reaction will be to run away. So we prefer to make only superficial acquaintances and withdraw as soon as emotions begin to rise. The mental block against a relationship can be so intense that we already forget what it’s like to be really close to someone.
Choosing unavailable people
Anxiety, whose roots are located in the loss of contact with a parent, often manifests itself in the search for such objects of desire that are impossible to obtain. We are attracted to people who remain in relationships, who are emotionally cool, who keep us at a distance, who stay far away and who are shrouded in mystery. When someone who is sincere and shows good intentions toward us appears, we perceive him as boring and dismiss him with a flourish.
Sabotaging relationships
The insecurity we feel at the beginning of a relationship gradually grows and transforms into fear. We undertake a series of behaviors that spoil the relationship and distance us from our loved one, because we are afraid of what will happen as we grow closer. Afraid of commitment, we try to move away because subconsciously the partner appears to us as a source of danger. We provoke arguments, point out the smallest mistakes, avoid frank conversations and do not seek to resolve the disputes that arise between us. We begin to see even the smallest flaws as huge obstacles and become strenuously discouraged by our partner. We may also constantly fear abandonment and look for evidence of infidelity.
Loneliness – the most acute consequence of the fear of intimacy
“Forloneliness, as we shall see, has various faces, but its core is always the inability to be close…” – these words by Wojciech Kruczynski in his book “The Loneliness Virus” draw our attention to the link that exists between lack of closeness and loneliness. Any form of fear of being closer to another person makes us fail to form qualitative relationships full of mutual understanding. We lack depth in a relationship, and thus it is not complete and does not meet our needs. We feel alone and on our own, because since we don’t let anyone in, no one is aware of what we are experiencing and facing.
Borderline personality and fear of rejection
From the perspective of schema therapy, we can see that fear of rejection often grows out of underlying maladaptive schemas:
- The abandonment/instability schema
- In Borderline type people, this pattern is particularly strong.
- It leads to an intense fear of losing close relationships.
- It can be reinforced by previous experiences of abandonment or neglect.
- Coping strategies:
- Excessive vigilance for signals of potential rejection.
- Behaviors that test boundaries in relationships.
- Intense emotional reactions to perceived rejection, instability.
- Attempts to prevent rejection through dependency behavior.
- Impact on functioning:
- Difficulty in maintaining stable relationships.
- Tendency to idealize and devalue other people.
- Problems with emotional regulation in interpersonal situations.
- Self-destructive behavior as a reaction to perceived rejection.
The need for closeness – the first stage. How to overcome the fear of proximity?
Overcoming the fear of proximity is a process that requires patience and understanding of one’s own defense mechanisms. Here are practical tips on how you can work on it:
Start by understanding the sources of your anxiety – often fear of intimacy stems from past injuries or difficult relationship experiences. It is crucial to realize that your current reactions may be the result of past experiences, rather than a real threat in the present.
Practice small steps toward closeness – you don’t have to open up completely right away. Start with small gestures of trust and gradually increase the level of emotional accessibility. This could be sharing daily thoughts or expressing simple needs.
Work on self-awareness of your reactions – observe at what moments anxiety arises and what thoughts accompany it. It can be helpful to keep an emotion diary, where you will record situations that cause anxiety and the beliefs that accompany them.
Build self-esteem independent of others – the stronger your inner sense of security, the easier it will be for you to trust others. Develop your interests, celebrate small successes and work on self-acceptance.
Remember that intimacy is a two-way process – communicate your fears openly to people you trust. Talking honestly about your fears can help you build deeper and more authentic, healthy relationships. At the same time, give yourself permission to go at your own pace in opening up to others.
Noticing the problem
Often one of the most difficult steps is the first one, which is to realize that something is wrong and admit it to ourselves. We may notice that each of our relationships ends in the same way and feel that we are repeating identical mistakes. We move from one relationship to the next, but each time the bond grows tighter, we feel uncomfortable and look for an excuse to distance ourselves and run away. It’s a vicious cycle that fortunately can be abandoned. The foundation, however, is knowing that we have problems with intimacy. By understanding your fears and working on them, you can open yourself up to meaningful connections with others. Remember, each of us deserves love, you don’t have to earn it.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a mindfulness practice in which we intentionally focus on our current experiences and learn to accept them without judgment. It includes recognizing your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations. Noticing any blockages, patterns in your mind that may prevent you from entering into close relationships. Identifying your experiences will help you increase intimacy with others so that you don’t duplicate your automatic reactions.
Nonviolent Agreement
Nonviolent communication is a style of communication in which you don’t blame, shame or humiliate people for their feelings and thoughts. It’s about understanding others’ perspectives and communicating respectfully. In initiating intimacy with your partner, it can be very helpful to be attentive to the needs of your other half, or others important to you. By learning how to communicate non-violently in conversations, you will become more aware of how you unconsciously express criticism, control or other unhelpful behaviors that make others feel hurt or threatened. Both parties want to realize the need for closeness, to experience intimacy and understanding in an authentic way. With proper communication, the quality of life improves for partners, who are able to bridge the distance in the relationship more partially.
Acceptance of emotions
When you focus on your body and breathing, it is easier to feel the sensations and emotions of the present moment, rather than the expectations or fears of what might happen. You can resist uncomfortable emotions or thoughts. It can be helpful to remind yourself that these feelings are natural, normal, temporary and not “real.” When you challenge your resistance to unpleasant feelings by staying focused on the moment, they often pass more quickly.
Expressing needs
Expressing needs in intimate relationships is a key part of any successful relationship. Being able to express your needs and desires in a clear, non-threatening way can help you understand each other better and build trust. However, expressing your needs in intimate relationships is not always easy. It takes courage to be vulnerable and honest with your partner about what you need. However, by expressing your needs, you create an opportunity for a deeper understanding between you.
Psychotherapy – a journey into yourself
Psychotherapy for fear of rejection is a process in which it is particularly important to build a safe and stable therapeutic relationship. The therapist herself becomes a corrective emotional experience. In cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), we work to identify and change distorted automatic thoughts and core beliefs about self-worth and relationships with others. Schema therapy goes even deeper – it helps to understand and work through early maladaptive schemas, often using techniques for working with the “healthy adult part” and reparenting. Mindfulness techniques, which teach clients to recognize and regulate intense emotions associated with fear of rejection, can be particularly helpful. In the therapy process, the client gradually learns that he or she can survive difficult emotions, builds a more realistic assessment of social situations and develops healthy boundaries in relationships. Also important is working on “schema modes” – that is, typical patterns of responding in situations of threatened rejection, such as over-compliance or withdrawal. Over time, through systematic therapeutic work, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment and greater emotional resilience to difficulties.