A long-distance relationship, is a challenge for any relationship. Each of us wants to feel loved. We look for a relationship in which we will be safe, peaceful, happy… Can long-distance love survive? Can we manage or reduce our longing through virtual contacts? How to nurture a relationship when two people are so far away? And what to do when difficulties arise?
What is a long-distance relationship? How do we determine it?
It is difficult to have a clear definition of a long-distance relationship. Both partners who live 100 or even hundreds of kilometers from each other can talk about it. One thing is certain – there is some distance between them, which more or less affects the shape of their relationship.
When do we most often deal with long-distance relationships?
Long distance relationships are often caused by:
– moving
– emigration, e.g., labor emigration,
– student exchange,
– the specifics of the job (the need for frequent travel),
– use of dating sites and establishment of relationships over the Internet.
Stages of a long-distance relationship
It’s been more than thirty years since American psychologist Robert Sternberg dissected love. The Three-Factor Theory of Love he created includes three components:
- intimacy,
- passion,
- commitment.
Intimacy is positive feelings and accompanying actions, such as experiencing happiness in the presence of another person, showing care and understanding to a partner, exchanging information with them and sharing experiences.
Passion is expressed by feeling strong emotions, physiological arousal and excitement, although it should not be equated only with sexual needs.
Commitment, on the other hand, is the result of a conscious decision to remain in a given relationship. It is the willingness to maintain the relationship and put effort into its development.
Due to the severity of the various components, there are several stages that a relationship goes through.
- falling in love,
- romantic beginnings,
- complete relationship,
- friendship relationship,
- empty relationship,
- relationship breakup.
How does it work in practice? How to talk and get to know each other?
Each stage is associated with slightly different levels of intimacy, passion and commitment. In the infatuation stage, passion grows, and in the romantic beginnings, intimacy joins it as well. The stage of a complete relationship, on the other hand, means intense participation of all three components. However, as one enters a friendship relationship, passion decreases, and partners may find it difficult to maintain the previous level of intimacy. When intimacy declines, they move to the stage of an empty relationship – based only on commitment. When it is missing, the relationship collapses.
Some couples stop at a particular stage, while others consistently move from one stage to the next until they reach the end and split up.
Does it look the same in a long-distance relationship?
It all depends on how the relationship was formed and at what point the distance came into it. Sometimes a couple first gets to know each other and builds a relationship, and only later does the distance appear – for example, in the phase of a friendship or empty relationship. Depending on how both parties deal with the difficulties, they may stay at the same stage or move further apart. Sometimes we have to decide on a long-distance relationship with a loved one. Contact by phone, text message, Internet is then the only way to strengthen the bond with the other half. The uncertainty of such a relationship can overwhelm us, but there are ways to survive the separation and still need each other.
Relationships that begin online, however, are different. The phases of online love can differ significantly from the phases of love that forms from the beginning in the real world. According to Grochowalska, a friendly love is seen there at first, developed through the use of apps, chatting or texting. When the relationship moves beyond the Internet, it can become romantic – physical contact and real passion emerge. It can also remain friendly or quickly move to an empty phase, especially if the other person has not met certain expectations in terms of appearance, features or behavior.
Does a long-distance relationship make sense? What you might need. The dangers of an online relationship
Let’s stay on the topic of an online relationship for a moment. When our relationship is mainly virtual from the beginning, it’ s easy to fall into the trap of idealization. We start to think that the other person is almost perfect – after all, this guy has such favorable photos on his profile, always sends nice messages and finds time for us, and is still interested in surfing, runs long distances and takes care of his diet. It’s just that when we later meet this perfect guy in real life, the spell wears off. Because it’s not him who was perfect in every way, but our idea of him.
To avoid such disappointments, let’s remember that what’s on the Internet is only a slice of reality. A profile in a dating app does not tell everything about the man behind it. There are selected (and perhaps retouched) photos and carefully chosen words. But this is only the tip of the iceberg. What someone is really like can only be verified during a face-to-face meeting. So, how to build a relationship? Preferably in real life, as much as possible, of course.
Pros and cons of a long-distance relationship
The advantages of staying in this type of relationship include:
– not having to give up your own plans,
– more time for yourself and your passions,
– valuing every moment spent with your partner,
– lack of routine and boredom in the relationship,
– a lot of freedom and liberty in everyday life.
The disadvantages, on the other hand, are:
– lack of close contact,
– loneliness in the relationship and longing,
– constant anticipation of the arrival of a partner,
– difficulty in giving support in crisis situations,
– the risk of not getting to know the other person well, despite the long duration of the relationship.
Does a long-distance relationship make sense? Will love overcome the distance?
Every relationship is a different story. There are couples for whom distance proves too problematic. However, this does not mean that every long-distance relationship is doomed to failure in advance. It all depends on a whole range of factors, such as:
– commitment of both partners,
– individual personality traits such as emotional intelligence,
– frequency of visits,
– level of communication in the relationship,
– the expected time of separation.
Modern communication that (not always) works wonders
It is now easier than ever for us to communicate. No longer do we have to wait for a letter to reach the addressee and belatedly let them know how we are doing. Nor do we worry that high phone bills will eat up half of our paycheck. Every day we can make dozens of calls and write hundreds of messages. This allows practically constant contact with a loved one. Isn’t that great?
Yes, and it is worth taking advantage of modern technology, especially when we are in a long-distance relationship. However, the Internet cannot replace our physical closeness. A live connection is not looking each other straight in the eye, and even the longest essay written in a chat room is not a face-to-face conversation. Emails, emails, phone calls and photos help to get through the longing and give, at least in part, a chance to be up to date with what’s going on in your partner’s life. But this doesn’t always “get the job done.” Because if the need for real closeness is very high, there is an aversion to virtual contacts. When this is compounded by loneliness, discouragement and doubt, even hundreds of messages and calls will not be a lifesaver.
How to build a long-distancerelationship? Shared interests can maintain relationships
A long-distance relationship can be difficult, but not impossible to maintain. Here are some tips to help you take care of a long-distance relationship:
- Communication – keep in regular contact with your partner. You can talk by phone, instant messaging, e-mail or video. Whichever method you choose, it’s important to talk to each other every day to have a sense of closeness.
- Planning – plan meetings and the time you will spend together. Set dates for when you will see each other and arrange vacations, weekends or holidays together.
- Trust – trust your partner and give him your confidence. Let him know that you trust him and that you believe in your love.
- Shared interests – find common interests and hobbies that you can develop together. This could include reading the same books, watching the same movies or playing online games.
- Positive thinking – focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, instead of focusing on the difficulties of distance.
- Forbearance – be understanding of your partner and don’t criticize him for not being able to spend more time with you. Remember that your situation is difficult, but give each other support and understanding.
- Romance – don’t forget to be romantic. Send loving messages, flowers, gifts. Let your partner know how much you love him and how much you miss his presence.
- Balance – maintain a balance between your long-distance relationship and your daily life. Don’t forget about your interests, friends and family.
How to take care of a long-distance relationship? Proximity at a distance is possible
It would seem that “proximity at a distance” is a contradiction in terms – something impossible to achieve. Proximity is difficult but closeness is not just physicality. It’s also about sharing passions, holding common values and views, setting common goals for the future.
So what can we do to get closer while being far away from each other? Talk about your experiences, experiences, everyday little things. Show your partner that he is present in our lives – ask for advice, ask for opinions, make important decisions.
What about intimacy? When we see each other once a month, do we have to give up sex completely for the rest? Some couples are taking advantage of the Internet’s enormous potential in this regard as well. Although kissing and fondling are simply impossible, a substitute for physical intimacy is becoming cybersex. We can arrange virtual intercourse on webcams, exchange erotic photos and videos. However, such a solution does not appeal to everyone, which is understandable.
Joint plans – the big ones and… the smaller ones
What most sustains a couple in a long-distance relationship is the realization that this state will one day end. So it’s especially important to plan what the future together will look like – moving, living together and arranging their lives. Such a plan is not easy to execute. Various circumstances stand in the way: finances, career, any commitments made. Nevertheless, it’s worth thinking about what’s next and striving to bridge the distance.
But joint plans are not only about what is far away. Let’s not reduce them to creating visions of what our lives will look like when we wake up next to each other every morning. It’s also about scheduling future visits, setting common goals, working out the details of a vacation spent together, during which we visit charming places and experience relaxation. We can also plan online dating.
And what is such an online date? It’s simply a chosen time – for example, a Friday at 7 pm – when we turn on a video call and have a lively conversation together, watch a movie, drink wine and have dinner. The ideas for such long-distance dates are indeed many! And by making plans to do something with your partner, disregarding the distance, we are strengthening the relationship by the way.
But what if being in a long-distance relationship is overwhelming? Is it worth reporting to a psychologist about it?
Do you find being in a long-distance relationship a difficult experience? Do you wonder if you can bear the burden and cope? Remember that you can talk to a psychologist or psychotherapist about your experiences, hopes and fears. Make an appointment today – online psychotherapy. You’ll shed your burden and release lingering emotions. You’ll consider what’s most challenging for you and what you can do to feel better. Perhaps you’ll also get to the deep-seated beliefs that are preventing you from enjoying your relationship. You’ll also learn techniques to better understand yourself and meet your own needs.
And don’t forget that although long-distance love is a challenge, it can bring a lot of satisfaction and beautiful moments. However, for this to happen, you need to put a lot of work into it – sometimes including work on yourself: your own emotions, biases and patterns.
Bibliography
Grochowalska, K. (2012). Cyberflirt: how online behavior differs from offline behavior. Humanicus 7.
Olesinski, P. (2013). A developmental approach to Sternberg’s Three-Factor Theory of Love – three-layered love, Developmental Psychology 18(2), pp. 9 – 18.
Sęczkowska, K. (2018). The Paradox of “Close Ties at a Distance” or Enter and Escape of Love on the Web in a Psychological Context, Man Logged in 5. Digital Love. How the Internet is changing close relationships, pp. 44 – 53.