Jealousy, which of us does not know it? After all, it is one of those emotions whose appearance cannot be overlooked. Its mere presence, however, is nothing alarming. But what if it accompanies us constantly and cannot be controlled? How to treat morbid jealousy – that is, the kind that destroys us and our relationship from the inside?
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is a complex emotion. It arises when we perceive a threat to a relationship that is important to us. It is a response to the appearance of a rival in the environment: someone who can aggravate or even break up our relationship. However, it doesn’t always have to be a specific person – an attractive work colleague or a flirtatious stranger looking at our man. Because we also feel jealousy when we only imagine that such a rival might exist.
Jealousy is a feeling that includes sadness, fear, anxiety, shame and anger. It is also associated with humiliation, annoyance, anger, frustration, grief, suffering, resentment, loneliness and the desire to be as close as possible to the object towards which the jealousy is directed.
Although we generally associate it with love, it is worth remembering that we can feel jealousy in many different relationships. Thus, it appears not only in the context of a relationship, but also in the context of friendships, such as a toxic friendship or the bond between a parent and child.
Is jealousy always bad? Is jealousy always morbid in nature?
When we think of jealousy, rather only unpleasant terms come to mind. We also know that jealousy sometimes pushes us to irrational acts and brings more doom than good. However, it is worth not forgetting that it also has its good sides.
When we feel jealousy, we begin to perceive the other person as more attractive. It can be said that realizing that our partner likes more than just ourselves, we “rate” him higher. Seeing that he arouses the interest of other people, we feel a stronger desire towards him. We think: someone wants to take him away from me, and after all, I adore him so much!
Jealousy like this is conducive to making more efforts and sustaining passion in a relationship. It reminds us how important our partner is to us and how much we want to be close to him.
“Ordinary” jealousy and morbid jealousy – what are the differences?
How we experience jealousy depends on, among other things:
– personality traits (i.e. what kind of people we are),
– height of self-esteem (i.e., what kind of opinion we have of ourselves),
– severity of anxiety (i.e., how much of a threat we feel),
– relationship attitudes (i.e., how close we are to our partner and whether we judge our relationship to be durable or unsustainable).
There is a difference between occasionally experiencing the sting of jealousy and paralyzing jealousy flooding us every day. The former reminds us that we care about someone. Jealousy ceases to be healthy when it takes the joy out of a relationship, makes us constantly worry and encourages impulsive behavior that we later regret.
When does jealousy in a relationship become a problem?
- when it is unjustified, and the conviction of infidelity is not supported by reality,
- when it takes the form of obsession and becomes the main topic of our thoughts, a dependence on the other person
- when the emotions accompanying it lead us to take actions that are hurtful to our partner.
Symptoms of morbid jealousy
Symptoms of morbid jealousy, which can take on a pathological character, include:
– obsessive thinking about a partner when he or she is not around,
– suspecting a partner of infidelity or wanting to commit infidelity,
– strenuously looking for signs of alleged infidelity,
– constantly trying to locate the other person and see what he or she is currently engaged in, may then follow and check on the partner
– demanding constant confirmation of feelings and assurances of fidelity from the partner,
– accusing of lying despite the lack of any evidence,
– checking a partner’s phone and social media, searching his personal belongings,
– strong feelings of jealousy toward people of the opposite sex with whom the partner has had contact (even temporarily),
– starting brawls and threatening to end the relationship to force the partner to give up contact with other people,
– giving up social contacts for fear of situations in which jealousy may arise (jealousy refers to avoiding social gatherings, going out to clubs),
– questioning the partner about previous relationships and past experiences,
– feeling negative emotions every time a partner interacts with another person,
– exaggerating minor situations (for example, overreacting to the news that a partner was talking to someone else or showing someone a friendly gesture),
– excessive focus on the other person,
– difficulty trusting and exaggerated suspicion,
– restriction of the other person’s freedom,
– comparing oneself to others,
– emotional exhaustion,
– chronic stress,
– low self-esteem.
Othello syndrome. Morbid jealousy – a disease or not, however?
Doesn’t the term “morbid jealousy” suggest that we are dealing with a disease here?
Although aggravated jealousy can be quite a problem for us, we look for it in vain in the classifications of diseases and health problems recognized by the World Health Organization.
However, we can find one exception – Othello syndrome. The patient is usually a man who has been abusing alcohol for many years. He accuses his partner of infidelity and is convinced that she is dating numerous lovers. He includes close friends, co-workers, family and even complete strangers in his circle of suspicion.
Causes of morbid jealousy
Jealousy is an emotion that can take many forms, including morbid jealousy, which is often the result of low self-esteem and lack of trust in a relationship. People experiencing morbid jealousy may have trouble controlling their emotions, leading them to obsessively check on their partner and their interactions with others. Often the symptoms of morbid jealousy manifest themselves in behavior that negatively affects security in the relationship.
The causes of morbid jealousy can be varied. Unrealized fears of infidelity, lack of trust or low self-esteem can lead to pathological behavior. Jealousy in a relationship often leads to conflicts between partners, and can cause serious health and mental health problems.
Childhood patterns
From an early age, we observe how relationships between our parents were formed and assimilate the patterns repeated there. This is why childhood has such a huge impact on what kind of relationships we form in adulthood.
If unhealthy jealousy was at the forefront of our parents’ relationship, chances are high that we will someday replicate such a pattern. Why? Because we grew up seeing toxic behavior from caregivers, difficulties in communication, scenes of jealousy. We unconsciously learned that this is how relationships work. And later we easily resort to such a pattern, because it is familiar to us.
Previous relationships
We are also affected by turbulent past relationships. Even those that took place many years ago and have been closed for a long time. They left trauma in their wake, and as a result, it’s harder for us to open up and trust now.
If we have not been able to work through the traumas experienced, we are unable to build a new stable relationship. We have the conviction that the same story will repeat itself: first we trust, then we regret it later. We believe that the partner will sooner or later find an opportunity to be unfaithful. And he will seize this opportunity.
So in a desperate attempt to bring the situation under control, checks and brawls become the order of the day. Jealousy pushes us to do everything to avoid being cheated again.
Low self-esteem
What is the relationship between low self-esteem and jealousy? It turns out to be more significant than we might have thought at first!
Reduced self-esteem is undervaluing oneself. It’s overlooking one’s own achievements and merits, forgetting many good qualities. We repeat to ourselves that we don’t deserve praise. That we don’t mean much. That we perform poorly in our roles as partners, wives, mothers. And since we give ourselves a failing grade, we don’t expect anyone else to see potential in us.
We see too many imperfections in ourselves. We are afraid that the partner is disappointed with us and will find a “better” one any moment – prettier, smarter, more interesting. And jealousy feeds on our fears and grows stronger.
Obsessive jealousy vs. fear of abandonment
Ursula’s mood worsens as soon as her husband leaves for work. When the door closes behind him in the morning, she just anticipates his return. She can’t concentrate on anything. The same thoughts keep boiling in her head:
“What if he doesn’t come? Will he leave me for that blonde who works in the adjacent department? Why should he even want to come back here to see me? Surely he will eventually get bored with me and disappear without a trace!”
Yet the husband always comes back. And although he doesn’t seem bored with their relationship, Ursula is not reassured. When he leaves again tomorrow, her fears will return.
Anxiety of loss is an unfounded fear of a threat we imagine. This threat is unlikely to happen for sure, although in our minds it seems very real. But in fact, the circumstances do not support the fact that it will happen – the probability is close to zero.
One can fear many things: lightning strikes, dangerous germs, open space, criticism… And also abandonment. And it is precisely this kind of fear that leads us to control our partner. We make him explain every exit, cut him off from the outside world, give up close friendships. Because we think that this is how we will keep him with us.
Morbid jealousy vs. borderline personality
Problems with excessive jealousy and borderline personality often go together. Why?
The borderline disorder is accompanied by a fear of abandonment. We are afraid that we will lose our beloved, so we are sensitive to any signs of betrayal. Often we take completely irrelevant information as proof of betrayal and start throwing around unfounded accusations.
With borderline, relationships run turbulent – because there is too much suspicion and too little trust. We go from extreme to extreme. At first, the partner seems to us a walking ideal. But all it takes is a minor quarrel, a single late arrival or a lack of response to messages, and our attitude changes 180 degrees. We no longer look at our beloved through rose-colored glasses, and we look closely for signs of betrayal.
But does this mean that jealousy problems and borderline always go hand in hand? Of course not! The occurrence of morbid jealousy can be associated with a whole range of factors, and borderline personality disorder is just one possibility.
What does a relationship with a morbidly jealous person look like?
Living with someone obsessively jealous is not easy. Intrusive questions and constant attempts at control become a daily occurrence. The partner feels as if he is participating in an interrogation rather than going out on a date with his beloved.
Even a trivial situation turns into an hours-long brawl. The flashpoint can become a ringing phone, information about a new colleague at work or a planned outing with friends. The other person may start to hide his contacts with his friends through this and not tell us everything that is going on with him. In this way he wants to minimize the risk of an argument and avoid unnecessary accusations.
A relationship in which we try to monitor our partner’s every move is not a healthy relationship. Conflicts in the relationship, outbursts of anger, difficulties with anger, intrusive questions, taking of freedom and constant display of mistrust tire both parties. Morbid jealousy affects almost every situation. At some point, it may become too much. Jealousy leads to the breakdown of a relationship.
How to deal with jealousy?
Morbid jealousy in a relationship is troublesome. The partner has to endure surveillance and suspicions of alleged infidelity. He lacks freedom because we strenuously try to have him in our sights and check on him at every turn. In turn, we are exhausted by the successive scenarios that pop up in our heads. We live in constant tension. Obsessive thoughts don’t allow us to rest even for a moment – and thus, instead of developing the relationship, we undermine it. This can’t end well. This is why we should try to do something about it in time.
The first (and sometimes most difficult) step is to admit to ourselves that the problem exists. We need to understand that this is not simple jealousy. That it is uncontrollable outbursts of anger, toxic behavior and anxiety that cannot be silenced. And that this is the reason why our relationship is clearly deteriorating. So here comes the time to look for solutions.
Morbid jealousy – psychiatrist or psychologist?
Can we deal with morbid jealousy alone? Not likely. So it becomes crucial to find a specialist who will carry out a diagnosis and identify the sources of our excessive jealousy. In the first place, it is worth going to a psychologist and seeking his advice.
However, there are situations in which this is not enough. In such cases, we head to a psychiatrist. This is usually the case when there are other difficulties besides morbid jealousy, and it proves necessary to implement drug treatment.
Psychotherapy of jealousy
A great help in treating mor bid jealousy is psychotherapy. It is a way of discovering our emotions, searching for their sources and learning how to manage them effectively.
That’s not all, however. Indeed, psychotherapy includes interactions that:
– strengthen self-esteem,
– help build trust in relationships,
– teach how to express emotions so as not to hurt others,
– improve communication skills, a frank conversation can be the first sign of a healing relationship,
– broaden the ability to cope with stress,
– show how to use relaxation techniques effectively.
Morbid jealousy – treatment. Schema therapy
For excessive jealousy, schema therapy is often recommended. It focuses on treating cognitive schemas, especially the abandonment schema. Schema therapy for treating jealousy can be a lengthy process, but can produce lasting results.
During schema therapy, the therapist will help the person suffering with jealousy understand what the main schemas and beliefs associated with jealousy are. These beliefs may include a belief in one’s own low self-worth, a belief that one is in danger of losing one’s partner, or a belief that a relationship is reliable. The therapist will support the person in identifying these beliefs and understanding how they affect his or her thoughts, emotions and behavior.
The therapist will then help create alternative beliefs and patterns that are more realistic and healthy. The person will learn to recognize and replace negative thoughts related to jealousy with more constructive thoughts. The therapist can also help build greater self-esteem and confidence, which can help reduce jealousy.
In addition, schema therapy may include working on the emotions associated with jealousy. A person will learn to recognize and regulate his or her emotions to avoid destructive reactions to jealousy. The therapist may teach relaxation techniques and stress management skills that can be useful in jealousy-inducing situations.
It is also important for therapy to include work on the partner relationship. The therapist can help build bonding, communication and trust in the relationship, which can reduce the underlying jealousy.
An emotion that can be worked on effectively
For each person, the path necessary to take during psychotherapy is different. After all, each of us has different experiences and beliefs to work on. The bottom line, however, is that morbid jealousy can be won over. Undertaking psychotherapy, however, means making sacrifices – because the process takes time and commitment.
Schema therapy for treating jealousy can be a lengthy process, but it can produce lasting results. In one session, we won’t be able to restore self-confidence, learn to build trust in a relationship or control strong emotions. The key to success is regularity. Because while psychotherapy can bring great changes, it can’t be done at an express pace. Imagine it as a staircase: you will not be able to jump from the first step to the very top. Only by taking more steps and climbing one step at a time will we get closer to our goal.
Remember that it is always worth taking action! You have a chance to help yourself and your loved ones.
Don’t let jealousy dominate your life anymore! Set its boundaries and free yourself from its toxic influence. We know it is possible!
Bibliography
Banaszkiewicz, P. (2018). Gender differences in jealousy – the perspective of personality psychology versus the perspective of evolutionary psychology, Annales Universitatis Mariae Curie-Skłodowska, 31 (4), pp. 121-137.