When at the end of “Gone with the Wind” Rhet Butler finally abandons Scarlett O’Hara, Rose in “Titanic” says goodbye to Jack while drifting on a door in the middle of the Atlantic, and during “Love Without Memory” Joel tries to erase Clementine from his memories, we cry and relive these consequences of a breakup together with the characters on screen. The end of a relationship evokes a very strong emotional response, even if it involves fictional characters we never meet. So it’s not surprising that when a breakup happens to us in real life, we experience the loss, going through a stream of painful emotions that enter our daily lives, changing everything and making sure that nothing will ever be the same again.
It would seem that we should be at least somewhat prepared for what a breakup brings. This is a topic that everyone has encountered in their lives, if only purely theoretically. But are we able to prepare for what really happens during a breakup?
Effects of a breakup – why is a breakup painful?
One of the first questions that come to mind for people fresh out of a relationship breakup, even one in which they did not feel happy, is – why does a breakup hurt? Before we try to explain it, let’s remind ourselves that divorce is considered one of the most stressful things that can happen to us in life. Breaking up with a partner is a state that is really mourning the loss of a loved one, and it doesn’t matter whether the relationship was a happy one or a toxic one. The difficult emotions we experience are sometimes so strong that they take a toll not only on our mental health, but also on our physical health; we often lose energy at that time, our appearance changes, and we even complain of all sorts of painful ailments, such as headaches. A broken heart can also affect our immunity! There is even talk of broken heart syndrome – a disease that is associated with severe stress.
Falling in love and love trigger strong emotions and chemical reactions in us, causing the release of hormones. The state of falling in love is a bit like an addiction – being with a partner makes us feel better. The relationship is like a stimulant.
In the case of relationships that last many years, sometimes even a lifetime, the end of the relationship also means the disappearance of often the whole world we surround ourselves with. We lose not only our partner, but also many other things – sometimes a house, a circle of common friends, the other half’s family, a dog or cat. Often our entire surroundings change, resulting in a sense of being uprooted from our previous lives and loneliness. In such a situation, longing for a relationship, for what we have lost, can be really painful. Not surprisingly, all of this causes really extremely overwhelming emotions and is capable of changing a person’s behavior and mood for a long time.
The experience of loss is so difficult because it often touches our innermost fears. A number of deep beliefs are activated in people coping with loss, such as the abandonment schema and the emotional deprivation schema. These two schemas are very strongly related to the relational aspect. People in whom these schemas are activated often believe that they will always remain lonely, that they don’t deserve true love, and that people will always eventually leave without ever really understanding us. Such belief in beliefs can compound problems and lead to additional psychological problems. Now that we know why a relationship breakup hurts, let’s take a look at the reasons why a breakup with a partner occurs and how to deal with it?
When things go wrong in a relationship
One of the most common reasons for ending a relationship is that things go wrong between partners and the relationship just doesn’t work. There may also be a lot of misunderstandings, or a lot of difficult situations have happened that make it difficult for the relationship to last, such as financial problems, family resentment of the relationship, illness. Sometimes a relationship ends because, unfortunately, it turns out that one of the people manifests toxic personality traits and harms the partner by staying in the relationship. This happens, for example, when the partner – a choleric person – takes out his emotions on the other person, making him constantly exposed to his partner’s anger and aggression.
Full financial control and the use of financial violence by one partner over the other is also one of the characteristics with which a toxic relationship manifests itself. In such a relationship there can be no partnership. We can say the same about the situation in which someone controls the other person’s spending, his work and even contacts with friends. We are then talking about psychological violence and a toxic relationship that has a destructive effect on the person in such a relationship. Such a picture of a relationship is traumatic. The mental state of the victim is bad, often the person in the relationship may struggle with depression and low self-esteem.
An example of a toxic relationship we can encounter in popular culture is the relationship between April and Frank from the movie “Road to Happiness” – he cheats on her with much younger women, she blames him for her lost opportunities and dreams. Instead of supporting each other’s plans and ambitions and creating a safe space for themselves and their children together, April and Frank fight with each other and shift responsibility for the breakup of the relationship. To top it all off, she is not active professionally – she is busy raising children, so she is financially dependent on her husband. So if you are in a similar situation to the characters in this video, the only thing left is practically a toxic breakup or marriage therapy, if you feel that the relationship can still be saved or believe that your loved one deserves another chance. Problem solving is important, but remember – psychological violence in a relationship is a serious problem that is often solved by breaking up. A person sometimes has a moment when he or she wants to dump a partner, but quickly gives up. A love addiction can make it difficult to end a relationship and see the wrong traits and behaviors of a partner. An abusive relationship is also characterized by the fact that it is more difficult to get out of it, because of the ways in which we become accustomed to mistreatment.
Another of the main causes of separation is an affair, infidelity, usually physical. This means transgressing the boundaries of physicality and carnality established in the relationship by the partners and performing activities intended for the other half with another person. It could be sex, it could be kissing or hugging – it all depends on what the people in the relationship consider to be reserved only for themselves. Physical infidelity is extremely painful, undermines our trust in our partner and often makes it no longer possible to continue the relationship.
In addition to the well-known physical betrayal, we can also experience a phenomenon known as emotional betrayal. It occurs when confidentiality and trust are breached in a relationship, when a partner becomes disloyal to his or her partner. It also means stepping outside the pre-established framework of the relationship. Emotional infidelity can also mean caring about another person and showing interest in him or her in the way you normally do with your partner. As you can see, the problem of infidelity is not just physical and can take many forms.
Separation despite love
There are also breakups that occur despite the fact that the partners love each other, are not toxic to each other, continue to have warm feelings for each other in the relationship, but part for completely different reasons. Sometimes it is also the case that while one partner still loves the other person and wants to continue the relationship, his other half no longer wants to continue in the relationship. Often two people do not communicate on the level of views, future plans in terms of faith or having children. We are then faced with a situation where there is a separation despite the love.
Often the reason for separation can also be a mismatch related to the sexual temperament of the partners. This problem can arise, for example, in the case of couples who do not cohabitate before marriage, and later irreconcilable differences come out between them, such as in the level of libido or tastes. Extreme cases are situations in which it turns out that one of the partners, has high needs, and the other person, has low, and may even manifest asexuality. It should be remembered that asexuality does not mean aversion to relationships, and such people as much as possible may want to enter into romantic relationships. A partner ‘s pansexuality can also affect the proper dynamics of a monogamous relationship. Pansexual people show attraction to people of the opposite or same sex, entering into various romantic, emotional or sexual relationships. It’s worth talking about different preferences more in the early stages of a relationship than when you’re already planning a future together. Honesty and openness is always a very good thing, especially if you think seriously about each other and want to build mutual trust. Honesty is one of the foundations that build a successful relationship, then we have a better chance of avoiding unpleasant surprises, and thus we are less likely to suffer heartbreak.
There are also very difficult events, such as illness, loss of a child. Such extreme events affect us so strongly that we are unable to continue in such a relationship, despite the feeling. Despite the fact that the ex-partner did not fault us with anything specific, the experience lived together with him is so painful that we are unable to continue such a relationship. The traumatized partner or partner can’t cope with working through the problem, after which he or she decides to end the relationship in an attempt to put his or her life back together. Such a breakup of a relationship becomes a very difficult experience for both parties.
The above situations show us that love is – unfortunately – not everything. In a relationship it is also important to have a match, a common language, beliefs and a general “getting along”. If this is lacking, the relationship may not survive and end in a painful breakup.
Stages of a breakup – how to deal with a breakup?
But if, despite attempts, the relationship ends, the breakup is over – what to do next? How to survive a breakup? First of all, remember that everyone reacts differently to a breakup, and everyone will be helped by a different way of dealing with the end of a relationship. It’s like bereavement – you have to experience it in your own way. However, it is worth knowing some tips on how to find yourself in a new situation and advice that will ease the pain of losing a loved one.
How to practically cope with the separation? In the book “Conversations on Death and Dying”, author Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discusses five stages of experiencing mourning: shock and denial, anger, depression and acceptance. One can go through mourning the loss of a loved one in a similar way. The stages of separation are very different, depending on the person experiencing the situation. At first we repress the information (especially when it is a transitional period, the first week): it is just a threat, it will probably end as usual, there have already been worse arguments. Then we feel anger: how could he do this to me, I hate her. Then there may be attempts to win back the former partner, to propitiate him not to leave us, and thus regain control of the situation. The most common feeling during a crisis is helplessness. An emotional crisis is experienced differently by everyone, and we can go through it in countless ways. Depression will be handled differently by everyone – an introvert may spend this time alone at home, an extrovert may try to console himself by seeking the company of others on social media, for example. Then comes the moment of acceptance. We can help at any stage of grief experience. Let’s remember not to suppress emotions and to experience them if possible, instead of avoiding them. Separation and accompanying circumstances are often unpleasant enough that we have the right to express negative emotions and bad feelings. Let’s be good to each other during this period! It is worth analyzing what we want, what we need. During this difficult time, let’s take a few moments to do something we like, take care of ourselves, eat our favorite food, treat ourselves to something we have long dreamed of, but always put off. It won’t give us back what we had, but it may make it a little easier to get through the mourning of the breakup. We should also remember to give ourselves time. Grief after a breakup will not disappear overnight. Instead of getting upset and wondering how long it will last, let’s give ourselves as much time as we need to mourn the relationship, look for new opportunities and move on with our lives. Please allow yourself to experience emotions, it is normal to experience great sadness. Separation does not at all have to mean the end of everything, gradually there will be positive effects of such a decision.
In the period just after the breakup, it is also good to focus on yourself, not on your former partner. Maybe it’s a good time to develop your hobby or find a new one? Maybe you want to get back to learning a language or enroll in a dance course? Maybe renewing old friendships that you have neglected due to lack of time will help? Try calling loved ones or arranging coffee dates. Please remember that reaching out for support is much needed. Let’s ask for help when we need it – friends or family are sure to be willing to help deal with negative emotions and other problems that a breakup raises, such as finding a new place to live. Let’s not be afraid to talk to them about it!
Over the course of our lives, we are likely to face many breakups, including those during which we lose a loved one for various reasons. The natural reaction may be to decide not to enter into a relationship for some time. Such a need should be accepted, perhaps you need time to better understand yourself and what kind of relationship you want. Sometimes loneliness is a chance to build something new, perhaps a moment of respite, to look at yourself and your needs. It’s worth it to face temporary loneliness, to be with yourself, than to run away into random, subsequent relationships. Sometimes the decision to end a relationship will mean getting out of a toxic relationship. Walking away from the wrong person can increase self-respect, and can be a time to discover one’s freedom and autonomy. It is important to remember that even the pain of the worst breakup eventually passes, and that there will always be a way to cope. We can try to find a bit of oblivion and relief in cultural works that will resonate well with our feelings at the time. However, a movie is not life, dealing with a breakup takes time, so let’s give it to ourselves. It is worth treating this time as a transition period.
The end of a relationship is the end of a certain stage, and one can often have very ambivalent feelings about what has happened. If you are concerned about the length or intensity of the emotions you are feeling, you can always seek professional help – online psychotherapy. Some aspects of the old relationship are worth rethinking, redefine your goals, explore a new direction of aspirations and desires, find new energy for action. A psychologist will help you get back on the right track.